~ When You Left ~
Since you left, I don't cry over much anymore. I know real loss now so anything less does not cause me tears. There are so many things I miss about you, I wouldn't even know where to begin in order to make a list...In the end though, it's a colder world without you in it.
I often think about that last day. What I could have said, done, to help you stay. I know that I may not have had much power over your last breath but I cannot help but wonder. When the doctor said those final words, that you had left us, all I could think about, selfishly, was that there was no one left on the face of this earth that I could trust, who loved me like you did, and who could help all of us, including your Grandkids, see the world through your amazing eyes.
I have many regrets about those days. I was thrown into the position of having to plan your funeral and be the strong one. I admit I wasn't very good at it. I did have help from other family members~ Your siblings, your Mom and my sister. Still, in the end as Dad sat next to me in that funeral home as vulnerable as I'd ever seen him, I knew that life for us would never be the same. It came down to ordering flowers, picking out a casket, an outfit for you and so many other details. I remember someone from the hospital calling me at home to ask if I'd consider donating your organs, tissue, eyes. I remember feeling both insulted and confused. Confused because I couldn't recall if you'd ever shared your wishes about donation...Insulted because I couldn't imagine the Mother I idolized and loved for both her inner and outer beauty, separated from yourself. I do feel badly over my quick and emotional (probably selfish) answer to them. If I had said "yes" you may have been even a strangers reason for happiness and not just your family and friends.
I remember going into writer mode. You had been so proud of my writing. You thought I'd be a well known and published poet. My last gift to you was to write and read outloud to a church full of mourning family and friends about how you lit up a room, how your wonderful personality attracted even strangers and the beauty you carried and shared.
Mom, there aren't enough words to explain how sad we all were-how your loss continues to haunt us. My kids, your Grandkids, miss you so very much and talk of you often. We laugh about how you would get "upset" at Tessa for rolling her eyes. How Bailey was your first Grandchild and how Dad and you pretty much moved in with us once he was born. I am sad that they will not have the privelege of growing up with you at their side. You were, are, and will always be a beautiful memory to them. Honestly, they have nothing negative to say about you as you brought such joy and love to them. I never thought you could be anymore gorgeous or loving yet each Grandkid that came into this world brought out even more love and beauty from you.
Tomorrow would have been your birthday. While everyday is difficult without you here, there are certain days that are harder than others...The anniversary of your passing, Christmas, my birthday, your birthday, your anniversary date to Dad... I have more good days than bad, that's true, and I try not to feel sad when I think of you because I know you would have never wanted any of us to feel any of the pain we felt. But there are times, even on good days, that I remember that you no longer walk this earth and the loss I feel all over again coupled with the feeling of dread at the thought is just too much to bear.
I hope that there is a heaven, that God exists and that you are watching over us...I hope especially that you are watching over all your Grandkids including my two who are not here with me anymore. (The pain of that is a close second to losing you.) I pray that you are the angel watching over them. With you on their side, they are the luckiest kids.
Tears are rolling down my cheeks but not only for my own sadness over losing you. I cry also because I am just so very thankful that I was blessed with having you as my Mother and my best friend. The good in me is thanks to you and to Dad. I hope you are in Heaven looking down on us smiling that bright red, gorgeous smile. I hope I will make you proud. You continue to be my inspiration. I love you and I thank you.
I often think about that last day. What I could have said, done, to help you stay. I know that I may not have had much power over your last breath but I cannot help but wonder. When the doctor said those final words, that you had left us, all I could think about, selfishly, was that there was no one left on the face of this earth that I could trust, who loved me like you did, and who could help all of us, including your Grandkids, see the world through your amazing eyes.
I have many regrets about those days. I was thrown into the position of having to plan your funeral and be the strong one. I admit I wasn't very good at it. I did have help from other family members~ Your siblings, your Mom and my sister. Still, in the end as Dad sat next to me in that funeral home as vulnerable as I'd ever seen him, I knew that life for us would never be the same. It came down to ordering flowers, picking out a casket, an outfit for you and so many other details. I remember someone from the hospital calling me at home to ask if I'd consider donating your organs, tissue, eyes. I remember feeling both insulted and confused. Confused because I couldn't recall if you'd ever shared your wishes about donation...Insulted because I couldn't imagine the Mother I idolized and loved for both her inner and outer beauty, separated from yourself. I do feel badly over my quick and emotional (probably selfish) answer to them. If I had said "yes" you may have been even a strangers reason for happiness and not just your family and friends.
I remember going into writer mode. You had been so proud of my writing. You thought I'd be a well known and published poet. My last gift to you was to write and read outloud to a church full of mourning family and friends about how you lit up a room, how your wonderful personality attracted even strangers and the beauty you carried and shared.
Mom, there aren't enough words to explain how sad we all were-how your loss continues to haunt us. My kids, your Grandkids, miss you so very much and talk of you often. We laugh about how you would get "upset" at Tessa for rolling her eyes. How Bailey was your first Grandchild and how Dad and you pretty much moved in with us once he was born. I am sad that they will not have the privelege of growing up with you at their side. You were, are, and will always be a beautiful memory to them. Honestly, they have nothing negative to say about you as you brought such joy and love to them. I never thought you could be anymore gorgeous or loving yet each Grandkid that came into this world brought out even more love and beauty from you.
Tomorrow would have been your birthday. While everyday is difficult without you here, there are certain days that are harder than others...The anniversary of your passing, Christmas, my birthday, your birthday, your anniversary date to Dad... I have more good days than bad, that's true, and I try not to feel sad when I think of you because I know you would have never wanted any of us to feel any of the pain we felt. But there are times, even on good days, that I remember that you no longer walk this earth and the loss I feel all over again coupled with the feeling of dread at the thought is just too much to bear.
I hope that there is a heaven, that God exists and that you are watching over us...I hope especially that you are watching over all your Grandkids including my two who are not here with me anymore. (The pain of that is a close second to losing you.) I pray that you are the angel watching over them. With you on their side, they are the luckiest kids.
Tears are rolling down my cheeks but not only for my own sadness over losing you. I cry also because I am just so very thankful that I was blessed with having you as my Mother and my best friend. The good in me is thanks to you and to Dad. I hope you are in Heaven looking down on us smiling that bright red, gorgeous smile. I hope I will make you proud. You continue to be my inspiration. I love you and I thank you.
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