~Learning to Be Me For Me and Not For "You"~
I am a people pleaser. I try so hard to make everyone happy. Even when I write I tend to hold back many of my opinions because I hate the idea of anyone disagreeing with me.
But then I realize in this mess that I am NOT worthy of even one reader if I am not going to write as openly and as honestly as I can. If I am just going to tip toe around and say only what I think people want to hear, then why would anyone waste their time reading my thoughts?
My very last blog about my feelings about my hometown brought on a few disagreeing readers. I guess they didn't understand how I could put down a town where I lived. If they read my blog carefully they would have read that even from the beginning, even with my very first sentence, I was apologetic about how i am feeling presently. I am also aware that my negative feelings may have more to do with my tendency to push away anything that may cause me pain. My hometown and the people I've left behind are still here with me and I've yet to realize that I've really left my place of birth and the towns I lived in for 39 years. What hurt me in that place was more to do with people than a place. But I still say that if one day I become a published poet or book writer, suddenly the town that often snubbed me (like all towns do these days) will suddenly want to claim me ~and my possible (and hopeful) success as their own. THAT could make anyone feel bitter, I think.
So, what do I do? I am a person who cannot stand on my own for fear that if I do and anyone disagrees that I am just simply wrong. I know that is not true. What makes people the best and, for me and my anxiety, the worst, is that we have a voice and can string together even the most innocent of words to hurt others~Even unintentionally.
But to say that you don't agree with my feelings blows me away. I did not say that I was speaking for ALL residents of Pittsfield, etc..I made it quite clear that I was giving voice to a very painful set of experiences in the towns where I was raised and that those memories tend to darken the very sunlight of hope that I desperately need to feel.
But to be fair, if I am going to write a blog where I hope to help, challenge, support or give empathy to others, I must also expect to irritate, infuriate and annoy just as many people in the process. And whether I mean to do it doesn't seem to matter.
With all that in mind I make a promise that I will stop trying to sugar coat everything I feel and say. If you are looking for a place where facts are all that are allowed and written and where emotions are lacking, go to a news site. This is "Stacy's" blog...if you don't like what I am trying to do here than please, feel free to move along. The world does not cease spinning just because I disagree with the speed and the people that will find fault in every word I write are honestly not coming here to read my view of the world. They are visiting in order to judge it,
I don't go into your head and judge what you think, do I? And I wouldn't even if I could. So, please, feel free to come read my posts and poetry. I promise to write the truth about how I feel for now on without allowing my fear of what people will think get in the way. I don't need to worry about the people who don't care for or want my opinion...or anyone's for that matter if its opposite of their own beliefs.. (And by the way, here is a hint....You do not have to read my blog. It's a free internet. Feel free to go read or listen to someone that is more up your alley. My words, my blog and damn it, this is MY world in here. So, have a good life and before you judge the next person for their feelings on something, stop to think about what you are actually saying to them...You may as well say "You have a right to your own opinions and feelings based on your experiences but if they go against my own I will perceive you as a person who is either stupid for how you feel or insensitive." If you know me then you know that a lack of empathy has NEVER been my issue! I feel too much~ I worry, stress, cry and try to reroute even strangers if I know that their current direction isn't going to be a positive one. I am learning that being too outspoken or too introverted both have the same results..People who disagree..Some people have so many of their own problems and all they want to know is that they are not alone. THAT is why I write.
But then I realize in this mess that I am NOT worthy of even one reader if I am not going to write as openly and as honestly as I can. If I am just going to tip toe around and say only what I think people want to hear, then why would anyone waste their time reading my thoughts?
My very last blog about my feelings about my hometown brought on a few disagreeing readers. I guess they didn't understand how I could put down a town where I lived. If they read my blog carefully they would have read that even from the beginning, even with my very first sentence, I was apologetic about how i am feeling presently. I am also aware that my negative feelings may have more to do with my tendency to push away anything that may cause me pain. My hometown and the people I've left behind are still here with me and I've yet to realize that I've really left my place of birth and the towns I lived in for 39 years. What hurt me in that place was more to do with people than a place. But I still say that if one day I become a published poet or book writer, suddenly the town that often snubbed me (like all towns do these days) will suddenly want to claim me ~and my possible (and hopeful) success as their own. THAT could make anyone feel bitter, I think.
So, what do I do? I am a person who cannot stand on my own for fear that if I do and anyone disagrees that I am just simply wrong. I know that is not true. What makes people the best and, for me and my anxiety, the worst, is that we have a voice and can string together even the most innocent of words to hurt others~Even unintentionally.
But to say that you don't agree with my feelings blows me away. I did not say that I was speaking for ALL residents of Pittsfield, etc..I made it quite clear that I was giving voice to a very painful set of experiences in the towns where I was raised and that those memories tend to darken the very sunlight of hope that I desperately need to feel.
But to be fair, if I am going to write a blog where I hope to help, challenge, support or give empathy to others, I must also expect to irritate, infuriate and annoy just as many people in the process. And whether I mean to do it doesn't seem to matter.
With all that in mind I make a promise that I will stop trying to sugar coat everything I feel and say. If you are looking for a place where facts are all that are allowed and written and where emotions are lacking, go to a news site. This is "Stacy's" blog...if you don't like what I am trying to do here than please, feel free to move along. The world does not cease spinning just because I disagree with the speed and the people that will find fault in every word I write are honestly not coming here to read my view of the world. They are visiting in order to judge it,
I don't go into your head and judge what you think, do I? And I wouldn't even if I could. So, please, feel free to come read my posts and poetry. I promise to write the truth about how I feel for now on without allowing my fear of what people will think get in the way. I don't need to worry about the people who don't care for or want my opinion...or anyone's for that matter if its opposite of their own beliefs.. (And by the way, here is a hint....You do not have to read my blog. It's a free internet. Feel free to go read or listen to someone that is more up your alley. My words, my blog and damn it, this is MY world in here. So, have a good life and before you judge the next person for their feelings on something, stop to think about what you are actually saying to them...You may as well say "You have a right to your own opinions and feelings based on your experiences but if they go against my own I will perceive you as a person who is either stupid for how you feel or insensitive." If you know me then you know that a lack of empathy has NEVER been my issue! I feel too much~ I worry, stress, cry and try to reroute even strangers if I know that their current direction isn't going to be a positive one. I am learning that being too outspoken or too introverted both have the same results..People who disagree..Some people have so many of their own problems and all they want to know is that they are not alone. THAT is why I write.
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