~The Secret Of Suicide~

I wrote this poem back in the beginning of August. I was never going to dare share it because I was so very humiliated and ashamed of how I've felt. Yet with the death of Robin Williams and the utter sad truth that people with depression suffer alone, I think it's time to stop silencing what I've felt. Thank you to Robin for giving us the gift of your humor. You will forever be remembered for that...And because of what your untimely passing has brought to light, you have given a voice to the truth of depression that has been all too stigmatized.  

 As one last note, don't worry about me...I am getting real help now.
When you have this secret
you must never even dare whisper it.
It's voice could paralyze time
and worse, 
the truth of it could cause heartbreak.

 How though do I keep such a thing to myself?
I have for so long.
I've eaten with it,
slept with it next to me
and I've constantly tasted it's bitterness on my tongue.

 I've lived with it so long
that it's become the only voice I trust
when all others have gone silent and died away.

 ....When it's the only way I've seen the world
in as long as I've taken in breath,
how do I let the sunshine in?
It gets swallowed up in the black night.

 This secret is not even safe with you, my friend.
You will tell on me, 
stop me
and by doing so, make me pretend that its all alright again.

 But it's not. It's dark and cold.
This depression is as deep as it is wide 
and as real as the exhaustion
at keeping it a secret.
Tired and so sick of pretending to be happy.
Will I die with this secret
or because of it?

 August 7, 2014

 © 2014 Stacy J French (Roosa) (All rights reserved)

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