Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

A year ago today I chose to take my last prescribed pain medication and become clean.  It was a Christmas present to myself and one of the most difficult things I've ever done.  After 6 plus years of being on pain management for a bad back and taking everything from Vicodin to Percocet and finally Methadone, I was no longer getting relief from the narcotics. I found myself taking them just to feel normal....So as not to go through withdrawal.  For the many years I was on the various drugs I lied to myself. I talked myself into believing that they were helping my back and that the euphoric feeling was just a side affect that I could take or leave.  Biggest lie of my life.  It is only after a few weeks that a person who takes any of these medications can become physically addicted to them. Mentally it can happen with the first "high".  I felt like I could accomplish anything when I was in the arms of that buzz.  I was super happy, organized, social an...

When my son Bailey was 4 (he's 17 now) he loved to get into everything...And when I say everything I mean just that. I would come downstairs from getting his sister out of her crib or simply turn my back for a minute and I would find all kinds of disasters instigated by Bailey Bear. One time he decided that the fish needed to be fed so he added coffee grounds, ketchup and God only knows what else to their tank. Another time he decorated the carpet, walls and stairs with chocolate syrup... And yet another time while we were all tucked in bed asleep he hunted down the key to the deadbolt and let himself out of the house and up the street to a little girls house. (The deadbolt was put in just for this reason...and so were the motion detectors that we installed right after this incident. ) It was 2 in the morning when he went two houses up, in the dark of night, in his footie pajamas, to woo a girl 2 years his senior. Boy, those police men must have been ready to give me the mo...

I am the kind of girl who has always given 2nd and 3rd chances to people...Even after I've recognized that a person is not good for me, I let them back in when they apologize.  That goes for friends, significant others and family. I get hurt a lot. Actually, that is an understatement...I become devastated.  The feeling of renewed rejection after all the strength it took me to forgive the person takes yet another piece of me with them as they go. I expect that people will have the same heart as me and very often I learn that they don't.  I find out that they only wanted me back in their life for their own benefit and once I am no longer needed they are gone again.  The reasoning with myself that I did in order to let that person back in turns into self hatred and shame.  I swear off all people and love. I want to hide in my cocoon of safety. Sadly (usually) those very people have gone onto hurt me all over again. Their words were barely out of their mouth a...

When you go through life feeling almost everything that happens around you, it can be very difficult to separate your heart from your mind and what you feel from what you know.  Most thoughts are rooted in emotions when you feel so much.  Your perception of the world and how it views you is influenced by your own self-worth. Perhaps over feeling everything has to do with being abused~ At least for me. Sexually, mentally and physically~ All forms of abuse can eat away at the core of self worth and become so overwhelming that in time it's all one can do to not pick everything apart-even compliments-for some hidden insult. It's exhausting, to say the least, and it can put a lot of distance between yourself and others.  As if you aren't lonely enough in that dark and cold place, you become a victim of your own thoughts, doubts and worries. You feel shame for the abuse because in your heart, you wonder what you did to deserve it, to cause it. Your brain tells you that these...

My Life I wake up and my body aches my back, knee, neck and feet hurt. All the aches and pains can be difficult to bear This life I live can really suck with all the aches and pains I sometimes feel I want to be a turtle to slink into my shell and hide from the pain to let the world pass me by to not be in pain or hurt in any way I have to work even when I really don't want to so I have money to pay bills, put a roof over my head So I can feed my face to pay for things that are needed My family all live lives of there own sometimes they even remember that I exist A simple call to say hello how you doing it's such a difficult thing My life is not great and wonderful I wish it was better To not have to work or feel the pains to have all the money I need But I don't have all the money I do feel the pain, I have to work I have a screwed up family a family that isn't perfect What I do have is a woman that when I wake up each day she makes my smile She puts a smile on ...

Since we moved to California about a year ago I have fallen into a deeper and darker depression than I've ever known.  It's not just the move itself, as it has its positive points too starting over but it is the sum of losing so many important things. I lost my Mom 5 years ago and not being able to visit her grave site or, more importantly, places we visited together in our hometown is very difficult. Also, my 15 and 17 year old are no longer here with me.  As a Mom who respects her kids, I let them choose to move back East after only a short stay here because they too missed their friends and the familiarity of home.  I've been sick physically and on top of that have only recently been able to get health insurance and begin taking the medications I need for my depression and anxiety...It is all part of who I am now but it is not all that I am. Its just a stumbling block for me.  One I will overcome. It's an awful feeling to be so alone in a place where the o...

If you are a woman and on Facebook (or any social network),  you know the drama that comes along with friending some people.  If you are like me, you've friended people who you may not know outside in the "real" world but who have similar interests or play online games you do. Some strangers can be perverts for sure but sadly sometimes it's people you went to school or worked with that are now suddenly "brave" enough to hit on you because they are safe behind a computer screen. Some of the pervs come out of nowhere and even without being your fb friend send you messages. (Case in point...Just got this in my "other" file of my messages.   "  Hi, I got attracted to your profile while browsing through, I must be frank with you and say; you are looking quite cute and beautiful in your profile picture, though I’m much more humbled by the serene looks of your eyes and your smile. I am Jason, and I'd like to get to know you, and be your fri...

Since you left, I don't cry over much anymore.  I know real loss now so anything less does not cause me tears.  There are so many things I miss about you, I wouldn't even know where to begin in order to make a list...In the end though, it's a colder world without you in it. I often think about that last day. What I could have said, done, to help you stay.  I know that I may not have had much power over your last breath but I cannot help but wonder.  When the doctor said those final words, that you had left us, all I could think about, selfishly, was that there was no one left on the face of this earth that I could trust, who loved me like you did, and who could help all of us, including your Grandkids, see the world through your amazing eyes. I have many regrets about those days. I was thrown into the position of having to plan your funeral and be the strong one.  I admit I wasn't very good at it. I did have help from other family members~ Your siblings, yo...

You awaken Hope, raising it from a coma with promises of a tomorrow. Like a wounded bird it flutters but does not yet fly. It's wing is bent. You pick up Hope, bandage it there gently then all at once toss it up into the air and set it free. It stutters, it begins to fall but with some struggle, it finds it's strength and takes on the sky. Hope flies with such grace and beauty... It feels like another life came to it~ ...Like it was never broken before. Just as it begins to climb and finds itself in the breath of a gentle breeze~ Just as it lets it's wings go by it's side and allows itself to glide~ you yank Hope down like it was always  connected to a string...  ~Like it was a kite for which you played with for your own amusement. Hope nose dives to the hard earth and crashes there  where it's only another fatality to you. And it suffers there~ It's very last thought undeserved but sadly of you.   © 2014 Stacy J French (Roosa...

Your name on my tongue tastes so sweet. Sometimes I  breathe your name and hold it in just to feel its nectar in my mouth and on my tastebuds... It always makes me smile. Your voice saying my name makes me feel such warmth and excitement. It's a sound like no other. The thought of you wings gloriously in my head like a hummingbird on the branches of my mind. I have no words for what you do for my heart though. It's indescribable and as wonderful as it is painful.. And it's killing me one breath at a time.. © 2014 Stacy J French (Roosa) (All rights reserved)

30-something springs  yet she wasn't growing anymore. Too many pounding storms and too much rain had stunted her growth. ~Left her feeling ugly and alone. She reached out for any light in that deep, unrelenting darkness, just to feel some warmth... When his light shone on her one day she thought she found her Sun. She stretched into his embrace and hope grew at her seed. Just as she began to blossom in his presence, he disappeared behind the clouds. He was gone as quickly as he came... He was not real~ A sunlamp maybe, a reflection of her hope for sure. Like all others, he left her struggling in the dark and shivering to her roots. She hated her stupid heart. The darkness was easier to take now that she knew she deserved it. Yet it was in that blackest black that she found her own strength. It wasn't lent by the forces from the outside world but grew from within herself. She held herself against the showers of the rain and pushed up from the colde...

There's a sadness in him that neither his even voice  nor carefully chosen words will give away. Yet his eyes and silence betray him often. There is great melancholy in his smile~ A flatness to his lips where I wonder if true love has ever kissed him.  There's a love song beneath his rough and sharp edges. Words and music that when aroused by love will make his lips curve  all the way up to his eyes so that the glow of love may shine through. A song that will awaken and rock his heart  and bring out everything beautiful in him that has been hidden.. I am nothing to him. ...An observer really. I am but a woman who wishes to see love's smile blossom on his face and to hear his laughter come from his belly. I have no power or want to encite his love. Yet, I desire his happiness~ For him to deeply give and get love~ more than he'll ever know. © 2014 Stacy J French (Roosa) (All rights reserved)

I sit quietly watching the dark, fuzzy shadows of the tree's leaves shivering on the grass below my feet. I watch for the flickering of the sun's light to appear between their jittering bodies as I wait for the sun to finally tuck itself into the mountains so I can hide once again from its burning fingers. The wind is the only relief... It swoops in off the lake and caresses me while driving the trees mad, fluttering and bowing their branches. The smells of the warm summer day and today's catches from the lake are caught in the winds tail. Yet before I can almost smell the fragrance, it's gone again. A butterfly catches my eye as it flutters against the strong breath of air. ...It's orange and brown decorated wings bending and flittering with all its might. It's gaining on the wind and making slow progress to its destination. I think as I watch it how we all have some kind of force against us in this world as I see the beautiful yet simple...

I've always wanted the love of a man like him.  A man who, to spite seeing all the gorgeous woman who surround him, finds me more beautiful. A man who, in all the things he could be doing on his day off, simply wants to hold me and look into my eyes. I've never known what its like to be adored before him. Now that I feel it, I have to admit that it's the one thing, other than my amazing kids, that keeps me able to hold my head up. When he says "Good night beautiful" I know he's not just referring to the "beauty" he thinks I carry on the outside but also the me I show only him inside of me.  It's as if all this self doubt was measured and he was sent to me to remind me that I am more than my bad experiences and what I see in the mirror. But I am afraid I am going to lose his love.  ....That I may screw it up on some sub-conscious level because I don't believe I truly deserve it.  Only then when I am alone will I feel that I have what I dese...

Trying to explain depression to someone who doesn't have it is difficult. I am not sure if any two people suffer from it in the same way.I imagine since we each take things in differently, depression is as different as we each are from one another. I only know what I feel...Let me try to paint a picture... I started a new depression medication a few months ago. It's one I tried after the birth of my kids but it didn't work very well back 15 years ago. For some reason it seems to work okay now. Maybe because my depression this time is so deep and dark that anything is better in comparison. I will be the first to admit that I am not very good at staying on my depression medications. I start them with such hope, take them as prescribed for months but then either lack of money, a missed doctors appointment to get a refill for them or my brain makes me stop taking them.  The first two reasons are difficult enough but the third one is the toughest. I start to believe that ...

You once had all of this heart. It was overflowing with such love for you that not even your leaving could stop it's flow. I imagined so often holding you in these arms that they grew tired with the thought. In my mind I've kissed you and whispered of my love a thousand times.. . These lips, these eyes and these ears were all yours to have~ They each strained to be kissed by your love. My thoughts were full of you and my voice wanted so badly to call your name but when I did and you weren't there, it went silent. You once had this woman fighting her own pain to love one more time, to battle the fears of loving and falling all over again. The hope I felt for us was like a dandelion seed on the wind allowing you to pull and toss me anywhere just to finally touch your skin and feel love back from you. You once had all the best of me yet you couldn't see it~ I didn't have a place in your world and certainly no corner of your heart. You took m...

Tired of constantly feeding this hunger only to be empty and longing all over again. ...Of trying to sleep only to have the tiredness drag me down as soon as I wake. Tired of carving these words unto the paper and into my soul in desperation to leave them for good only to feel them reappear stronger with a selfish need to be heard and read again . I am exhausted by my need to hear your voice, to feel your touch on my skin and taste your love on my lips only to be lonely in the end. I want to just be~ To ride free on the wind with no hope in my soul or love in my heart. © 2014 Stacy J French (Roosa) (All rights reserved)

I met Jesse several years ago on facebook.  He had posted a status about the sudden loss of wife several years before and how difficult it was on him. I reached out to him to send my condolences as I had lost my Mom around the same time. We formed a quick friendship and soon we were spending many hours on line messaging each other through facebook and Skype.   Our relationship was complicated because of the 3,000 miles between us but other than that it was so very easy and simple. We'd listen to music and watch movies on line together. Sometimes I would just sit and watch him get his fishing equipment together for his trip the next day. He'd watch me watching television or cooking dinner for the kids.  I'd send him links to my poetry and to this blog. Honestly though, he would have already read them seconds after I posted them. He encouraged me in so many ways, including pushing me to go to my daughters school when they invited me to go read my poetry. He knew that I d...

There were so many words unspoken that laid somewhere between my heart and your ears. They would wing like mad  when they heard your voice. They would take flight up to my throat but I kept swallowing them back down. I have been caging them  since I realized  there was no tomorrow  for you and me. And with it,  Hope gave in and took it's last breath. All gone, forever to be a memory, my love for you died of a broken heart. ~Stacy J. French © 2014 Stacy J French (Roosa) (All rights reserved)

I wrote this poem back in the beginning of August. I was never going to dare share it because I was so very humiliated and ashamed of how I've felt. Yet with the death of Robin Williams and the utter sad truth that people with depression suffer alone, I think it's time to stop silencing what I've felt. Thank you to Robin for giving us the gift of your humor. You will forever be remembered for that...And because of what your untimely passing has brought to light, you have given a voice to the truth of depression that has been all too stigmatized.   As one last note, don't worry about me...I am getting real help now. When you have this secret you must never even dare whisper it. It's voice could paralyze time and worse,  the truth of it could cause heartbreak. How though do I keep such a thing to myself? I have for so long. I've eaten with it, slept with it next to me and I've constantly tasted it's bitterness on my tongue. I've lived...

Open your gorgeous eyes. I am here, waiting to see the world through your irises. I am willing to give up my own  to have the gift that is your view. How can I express my love for you anymore than to want to hold you,  to tell you that I love you~ To have you guide me through this darkness and back to the light? I want to feel your fingers intertwined with mine as we step into the day and fall asleep with one another until our last breath. You make me feel so well loved, so very needed and in this world and in my life, that is a miracle. Open your heart and let me in. I promise not to break it. How could I? You are the other half of my soul. ~Stacy J French © 2014 Stacy J French (Roosa) (All rights reserved)

Today was a truly sad day. We all lost a beloved, very funny comedian/actor, Robin Williams.  It has been reported that he committed suicide after struggling a long time with depression and alcohol addiction.  This has hit so many of us personally. I am not a therapist nor am I an expert of the human mind. My words will not be shared a thousand times over for the masses to read nor while I be someone who people come to for advice~but what I do know about depression is from personal experience and a lifetime of struggling with it as well as having an anxiety disorder in the past few years. This is meant for even that one person struggling with depression, anxiety and/or other mental health issues that is having a difficult time reaching out for help for fear of judgment or feeling that no one will understand. You are NOT alone...In this awful tragedy today that much has proven to be true. Depression can affect all socioeconomic "classes" as well as people who, to spite th...