~Waiting For Someone to Fight for Me~

I wonder how it feels to have someone you care for fight for you...How it would feel to push someone away, as I do so often out of fear, and have just one person refuse to go.Other than being abusively held close, forced to stay, I can't tell you the last time I pushed a person away and they begged me not to go.Even when I told my own father to go so that I could stop trying to save him he went...Still, he is not who my heart mourns for today.

I walk around with such a deep sense of doubt inside of me and a low self esteem that what I believed to be true about a person in one moment can be turned in my head in the next. When a good friend of mine told me that they couldn't imagine their life without me I was thrilled. I felt elated, loved and needed. Then weeks went by with no words from them, nothing. My feeling of warmth and sureness for what we had was snatched away and replaced with doubt and the feeling that I had been lied to. Suddenly the person that I had grown to trust was a liar to me. Could they have had something come up? Maybe they had an emergency or there was a good reason of some kind. Nope...I decided, thanks to the demons inside planting seeds of doubt, that they had become bored, sick or annoyed with me. No matter how many times they would reassure me that I was not to blame I would succumb to the fear. Then I would decide that I needed to get going before they sent me on my way...

I have lost too many good friends this way. It doesn't help though when the friendship is a continent away and they don't have a voice like my own to share with me how they feel. The distance and silence played into all that is broken inside of me.

I will say here and now that it is not easy to decide that someone has let me down then pull so far away that they must feel like there own doubt is playing them. I know that I am true to my word. If I tell someone that I care about them  or that I want to spend time with them they can be sure I mean it. Still, why should you believe me if I can't simply believe and trust in you?

I wish that my friend would miss me and come on their own to find me. I am so tired of being the one to reach out. It makes me feel like I am holding that person hostage with my feelings of inadequacy. Believe me, when I say that I need them to be the one to come to me I don't mean it as a test but I do want to be sure that they want to try with me, that they aren't agreeing simply to humor me..

We all know the saying, "If you love someone set them free.If they come back to you it is meant to be" (or some variation of that). The problem with that thinking is this; what if they are waiting, too, to see if you come back to them? You both could be doing a dance and missing out on such love because of wanting to give them time or because of pride. I don't want to lose my friend to my pride. If I don't hear from them I suppose I will, as usual, have to be the one to fight for us...It will never feel right that way though...Why can't they fight for me for a change...just once?

~Stacy J Roosa

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