~On My Way Back~

~Working on myself lately and delving into the deep part of my sub-conscious and the many layers that are me, I have started to learn what a fool I have been. Blind for so long as to how much life I have been missing out on including my husband, children, friends and the world moving around me. Instead I have surrounded myself with beliefs that were grounded in fear and more lately, the mindless world of electronics and cyberspace. I have missed out on the gifts of real human contact simply because I was afraid to be hurt but found more hurt than ever.

~In one way I was reaching out for human interaction more than ever by blogging. No one that I know can truly empty out onto a screen every intimate detail of their lives including my history with abuse without it coming from a real place and creating honest emotions. Still, I was missing out on sharing my pain face to face with a person who could look into my eyes, offer a shoulder to literally cry on, or give me a hug. There is no substitute for human touch.
 
~At the same time if blogging continues to be my way of reaching out to people miles away that I would never before have had the chance to, I was missing something that I took for granted. Before I mastered the art of turning on a computer, downloading images and finding my own website to publish my thoughts, it was just me, a pen and a notebook. I could fill page after page with poetry, short stories and doodling.It was such a wonderful feeling to find a comfortable piece of ground under a tree listening to the sounds of the birds and the wind playing in the trees while I put my pen to work. Like an artist with a paint brush, paint and a blank canvas, I was putting to ink anything and everything that would pop into my mind. I cannot tell you how many abandoned thoughts on paper I have found later and breathed back life into when the muse touched me. On a laptop in cyberspace where everything must be in neat rows, made up of only completed thoughts and edited, spell checked and options galore for what size, color and kind of font I want, its all too permanent and feels almost too professional. As a writer I want to record everything, even half-thoughts in case later I find the missing words later. Once I start typing until my very last period I feel almost pressured to dazzle...Since not all writing is for others to read and much of what I write is in preparation of what is the final thought, I feel like computers are the final step in the process. For too long though I was foregoing the instruments of my art, like a painters brushes and canvas and going straight for the "art gallery". No wonder I was constantly feeling let down by the finished piece...It was only meant to be the beginning. From now on I am going back to the basics, paper and pen. That is where I am most connected to my heart and mind. There is just something about seeing your own hand moving across the blank paper, the ink curving your thoughts and the paper getting fuller and fuller, that makes me feel connected to my muse.

~The second mistake I have been making in my life has to do with all people. New in my life or old, close or far, friend or acquaintance I found myself putting people in boxes and labeling them depending on their feelings for me. If a person didn't like me than it crushed me and would make me feel like I was or did something wrong. Yet if someone liked me at all it had to be all the way or I was wrong or was doingI thought they should have said or in a way I thought that they should have responded instead of allowing myself to accept the person's reaction for what it was~What they could give. I am NOT in control of any other person's actions and I have to learn that when I put a thought out into the world for people to hear it is for them to decide how they feel about it, not for me to judge. It all comes down to letting go of my own expectations about people while learning to take another opinion about me in without letting it change my own opinion of myself. It will be hard but I must work on it.

~Still, I did. Maybe though I haven't given him all of me. When I remember how I was with my first love I blush. I was like  a silly little girl all over him, constantly touching him, sending love notes, wanting to always be near and giving and trusting with all of me...

~By the time I had fallen for Kevin I had felt the sting of being lied to, cheated on...I now knew what if felt like to give all of myself only to get maybe 10% of the other person and finally walk away broken and hurting.Did that pain and my own fear of losing myself to another man keep me from giving all of myself? I remember for years believing that Kevin would cheat on me...I thought that he would meet another woman, like the other did, and leave me for her. I used to stress myself out to the point where I would go on and on to him about it and stress him out. He promised me that he would never cheat...(so did the other)....He said that there was no other woman in the world more beautiful and sexy as me (so did the other), he would say that he didn't have time even if he wanted to which he didn't (same with the other....) It wasn't the words that made me finally trust him but the years of Kevin proving my fears wrong. We have been married for almost 13 years now and although I know anyone can cheat at anytime, he isn't a cheater. It would take something like him falling out of love with me and in love with another for him to do that I believe. If I am wrong then I really had myself fooled. I don't think I am.

~The point is that while I think that I am giving all of myself, I haven't really given all of myself in a very long time. I need to do that now with my husband. He deserves to have his wife love him as deeply and fully with all the trust that I can find inside. I need to give all of myself and damn it, if I get hurt then I get hurt. Why would he let down his own walls if I don't. Let's face it, he has stuck around and supported me through thick and thin. What other man was there to support me and hold me up when my Mother died? Who was there to work double shifts so that I could get through all of this crap and through my own agoraphobia? Who else would, for me, give up a beautiful home to move in with my parents so that they didn't lose their home as so we could help Mom to deal with life at a time when her body was failing. I am lucky to have him. As God is my witness I am going to let these walls come crashing down and give Kevin everything inside of me, letting go of even my resentment when he leaves the dinner table to go out on a ems or fire call. If he and I are meant to be together then he will always come home to me, always be honest, never cheat and grow old with me. And now that I am letting the walls fall I will be able to do all of the same without always looking over my shoulder for someone who can love me better... The truth is that no man in this entire world loves me like Kevin loves me.

~In all of this I have not forgotten the promise I made a long time ago to myself~To not let family and friends take advantage of my good will and heart. For so long I took care of Dad just to have him forget, resent and dismiss what I did for him. My sister is getting healthy but I need to keep the lines clear for what I can give her and what I can't so I don't find myself trapped in a situation where I am inevitably letting her down. It's for the best that I structure my relationships with my 3 family members to work where we can still visit each other but I don't try to save everyone. Even my sister said a few days ago to a mutual friend that I was always "the glue that kept our family together". Its time for her to find out how to be the glue for once. For me its time to work out my own problems with low-self-esteem, self doubt and my pushing people away and go back to the person I was before I let love, abuse and bad people take away the trusting, loving, giving and joyous person that was Stacy. I am on my way back to that... One step at a time...

~Stacy J. Roosa

May 1, 2010

12:30 AM