~ How Do I Stop Being Me? ~

I am the kind of girl who has always given 2nd and 3rd chances to people...Even after I've recognized that a person is not good for me, I let them back in when they apologize.  That goes for friends, significant others and family.

I get hurt a lot. Actually, that is an understatement...I become devastated.  The feeling of renewed rejection after all the strength it took me to forgive the person takes yet another piece of me with them as they go. I expect that people will have the same heart as me and very often I learn that they don't.  I find out that they only wanted me back in their life for their own benefit and once I am no longer needed they are gone again.  The reasoning with myself that I did in order to let that person back in turns into self hatred and shame.  I swear off all people and love. I want to hide in my cocoon of safety.

Sadly (usually) those very people have gone onto hurt me all over again. Their words were barely out of their mouth and hanging in the air at the same time that their actions burst them like bubbles. All that remains is my broken heart. I get so tired of being hurt.

Often I sit here wondering what it is that makes me this way...Why do I allow myself to feel such hope and forgiveness for others? I don't even give myself a small amount of the empathy I feel for others.  I cannot imagine that people would hurt others on purpose.  Is it that I am strong and loving enough to forgive others? Or is it that I am too weak to hold my own and stand up for myself?

I am ready to change for the better...I recognize that I need a lot of work. Yet I don't know where to start....For how can I decide to stop being me?? In all the work to put back together my fractured heart again and again I think one thing is true...Weak or strong, foolish or loving, I'd rather be like me than to ever be like them. 

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