~ I Choose Pain Over Pills ~
A year ago today I chose to take my last prescribed pain medication and become clean. It was a Christmas present to myself and one of the most difficult things I've ever done. After 6 plus years of being on pain management for a bad back and taking everything from Vicodin to Percocet and finally Methadone, I was no longer getting relief from the narcotics. I found myself taking them just to feel normal....So as not to go through withdrawal. For the many years I was on the various drugs I lied to myself. I talked myself into believing that they were helping my back and that the euphoric feeling was just a side affect that I could take or leave. Biggest lie of my life.
It is only after a few weeks that a person who takes any of these medications can become physically addicted to them. Mentally it can happen with the first "high". I felt like I could accomplish anything when I was in the arms of that buzz. I was super happy, organized, social and felt positive about the future. Yet the fall was just as steep and I would become easily angered, moody, negative in thoughts and looking to simply feel that euphoria again. I found myself withdrawing from the world as I became addicted. Too many questions from others about what I take and how much. Why was I wide awake at night and sleeping all day... How was I so up one minute then cranky the next? Paranoia ensued. I thought everyone was out to get me. It emotionally screwed me up and I truly believe that mixing these pain medications with my depression led to me becoming a hermit. I no longer wanted to leave my home. For months I didn't except to go to my pain management doctor and to the pharmacy. It was a slippery slope and I wasn't even trying to fight gravity.
Sure, I can put some of the blame on the doctor who so willy~ nilly put me on the medications but the fault lays in my own judgment. I found out when I went to a new doctor that the 90 Mg's of Methadone that my original doctor was prescribing me was never to be taken by someone all at once and in one day unless a doctor very carefully and slowly increased 5 Mg's at a time~ 90 mg being the cut off a day. I was told such a high dose taken so quickly could give me heart issues~Even a heart attack. No wonder I was a zombie. My doctor started me at the top amount and seemed to have no intent to wean me. I was too wrapped up in the arms of that damn drug to see what it was doing to me...
That is until I almost crashed my car falling asleep at the wheel while driving my kids to school. As I looked back at their scared faces and held back tears I realized that I was an addict...No, not an addict who went on the street exchanging money for drugs or, worse, other things, but an addict all the same. That was when I told my doctor that I wanted off the medication. The only way to do that was to wean me. It was a joke really as he only took one or two pills away from the entire script a month...I trusted him. I thought that he knew what was best for me. I also was in no rush as I knew from going off of Vicodin very quickly that a sudden stop would cause such horrible withdrawal symptoms that I would want to die.
For months he "weaned" me very slowly but when we moved to California I was still taking 40 Milligram's. When we got here I searched for a pain clinic. Imagine the look on this new doctors face when I told him that I had been on pain management for 6 years and wanted him to prescribe this Methadone only to be weaned. Many doctors don't give Methadone for pain management. He made phone calls, found out that indeed I had been on it and was on a slow wean. He tested my blood for other drugs and had me sign a contract promising I would take the medication as prescribed. He then knocked me down to 20 Mg's. Over the next few weeks I was weaned down 5 Mg's every 3-4 days until on December 24th I took my very last pill. I thought it would be easier than any other time I ran out of medication because I had stepped down off of them. Wrong. It was 3 months of flu like symptoms, constantly sneezing (like 30 plus times a day), stomach pain, muscle aches, depression...Just wanting to curl up and die.
It was as I became "clean" and stayed that way that I realized the price I paid (and was continuing to pay) for taking this medication. My kids, always amazing and loving, were surprised to see me more alert and awake during the day. I cannot tell you the guilt I felt whenever they would ask me if I was going to take a nap because "if you want to we understand. We can make dinner and do our homework on our own." It was awful to hear that. I had never even let them use the toaster or microwave alone in my normal state. Had it gotten that bad? Had I put down my responsibilities as a Mother as I picked up each pill? No, I would tell them...Mommy doesn't need a nap. (Mommy needs to make up for being a crappy Mommy).
Letting my kids down was the worst of it. Less important, but very real, was the toll the pain medications took on me. I know now that Methadone eats your bones from the inside out. I also realize that in that 6 years I never really slept. I was always on the edge of falling into a deep sleep but never able to let go. Now that I've been off of them I am lucky to get 2-3 hours of sleep at a time. Then there is the mirror.... Never thrilled or happy with the way I looked, now I can't even pass a mirror without wanting to break it. Dark circles under my eyes, loss of muscle, my skin so dry....Like I said, it is the least of the damage I've done but it certainly doesn't help me to forgive myself and move on.
Please know that I am not judging anyone else who is in pain management. If you are truly taking pain medications carefully and with the monitoring of a responsible doctor, pain management can work. All I know is that for many people your pain tolerance gets lower after awhile of taking any narcotic. Soon you are taking more and more of the medication until there is no amount that works. I find that now that I don't take pain medication at all that I've learned other ways to deal with my back pain. It's not ever a "Quick fix" but unlike the pills it is safer. There are people that will be on long term pain management who take the medications only for the pain relief benefits. I've even met a few people who hate the side affects of the medications. I wish I had been one of those people. The narcotics never made me feel sick...
So, its a year and I am pain medication free. I still struggle of course. My body isn't the same anymore...I am taking medications for my depression but I've had that issue all my life. Unlike the narcotics, the depression medications don't make me feel instantly euphoric....They just even me out. Well, sometimes they numb me but that's another topic. I have come to terms with the fact that I will have to take these medications for the rest of my life. Still, I never plan on taking pain pills for long term pain management ever again. I am still struggling after a year to get back to who I was 6 or so years ago, before the medications stole my feeling of self worth as well as any desire to be sociable and worse, the respect of my family and friends. I am certainly not going back to that hole again. Life is difficult enough without adding to it such a controlling substance.
It is only after a few weeks that a person who takes any of these medications can become physically addicted to them. Mentally it can happen with the first "high". I felt like I could accomplish anything when I was in the arms of that buzz. I was super happy, organized, social and felt positive about the future. Yet the fall was just as steep and I would become easily angered, moody, negative in thoughts and looking to simply feel that euphoria again. I found myself withdrawing from the world as I became addicted. Too many questions from others about what I take and how much. Why was I wide awake at night and sleeping all day... How was I so up one minute then cranky the next? Paranoia ensued. I thought everyone was out to get me. It emotionally screwed me up and I truly believe that mixing these pain medications with my depression led to me becoming a hermit. I no longer wanted to leave my home. For months I didn't except to go to my pain management doctor and to the pharmacy. It was a slippery slope and I wasn't even trying to fight gravity.
Sure, I can put some of the blame on the doctor who so willy~ nilly put me on the medications but the fault lays in my own judgment. I found out when I went to a new doctor that the 90 Mg's of Methadone that my original doctor was prescribing me was never to be taken by someone all at once and in one day unless a doctor very carefully and slowly increased 5 Mg's at a time~ 90 mg being the cut off a day. I was told such a high dose taken so quickly could give me heart issues~Even a heart attack. No wonder I was a zombie. My doctor started me at the top amount and seemed to have no intent to wean me. I was too wrapped up in the arms of that damn drug to see what it was doing to me...
That is until I almost crashed my car falling asleep at the wheel while driving my kids to school. As I looked back at their scared faces and held back tears I realized that I was an addict...No, not an addict who went on the street exchanging money for drugs or, worse, other things, but an addict all the same. That was when I told my doctor that I wanted off the medication. The only way to do that was to wean me. It was a joke really as he only took one or two pills away from the entire script a month...I trusted him. I thought that he knew what was best for me. I also was in no rush as I knew from going off of Vicodin very quickly that a sudden stop would cause such horrible withdrawal symptoms that I would want to die.
For months he "weaned" me very slowly but when we moved to California I was still taking 40 Milligram's. When we got here I searched for a pain clinic. Imagine the look on this new doctors face when I told him that I had been on pain management for 6 years and wanted him to prescribe this Methadone only to be weaned. Many doctors don't give Methadone for pain management. He made phone calls, found out that indeed I had been on it and was on a slow wean. He tested my blood for other drugs and had me sign a contract promising I would take the medication as prescribed. He then knocked me down to 20 Mg's. Over the next few weeks I was weaned down 5 Mg's every 3-4 days until on December 24th I took my very last pill. I thought it would be easier than any other time I ran out of medication because I had stepped down off of them. Wrong. It was 3 months of flu like symptoms, constantly sneezing (like 30 plus times a day), stomach pain, muscle aches, depression...Just wanting to curl up and die.
It was as I became "clean" and stayed that way that I realized the price I paid (and was continuing to pay) for taking this medication. My kids, always amazing and loving, were surprised to see me more alert and awake during the day. I cannot tell you the guilt I felt whenever they would ask me if I was going to take a nap because "if you want to we understand. We can make dinner and do our homework on our own." It was awful to hear that. I had never even let them use the toaster or microwave alone in my normal state. Had it gotten that bad? Had I put down my responsibilities as a Mother as I picked up each pill? No, I would tell them...Mommy doesn't need a nap. (Mommy needs to make up for being a crappy Mommy).
Letting my kids down was the worst of it. Less important, but very real, was the toll the pain medications took on me. I know now that Methadone eats your bones from the inside out. I also realize that in that 6 years I never really slept. I was always on the edge of falling into a deep sleep but never able to let go. Now that I've been off of them I am lucky to get 2-3 hours of sleep at a time. Then there is the mirror.... Never thrilled or happy with the way I looked, now I can't even pass a mirror without wanting to break it. Dark circles under my eyes, loss of muscle, my skin so dry....Like I said, it is the least of the damage I've done but it certainly doesn't help me to forgive myself and move on.
Please know that I am not judging anyone else who is in pain management. If you are truly taking pain medications carefully and with the monitoring of a responsible doctor, pain management can work. All I know is that for many people your pain tolerance gets lower after awhile of taking any narcotic. Soon you are taking more and more of the medication until there is no amount that works. I find that now that I don't take pain medication at all that I've learned other ways to deal with my back pain. It's not ever a "Quick fix" but unlike the pills it is safer. There are people that will be on long term pain management who take the medications only for the pain relief benefits. I've even met a few people who hate the side affects of the medications. I wish I had been one of those people. The narcotics never made me feel sick...
So, its a year and I am pain medication free. I still struggle of course. My body isn't the same anymore...I am taking medications for my depression but I've had that issue all my life. Unlike the narcotics, the depression medications don't make me feel instantly euphoric....They just even me out. Well, sometimes they numb me but that's another topic. I have come to terms with the fact that I will have to take these medications for the rest of my life. Still, I never plan on taking pain pills for long term pain management ever again. I am still struggling after a year to get back to who I was 6 or so years ago, before the medications stole my feeling of self worth as well as any desire to be sociable and worse, the respect of my family and friends. I am certainly not going back to that hole again. Life is difficult enough without adding to it such a controlling substance.
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