Leaving is Easier In My Mind
The day came yesterday when it was time to hit the road, as they say. We had spent a crazy few weeks trying to pack what we thought we could fit in our SUV while getting ready to sell everything else. The emotion that is attached to possessions is without reason. On one hand these items are "things". They can usually be bought over and over again and in many places but the very one that is in your possession becomes, at least to me, like a face-less person with a personality....Especially if the item was given to you by a loved one. In that case it feels almost like you are selling and leaving behind a part of that person. And even though you reason in your mind that no, that is NOT true...that they are JUST items, when the day comes to sell them no amount of money is enough because how can we attach a price to an emotion such as love? That is why I asked everyone else what price they thought I should sell the bear or the piece of furniture for. That was the only way to deal with what felt like a death all over again.
Then the cats. I know everyone had wonderful ideas on how I could keep my babies but when it came down to it there were 2 major reasons why it was just out of the question....1) Where would they go? Our SUV is packed so tightly that my poor kids are holding their bags on their laps and a cooler between them. The cats would have climbed all over the car, or tried to, and the 3000 miles would have been an emotional mess for them. Even if we could fit a pet carrier in the car, they will NOT go into one. I have the scratches all over my body to prove it. 2). Where would we bring them when and if we got to California with them? We have not secured a home yet so we will be staying with my fiance's family. They have dogs. How could I ask them to take on even more after they are already doing so much? It was the hardest thing I did, giving them "away" and I cried like a baby after. Luckily they went to a family member whose kids wanted and needed a pet or two right at the very time we were realizing we couldn't bring them. On top of that we can visit the cats when we come back to visit. I know they will be happy but I will be honest, all I can think about is how in their minds they must be questioning where we went and why we would suddenly go away. I don't do well with the idea of abandonment. I am tearing up now just writing all this. Still I know that they will be happy and I had to do something selfless so that they would not go through 5 or so days of stress in our very packed car.
Like I said, we didn't get a lot of time to move. Usually I would have packed, cleaned the house top to bottom and made sure that the only thing I left behind was the keys. In this case where the owners wanted us out in less than 15 days, we were not able to follow my usual plan. When we left there were still items there...Things that could have made any home warmer and my home in California more like my home here, but there was no way to take it all. What I did take though will at least make my new home feel warmer and more like my Mom had been there.
When I was finally "done" (or finally forced to be done because it was time to go), my ex husband to be, my best friend Jen who I hadn't really seen or spoken to in too many years and my father and his wife stood in front of our house to say goodbye. I have to admit, while the goodbyes were very hard, the one to my best friend of over 20 years was the hardest. We had ceased talking over a year before because of a disagreement that now seems so damn petty and useless. We lost all this time and now as I was standing there hugging Jen goodbye I apologized to her for allowing something so stupid to get between us. We both cried. Then my ex husband stood there. Here is the man I loved and married for over 17 years. He's selfless enough to allow me to take the kids~And smart enough to know that they are old enough to make their own choices about where they want to live and with which parent~ but it occurred to me that this man who I had fallen out of love with, was entrusting our kids with me. He was near tears himself. That rarely happens. I gave him a big hug and reminded him that he needs to divorce me... I know it sounds mean but its a joke between us.
Then I had to say goodbye to Dad. Since his strokes he can be emotional. This man who I had seen never break a sweat over anything and who had never shed a tear that I knew of in my childhood, was crying. I honestly didn't know if he'd care that I was going because things had been so difficult over the past few years since he met and married the woman he's with...Even though I had decided that i would NOT get in their way even to spite the many warnings from doctors and other people, I admit I have been very upset to learn that they married without telling us and that they had been having conversations with the very landlord who had lied to us and the Realtor who, to spite her promise to her craft to never EVER share information with anyone about another renter, had told them about any money we were late on and when we'd be asked to leave. I couldn't let that get in the way of my true and very deep love of my father so I let it go. All that mattered to me was that he know that I was moving to find a better life for us but not wanting to leave him behinds.
Suddenly as we got in the car and were waving goodbye to everyoneI thought all at once that this choice I have made to move is so much bigger than the 3000 miles or the stupid items I've stressed over selling. These are my friends and family before me...friends of the kids asking if my son and daughter can come stay for the summer and who told me that they would miss like their own family...My choices are bigger than what fits in my SUV or how much I will be liked in California. I didn't dare cry in front of Jesse. I didn't want him to feel any negativity about me and my kids going to his home town to live. After all, he graciously and willingly gave up 3 years of his life to come to Berkshire County to be with me...How could I ever EVER complain about our choice to go. Honestly, I pushed the idea because I've known how much his own family is suffering with his absence.
So that is it...One family now gets back their family member while the other suffers the loss...Either way whether we stayed in Berkshire County or moved to California, a family loses their loved one. Its just not easy.
So, here I am at 230 am trying to gather my thoughts and handle the emotions that I've pushed back for so much time. I am excited about what's to come while a bit apprehensive about Jesse's very large family and whether they will like me an my kids. I know it will be whatever it is and we will make the best of it. Its a new start and a way for this scared, agoraphobic who couldn't leave my own house to go to the grocery store, to push and fight the fear I have of the world. You know though what I fear even more? Waking up in 25 years with my kids grown and moved on but still having to make excuses for why their Mother didn't come to an event or party. I refuse to miss their graduation, wedding, and on and on. I refuse to let my fear lead me into a very painful and lonely demise.
So, Goodbye Massachusetts and Hello California. I hope the coming days and weeks will prove to be the best. Love and light, hugs and prayers to everyone. Thank you all for supporting me and having my back and I promise to keep the pictures and my blog coming so you can travel with us!! I hope you enjoy the ride.
Then the cats. I know everyone had wonderful ideas on how I could keep my babies but when it came down to it there were 2 major reasons why it was just out of the question....1) Where would they go? Our SUV is packed so tightly that my poor kids are holding their bags on their laps and a cooler between them. The cats would have climbed all over the car, or tried to, and the 3000 miles would have been an emotional mess for them. Even if we could fit a pet carrier in the car, they will NOT go into one. I have the scratches all over my body to prove it. 2). Where would we bring them when and if we got to California with them? We have not secured a home yet so we will be staying with my fiance's family. They have dogs. How could I ask them to take on even more after they are already doing so much? It was the hardest thing I did, giving them "away" and I cried like a baby after. Luckily they went to a family member whose kids wanted and needed a pet or two right at the very time we were realizing we couldn't bring them. On top of that we can visit the cats when we come back to visit. I know they will be happy but I will be honest, all I can think about is how in their minds they must be questioning where we went and why we would suddenly go away. I don't do well with the idea of abandonment. I am tearing up now just writing all this. Still I know that they will be happy and I had to do something selfless so that they would not go through 5 or so days of stress in our very packed car.
Like I said, we didn't get a lot of time to move. Usually I would have packed, cleaned the house top to bottom and made sure that the only thing I left behind was the keys. In this case where the owners wanted us out in less than 15 days, we were not able to follow my usual plan. When we left there were still items there...Things that could have made any home warmer and my home in California more like my home here, but there was no way to take it all. What I did take though will at least make my new home feel warmer and more like my Mom had been there.
When I was finally "done" (or finally forced to be done because it was time to go), my ex husband to be, my best friend Jen who I hadn't really seen or spoken to in too many years and my father and his wife stood in front of our house to say goodbye. I have to admit, while the goodbyes were very hard, the one to my best friend of over 20 years was the hardest. We had ceased talking over a year before because of a disagreement that now seems so damn petty and useless. We lost all this time and now as I was standing there hugging Jen goodbye I apologized to her for allowing something so stupid to get between us. We both cried. Then my ex husband stood there. Here is the man I loved and married for over 17 years. He's selfless enough to allow me to take the kids~And smart enough to know that they are old enough to make their own choices about where they want to live and with which parent~ but it occurred to me that this man who I had fallen out of love with, was entrusting our kids with me. He was near tears himself. That rarely happens. I gave him a big hug and reminded him that he needs to divorce me... I know it sounds mean but its a joke between us.
Then I had to say goodbye to Dad. Since his strokes he can be emotional. This man who I had seen never break a sweat over anything and who had never shed a tear that I knew of in my childhood, was crying. I honestly didn't know if he'd care that I was going because things had been so difficult over the past few years since he met and married the woman he's with...Even though I had decided that i would NOT get in their way even to spite the many warnings from doctors and other people, I admit I have been very upset to learn that they married without telling us and that they had been having conversations with the very landlord who had lied to us and the Realtor who, to spite her promise to her craft to never EVER share information with anyone about another renter, had told them about any money we were late on and when we'd be asked to leave. I couldn't let that get in the way of my true and very deep love of my father so I let it go. All that mattered to me was that he know that I was moving to find a better life for us but not wanting to leave him behinds.
Suddenly as we got in the car and were waving goodbye to everyoneI thought all at once that this choice I have made to move is so much bigger than the 3000 miles or the stupid items I've stressed over selling. These are my friends and family before me...friends of the kids asking if my son and daughter can come stay for the summer and who told me that they would miss like their own family...My choices are bigger than what fits in my SUV or how much I will be liked in California. I didn't dare cry in front of Jesse. I didn't want him to feel any negativity about me and my kids going to his home town to live. After all, he graciously and willingly gave up 3 years of his life to come to Berkshire County to be with me...How could I ever EVER complain about our choice to go. Honestly, I pushed the idea because I've known how much his own family is suffering with his absence.
So that is it...One family now gets back their family member while the other suffers the loss...Either way whether we stayed in Berkshire County or moved to California, a family loses their loved one. Its just not easy.
So, here I am at 230 am trying to gather my thoughts and handle the emotions that I've pushed back for so much time. I am excited about what's to come while a bit apprehensive about Jesse's very large family and whether they will like me an my kids. I know it will be whatever it is and we will make the best of it. Its a new start and a way for this scared, agoraphobic who couldn't leave my own house to go to the grocery store, to push and fight the fear I have of the world. You know though what I fear even more? Waking up in 25 years with my kids grown and moved on but still having to make excuses for why their Mother didn't come to an event or party. I refuse to miss their graduation, wedding, and on and on. I refuse to let my fear lead me into a very painful and lonely demise.
So, Goodbye Massachusetts and Hello California. I hope the coming days and weeks will prove to be the best. Love and light, hugs and prayers to everyone. Thank you all for supporting me and having my back and I promise to keep the pictures and my blog coming so you can travel with us!! I hope you enjoy the ride.
Keep your chin up, hunni - you did not abandon the cats. Sure, I know you had to leave them behind... but at least you found them a new home before you left rather than leaving them in an empty property like a less caring owner would.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel that you have to stay strong for Jesse either - let him support you as he'll no doubt be wanting to anyway. Take the time to see that it's okay to be feeling the way that you do right now, then see that you are brave and strong for taking this hard step.
It might help to have an object that you can use when the anxiety gets to be too much for you, so you could either go buy something that you like to carry with you and look at when you are feeling anxious or pop outside and see if you can find a pretty stone or something that you can hold and study when the anxiety hits. Try to go with something small enough to fit in your pocket though so that it's never too far away from you.
Thank you Beck! What wonderful advice!! I will do just what you've advised and choose a safety item. I know just what it will be too! Thank you again. You have helped put a lot in perspective for me.
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