~ Making Friends Online ~




Since we moved to California about a year ago I have fallen into a deeper and darker depression than I've ever known.  It's not just the move itself, as it has its positive points too starting over but it is the sum of losing so many important things. I lost my Mom 5 years ago and not being able to visit her grave site or, more importantly, places we visited together in our hometown is very difficult. Also, my 15 and 17 year old are no longer here with me.  As a Mom who respects her kids, I let them choose to move back East after only a short stay here because they too missed their friends and the familiarity of home.  I've been sick physically and on top of that have only recently been able to get health insurance and begin taking the medications I need for my depression and anxiety...It is all part of who I am now but it is not all that I am. Its just a stumbling block for me.  One I will overcome.

It's an awful feeling to be so alone in a place where the only people I know are Jesse and his family. After Jesse leaves for work I either go hide in bed and pray for sleep or I put on my headphones and listen to the music on my Ipod. I settle in with my thoughts and my worries because to spite the sadness they give me, they are real and honest though, at times, very self defeating...and they keep my company.  Even though I wasn't the most social person back home in Massachusetts, at least I had familiar and safe places to go and family I could talk to and visit.  Here I know no one. It's why I am on social networking more than ever...

Being alone isn't upsetting in itself. I like my "me" time. I can listen to whatever music I like, write, clean, not clean (lol), and watch whatever I want on the television.  But there are times that even my self isolation is too much and I find myself drowning in it. Like a great wave that kicks out the earth below my feet, I have to hold on for the ride and let it overwhelm me because I have no control... I need someone to talk out loud to~ I need to hear a human voice and know that I am connecting to something more than this depression. Otherwise the silence gets so overbearing and the loneliness becomes a way of life. I sink deeper into my own world.

I have some very good friends online~ Some of them are old classmates, some are family and friends I've known all my life and others are people I've met strictly online.  It can be difficult to bond with new people.  New friends don't yet know your stories, your quirks or what you've been through...And you don't know the same things about them.  There is only so much you can tell another person through messages and texting. And lets face it, no matter how good you might be at writing and describing your life, it's up to time and the other person's understanding to get across your true self. Especially because reading eachother's texts and messages is not the same as hearing one another's voices.  How can I know what the true emotions they are putting forth are and how can I convey my own true feelings?

 I have been lucky enough to "meet" a few very good people this way. The relationships didn't happen overnight. Often I've given a lot of time and attention to people who I thought meant well only to learn that they were feigning interest to get my trust and set themselves up to hurt me.  It took a long time to get in a comfortable groove where I could trust that what I wrote, that the truth I told, would be taken to heart and not used against me, only to have a few people unexpectedly turn on me or disappear.  Too many people online seem to be looking for someone like me to take advantage of. It's nothing personal, they just suck.  I think that is the one of saddest things I've learned in this life.

So, I beg for myself and all trusting people like me everywhere to those people out "there" in real life and online,~ please don't take it for granted when someone takes the time to get to know you, to share their worst fears and greatest dreams and to give you their precious time.  You may be one of a very small amount of people that "we" trust...You may be the only person in our lives that we think we can be real with.  So having a person come along and earn our trust and time only to find out that the person was using us, is heartbreaking.  I know that there will always be users as long as there is money, sex or ego to be gained, but I pray that the people that I give my time to are giving back just as much of themselves...That they truly mean well.  If they don't, I beg of them to move on...Find some other form of abuse to put your energy into that doesn't include hurting us trusting and loving people. This world is broken, I am too broken,  and life is too short to be giving out oneself  to people who only want you when they need something or have time for you. Maybe I am the biggest fool, but I have yet to learn not to trust. I have to believe that there are still good people in this world and that even bad people can change.

In time I will get through this and all the people with bad intentions will prove and weed themselves out.  I won't give them a second or a third chance anymore. Life is just too short and I'd rather be alone than be with anyone who doesn't see me for the good, albeit broken, woman I am.  






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