Its Not You Its Me....(and a bit of you too)

I was all ready to blog about relationships and how so many people have let me down when a thought occurred to me. I had written a good 1,000 words when I got up to tend to the kids and there it was...The realization that I have played a big part in the ending of many of them...

While many of my relationships did end because of me feeling that the other person let me down the truth it that, (and this is truly a big revelation for me so read carefully), many of the relationships never stood a chance because of the high expectations that I put on them.

Wow, that being said I feel a mixture of both relief and embarrassment.

I don't consciously put goals on people. Let's face it, unless you live under a rock, its common knowledge that most of things we do as humans, and the reasons behind them, are more a surprise to ourselves but are done out of fear. I consider myself to be pretty in touch with my own emotions. Still, I used to be better at it but with time, loss and feeling like this is the best I am gonna get, I have learned to ignore the details of my feelings. ...Sorta like throwing the clutter that is my emotional baggage into a closet and locking it away. It doesn't fix it but its not in my face to deal with.

I am seeing now as I really dig into my head that I scare people off. Why? Simple. If I set the bar so high that NO ONE can reach and expect things of people that they cannot deliver, then I will be the one who is chasing them away before they can decide they don't like me and leave on my own. I guess I have learned this strategy well because looking back into my childhood I can count on both hands the amount of times I messed up a friendship simply because I was afraid that I wouldn't live up to the person's needs or be liked by a group of people. I remember one time in particular. I was in high school. A friend that I had known for a few years introduced me to her group of friends who happened to be cheerleaders-They were fun, pretty and popular. I was invited over one of the girl's houses but before I could get to know them and let them decide if they liked me I made myself tough to like. I was quiet, wouldn't do anything they were doing and finally I disappeared. I walked the 5 miles home before I realized that I never gave them a chance to dislike or like me. Looking back I see that I did this several times. I lost a lot of friendships this way. Sad. 

In school I prided myself on being friends with everyone but not belonging to any one group. I was that girl we all know, who would go up to the new girl in school and introduce myself, show them around and make them feel at home. Still, the minute that they found a clique and tried to include me I felt abandoned. How dare they need any other friend other than me? Of the 4 or 5 people that I became a welcoming committee to I stayed friends with all of them only to lose them to the popular, drama or sports crowd. Now I realize that I should not have saw it that way.I should have simply been myself and stayed my course and when someone didn't like me then let it be. I was afraid to be disliked but I was more afraid to be liked. Being liked meant having to stay liked...Too much stress in that.

Then there was men. I don't know how I had any relationships...I always had a boyfriend growing up and everything went fine with them except when I started to meet and date men (boys) that I truly liked. The second I would start to have real feelings for them I would begin my descent into the depths of "how fast can I ruin this one?" It was things like jealousy (yes, sadly I am a jealous person), misunderstandings and always wanting more than someone could give. If I didn't know better I would think that I had a plan laid out. From beginning to end, no person was safe where my heart was concerned.

I remember while growing up  that I could never be friends with the opposite sex. It was like my mind reasoned that if the guy didn't like me enough to want to date me then I wasn't good enough or that he didn't like me enough. This was all before sex played a part in my relationships with men. Once it did I learned very fast that there was a humongous difference between men I wanted to be friends with and men I wanted "more" with. Still, It took me until the past few years to believe something that I had always known...Friendship is NOT something of less value than love. If I am friends with one person but in love with another the one that I am in love with is not automatically more important to my happiness. For instance, I am married to my husband and love him very much. I have a best friend who I love very much. I don't think that my friend is any less important to me just because we aren't in love and married...We all need love of all kinds in our lives for real happiness.

I had a  friend that I lost thanks to my warped sense of reasoning. He lived many miles away so we only got to talk on the phone and internet. I was in the middle of a very difficult time in my life, lost and looking for someone to help me feel like I belonged somewhere. I wanted to feel like I was loved and was special to someone and, for once, didn't come second in a man's world. I went into our friendship with all the messed up thinking running around in my head intensified by my feelings of self-doubt and the feeling of being abandoned by my parents. I made it known to him quickly that I had feelings for him to spite him telling me that he had his own heartbroken feelings over a loss and wanted only friendship. There is something about someone telling another person that they are not ready to fall in love that makes a person want to break down that wall...It called to me, it beckoned me on to prove to myself that I was lovable, that I could chip away at the very essence of what I, myself, was protecting my world with. It was like when he said he wasn't ready to fall in love a mission was set for me.Of course it helped that he was funny, sweet, trustworthy and wise.We spent many many hours talking about life and love and everything that came up. Because we were so many miles away with no hope of seeing one another in the near future, everything we were about had to do with trust. For all he knew I was a 60 year old woman with a younger voice telling lie after lie to him or he was a teenage boy....To this day I believe that he was who he said and I don't think he ever doubted me. Other than not being able to look into each other's eyes to see if the truth was there when we spoke, distance is also hard because we couldn't move along at a pace most people do. For instance, I am someone who knows immediately, thanks to being molested, whether I am comfortable around someone. Its not a judgment on how they look but a feeling that I get. There have been times when I have been wrong by my first impression and in that case it took weeks or months for me to become comfortable. Still, my first instincts are usually correct.

Yet our distance was keeping both of us from finding out if there was indeed the chemistry that we both felt we had. Also, with distance, a person cannot truly make contact with another. If we were sitting close to one another I could put my hand on his, smile when he joked or make a grimace when it was a bad joke. We could smell each other in the room, see what little quirks each other has. Like, did he ever know that when I am shy I twirl my hair? Talking on line can make someone seem more outspoken and even mean because you only have so much time to convey a feeling or sentiment that, if you don't type it right the first time, may always be misunderstood. I know for sure that if he and I had met in person alot of the doubt that I felt would have been lessened...Then again, we are talking about me...

So back to that...After many months of waiting for this man to fall for me and he, unmoved, continued to push for friendship, I said what he wanted to hear. I said that I, too, agreed that we should be friends. I was being honest, that was what I really wanted to spite how I really felt for him...So, why did I ruin the relationship that I speak of?  Over time I found that he had a few other women that he spoke to the way he and I did. To spite the fact that he said he only wanted a friendship with me he would always follow it up with a "but maybe someday..." Was he saying that to them too? For so long I thought foolishly that I was the only one he sat talking to for hours, that he told all the "right" things to... I had felt special and also safe with him. Suddenly I was feeling all the doubt that usually takes me over bearing down on me. Was I as pretty as the other women, was I as witty? I was suddenly sure that they never get jealous or said stupid things like me. He assured me that I was as special as they were and reiterated that he was not looking for a relationship other than friendship. I know from experience though that its when we are not looking that some great person comes along and makes our doubt and pain  a thing of history. I felt the doubt devouring all the time and all the words of encouragement he had with me and leave me feeling less than and lost again. I suddenly had to run as fast as I could away from this man.Why? Because every time I saw him come online but not come talk to me, every time he went weeks without saying a word to me I could see inevitably a heartbreak in my future. I was sure that I could not handle that...This man was the one who said I deserved better than I had, told me that my poetry was great and that I deserved love and happiness. He was also talking to other women...My doubt  made my jealousy take over. What was he saying to them? What did he Really think of me? Why was he telling me he couldn't bear not to have me as a friend then going off with no word to me for weeks???

I did all that I knew how to do...I picked up my breaking heart and ran as fast as I could to the darkest. furthest place away from him. I took him off my friends lists, ignored him when he came onto chat and told myself it was all for the best.Now it has been all this time and I will probably never know what he thought or what  my pushing him away did. I might have had a real friend in him but I ruined it because I didn't want to ever find out that he couldn't, wouldn't love me...I realize now how sad that it is, that I could throw away an entire relationship because of self-doubt and not wanting to be hurt. Let's face it, I am hurt anyway, I will never know if he was playing me, if I was special or if he is happy someday. Its the price that I pay for having such a small self-esteem and my body full of doubt. Maybe I got out just in time; Maybe he really was playing me and the other women, and the only thing I missed was more pain. 

Writing this now, married for over 12 years I realize that the only reason that my marriage has worked so far is because of my husband. When we argue I am the first to try to end the marriage, the first to pack a bag and the last to put myself out there for him to hurt. When I used to do all these things he would be the one to hold us together. When i became jealous or full of self doubt he always kept me grounded. The difference between my husband Kevin and this "other guy" is that my husband has never been afraid to tell me how he feels. Although Kevin is not emotional, doesn't ever cry (except one time when I did leave him :(   ), he knows that he loves and adores me. He tells me how he feels even when I am not sure what to say. His pride does not dictate his heart. I am lucky to have a man who loves me like that.Kevin has never been one to buy me flowers, to make me candlelight dinners or do anything mushy so when he does do it for me it means even more. Let's face it, men who have the romantic stuff come naturally to them do it because they don't know any other way...Guys like Kevin who flowers and musical serenades don't come easily do it because they want to. It means more coming from him because of that.  I am lucky to have my kids, my husband and my Mother looking over me.  As for the guy from my past, he will probably never make it out of his own walls to find and give the love he so easily spoke of....He will most likely never come around to talk to me or to put closure to what we had. I am grateful for the relationship because it made me realize what I really needed to be happy. I do hope someday he finds it too.

~Stacy J. Roosa

April 23, 2010