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~Your loss, My Gain~

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Okay, so its over. I wrote you an e-mail along with the blog, asked you to consider working through our problems to get back to our friendship but you have gone unseen and unheard. I should not be surprised. In fact, I should be relieved as I feel that I am the one who fought for us while you just rode the waves. I am a woman, lost at times, full of self-doubt and feelings of abandonment. Sadly, having issues like these can make maintaining a long-distance friendship hard. Even more difficult is when the other person goes along fine,it seems, but is never honest about their feelings like I believe you weren't. It's very possible that all that we went through was my fault and that I made it a mess from day one but you won't voice your emotions so how can I see anything but my side? I really wanted to see yours but I couldn't, you wouldn't let me. My last e-mail I asked you to come chat, to talk about what happened, or didn't happen, to cause me to think tha...
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- Not A Word -

Your silence pains me. It catches a sigh so deep in my chest that it hurts to move and to breathe. Your silence has a way of gobbling up  all of the sweet words you've spoken until the teeth of doubt chews away at reason. Your silence haunts me. Like the one lone shadow in an open,  sun-drenched field where no objects stand to cause a block of the sun, your quiet eclipses the sunshine. Your silence shames me. I go over every word we have said to eachother. I pick apart sentences until the words are unlatched and mixed up. Then I  rearrange them in my head until their meaning is muddy and I feel a conflict within me. Your silence breaks me. I'd rather you voice the truth-  whatever that is- to clear up all this anxiety storming within. I continue to feel that I am not worthy of your time... Even a mere second. The sharp edges of the words "too busy" and "not important enough"  cut into the flesh of my brain, leaking the poison ...
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Taking A Joke

Its come to my attention that life is a joke....Or, at least, it should be taken as one. I am a perfectionist. I worry about things I cannot control and I worry about worrying. If there is something going on, be it a meeting for the kids, a doctors appointment next week or a bill due, I am going to put all my thought energy into thinking, rethinking and overthinking a possible negative outcome. Lately its gotten so bad that I cannot sleep, eat anything more than a snack or enjoy my life when it is going well. So worried about what might happen, I can't relish the moments that aren't going badly. So I decided last night that enough is enough! I am going to stop letting the "what if" scenarios of my days halt my life. There will be a tomorrow, the day will come and go and maybe come again and there may be really bad days in my future but I certainly cannot make them disappear or go smoother by stressing out about them all the moments and days before and until they c...
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