~Your loss, My Gain~

Okay, so its over. I wrote you an e-mail along with the blog, asked you to consider working through our problems to get back to our friendship but you have gone unseen and unheard. I should not be surprised. In fact, I should be relieved as I feel that I am the one who fought for us while you just rode the waves.

I am a woman, lost at times, full of self-doubt and feelings of abandonment. Sadly, having issues like these can make maintaining a long-distance friendship hard. Even more difficult is when the other person goes along fine,it seems, but is never honest about their feelings like I believe you weren't. It's very possible that all that we went through was my fault and that I made it a mess from day one but you won't voice your emotions so how can I see anything but my side? I really wanted to see yours but I couldn't, you wouldn't let me.

My last e-mail I asked you to come chat, to talk about what happened, or didn't happen, to cause me to think that you had walked away. I explained to you that for me to go 3 weeks with no word from you after almost 6 months or so of talking everyday sends up alarm bells. I promised to try to let you know when I was feeling doubtful, you promised to let me know if you had any doubt...Maybe something came up for you, good or, God forbid, bad, but once again, I just don't know because you won't tell me...Yet, you are around still...I see you around leaving messages for others and things like that. It's your business who you talk to, I really don't care, but when you can chat with other people but not me...

So. in my loss and the sadness that I feel I thought about one thing. I asked you if you would come chat with me, at your convenience and if you didn't have time or didn't want to, I asked that you would e-mail me a simple, "no, I don't want to continue our friendship..." I told  you I would wait about a week in my chat world. Still, thinking about the 4 days that I signed on and waited, how could I desire for a friendship from someone who could go on silently, knowing that I was waiting, and that I am hurting and not come as soon as possible to relief me of that agony?....Its almost mean to know that you could have kept me from waiting for the bad news day after day with a simple word but that you would rather let me go on like I was. Honestly, I would have waited a very long time for you but not if the waiting was ever part of a game or a trick to make you feel better and me feel, well....hated.

Maybe you would have told me that you were planning on coming to chat the next day until you read this...It doesn't change the fact, even if that is true, that you had made me wait 4-5 days after months of no word from you. No, its time to reclaim my own emotions, feelings, love, anger, dislike, everything...I am NOT playing a fool to you or anyone anymore...

Is it your fault that you promised me things that you never planned to follow through with? Yes.
Is it your fault that you, someone who usually chooses each word carefully, said things to make me think that you felt one way when  you really meant another? Yes. I believed you sensed my self-doubt and played into it. Is it your fault that I am hurt and confused? No, not anymore. I am taking back every emotion, every thought and feeling and reclaiming my heart and myself.

I told you in the e-mail that if you were to not reply at all or your reply was to tell me that you aren't interested in furthering our friendship that I would not e-mail or contact you in anyway ever again. I will keep my promise from now until eternity.  If I bumped into you somewhere or on line I would say hi to you as I would anyone but nothing else...It's over just as you want it. I am gone. Goodbye.

~Stacy J. Roosa