~ The Silencing Of An Abused Voice ~
When you go through life feeling almost everything that happens around you, it can be very difficult to separate your heart from your mind and what you feel from what you know. Most thoughts are rooted in emotions when you feel so much. Your perception of the world and how it views you is influenced by your own self-worth.
Perhaps over feeling everything has to do with being abused~ At least for me. Sexually, mentally and physically~ All forms of abuse can eat away at the core of self worth and become so overwhelming that in time it's all one can do to not pick everything apart-even compliments-for some hidden insult. It's exhausting, to say the least, and it can put a lot of distance between yourself and others. As if you aren't lonely enough in that dark and cold place, you become a victim of your own thoughts, doubts and worries. You feel shame for the abuse because in your heart, you wonder what you did to deserve it, to cause it. Your brain tells you that these thoughts are ridiculous but you've learned shame at the hands of your abuser.
On that note, I am not sure that it's the actual abuse itself that causes these feelings of inadequacy, or if it is also the secrets that follow. An abuser continues to abuse by making threats toward your family, your friends and often your very life~Whatever is important to the victim is used against him/her and it's all fair game to an abuser. Still, that is just the beginning of the war inside. If you keep the secret hidden, it eats you from the inside out. You feel a shame that can be so devastating that your future relationships are all built on sand, where your self doubt is the ebbing tides that pull the earth out from beneath your feet. No one else can "fix" you or hold together a relationship with you if you are not fighting against the power of the tides.
If you feel safe enough and compelled to let someone, anyone, in on your secret as I did many years later, the reactions of those around you can further hurt you and rot away your strength. I told my Mother, who with all good intentions, warned me to keep it a secret because she worried that my father might find out and take things into his own hands and hurt or kill my abuser.
Imagine, you've been feeling the weight and deep pain of this secret for so many years alone but when you finally allow this very scary secret to be voiced, you are silenced all over again. You hoped to finally feel some relief from the strangle hold its had on your body and heart but instead you are told to push it down deeper.
In my Mother's defense, she did not ask me to stay silent with any bad intent. She truly wanted to protect me....She felt great pain for what I had endured. Still, she also wanted to shield her husband from reacting in his own way which, she reasoned, might have caused him to do something bad to my abuser. A year or so before my Mom died she begged me for my forgiveness, because in the aftermath she realized that helping keep the dirty secret was worse for me.
I didn't know in any one moment back then that Mom's reaction would further stunt my own healing process. I only realized it later when the secret was bigger than the abuse in many ways..
All that abuse, the silence and suffering that followed caused the demise of my self esteem. I don't know how to take a compliment, or worse, criticism. Ironically, I often take things very personally that, in fact, have nothing at all to do with me. How can I both think that I deserve nothing from this world but also believe that if someone is upset that it has to do with me? I don't think that the world~or anyone in it~awaits my opinion or hopes to impress me and yet somehow I often worry that something I've done has great influence on someone elses day. I suppose that is because for me, other people and their opinion and reactions, truly do have power over my happiness and self esteem. I look for validation often~In my writing, on my personal appearance and even in my thoughts and words. My brain tells me to stop looking outside for others to give me a pat on the back but I still continue to do it... I don't know how not to.
I have to admit though, thankfully, that I do not feel all things as I used to. Somewhere back in my teen years, perhaps when I was cutting my skin daily and contemplating taking my own life, I somehow turned down the volume of all that painful chatter just enough to stay sane. If I had continued to feel the pangs of everything from our family pets to the world around me, I doubt I would be here writing this today. Imagine feeling pity and aching for almost everyone around you, even people you don't "like" very much. Imagine having a voice in your head that is like the conscience of every living being around you. It makes it difficult to be around others because you don't want to feel all that suffering all the time.
Whenever it was that the grip was loosened from my heart, I was still dealing with being overwrought with guilt, pain and shame. I cannot tell how others feel inside and whether their emotions are as quick to become derailed by what another person says or thinks, but I can only gather by the reactions of others to being treated similarly that I must take things harder...Or else I don't hide it as well, In my life I have come across people who are like me. Usually, they too have suffered abuse of one kind or another. I am immediately drawn to and put off by them at the same time. I want to be around people who know what it's like to be this way yet when I recognize my own characteristics in others I sometimes become overwhelmed and want to hide from the reminder of who I am.. I know how scary it can be in a tough world to be soft. I know the longing to be around other people with understanding hearts and I'm often saddened at finding people who have a hardened shell. People who don't suffer such painful pasts and who don't know the internal fight of self doubt will often tell you to "get over it", "move on" or any number of other well meaning things. Yet telling a survivor of abuse to forget the past is like asking us not to remember our name. The abuse has both weakened and strengthened us. It has the ability to make us fight harder and live deeper.
I both pity and admire tough skinned people. There I go again being a contradiction...I can't even figure out which direction my heart goes on the subject of people different than me. Yet, I understand that it is part of me...I will always be one to see both sides...To admire and dislike how it must feel to be free of caring what other people think, yet feeling a bit brave to have this hope and trust in a world where I have known great ugliness.
If you meet someone like me and wonder how such a "train wreck" exists, don't be too judgmental. We all have pasts. Some of you can take all that pain and internalize it while others like me will put it out into the world as poetry, music or teaching others.. I am grateful for my voice when for so long I had none.
Perhaps over feeling everything has to do with being abused~ At least for me. Sexually, mentally and physically~ All forms of abuse can eat away at the core of self worth and become so overwhelming that in time it's all one can do to not pick everything apart-even compliments-for some hidden insult. It's exhausting, to say the least, and it can put a lot of distance between yourself and others. As if you aren't lonely enough in that dark and cold place, you become a victim of your own thoughts, doubts and worries. You feel shame for the abuse because in your heart, you wonder what you did to deserve it, to cause it. Your brain tells you that these thoughts are ridiculous but you've learned shame at the hands of your abuser.
On that note, I am not sure that it's the actual abuse itself that causes these feelings of inadequacy, or if it is also the secrets that follow. An abuser continues to abuse by making threats toward your family, your friends and often your very life~Whatever is important to the victim is used against him/her and it's all fair game to an abuser. Still, that is just the beginning of the war inside. If you keep the secret hidden, it eats you from the inside out. You feel a shame that can be so devastating that your future relationships are all built on sand, where your self doubt is the ebbing tides that pull the earth out from beneath your feet. No one else can "fix" you or hold together a relationship with you if you are not fighting against the power of the tides.
If you feel safe enough and compelled to let someone, anyone, in on your secret as I did many years later, the reactions of those around you can further hurt you and rot away your strength. I told my Mother, who with all good intentions, warned me to keep it a secret because she worried that my father might find out and take things into his own hands and hurt or kill my abuser.
Imagine, you've been feeling the weight and deep pain of this secret for so many years alone but when you finally allow this very scary secret to be voiced, you are silenced all over again. You hoped to finally feel some relief from the strangle hold its had on your body and heart but instead you are told to push it down deeper.
In my Mother's defense, she did not ask me to stay silent with any bad intent. She truly wanted to protect me....She felt great pain for what I had endured. Still, she also wanted to shield her husband from reacting in his own way which, she reasoned, might have caused him to do something bad to my abuser. A year or so before my Mom died she begged me for my forgiveness, because in the aftermath she realized that helping keep the dirty secret was worse for me.
I didn't know in any one moment back then that Mom's reaction would further stunt my own healing process. I only realized it later when the secret was bigger than the abuse in many ways..
All that abuse, the silence and suffering that followed caused the demise of my self esteem. I don't know how to take a compliment, or worse, criticism. Ironically, I often take things very personally that, in fact, have nothing at all to do with me. How can I both think that I deserve nothing from this world but also believe that if someone is upset that it has to do with me? I don't think that the world~or anyone in it~awaits my opinion or hopes to impress me and yet somehow I often worry that something I've done has great influence on someone elses day. I suppose that is because for me, other people and their opinion and reactions, truly do have power over my happiness and self esteem. I look for validation often~In my writing, on my personal appearance and even in my thoughts and words. My brain tells me to stop looking outside for others to give me a pat on the back but I still continue to do it... I don't know how not to.
I have to admit though, thankfully, that I do not feel all things as I used to. Somewhere back in my teen years, perhaps when I was cutting my skin daily and contemplating taking my own life, I somehow turned down the volume of all that painful chatter just enough to stay sane. If I had continued to feel the pangs of everything from our family pets to the world around me, I doubt I would be here writing this today. Imagine feeling pity and aching for almost everyone around you, even people you don't "like" very much. Imagine having a voice in your head that is like the conscience of every living being around you. It makes it difficult to be around others because you don't want to feel all that suffering all the time.
Whenever it was that the grip was loosened from my heart, I was still dealing with being overwrought with guilt, pain and shame. I cannot tell how others feel inside and whether their emotions are as quick to become derailed by what another person says or thinks, but I can only gather by the reactions of others to being treated similarly that I must take things harder...Or else I don't hide it as well, In my life I have come across people who are like me. Usually, they too have suffered abuse of one kind or another. I am immediately drawn to and put off by them at the same time. I want to be around people who know what it's like to be this way yet when I recognize my own characteristics in others I sometimes become overwhelmed and want to hide from the reminder of who I am.. I know how scary it can be in a tough world to be soft. I know the longing to be around other people with understanding hearts and I'm often saddened at finding people who have a hardened shell. People who don't suffer such painful pasts and who don't know the internal fight of self doubt will often tell you to "get over it", "move on" or any number of other well meaning things. Yet telling a survivor of abuse to forget the past is like asking us not to remember our name. The abuse has both weakened and strengthened us. It has the ability to make us fight harder and live deeper.
I both pity and admire tough skinned people. There I go again being a contradiction...I can't even figure out which direction my heart goes on the subject of people different than me. Yet, I understand that it is part of me...I will always be one to see both sides...To admire and dislike how it must feel to be free of caring what other people think, yet feeling a bit brave to have this hope and trust in a world where I have known great ugliness.
If you meet someone like me and wonder how such a "train wreck" exists, don't be too judgmental. We all have pasts. Some of you can take all that pain and internalize it while others like me will put it out into the world as poetry, music or teaching others.. I am grateful for my voice when for so long I had none.
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