~ I Am Orphaned From My Place Of Birth~
Please, read with understanding that I am just coming to find myself and come to terms with some strong emotions with this 3,000 mile move to California. I have just let go of the hand of the Berkshires to fall into the lap of a world, of something bigger than I've ever known. We all want roots, don't we. We want to know we belong to someone, to something...I have never felt that way in Lanesboro or Pittsfield...Especially after some good friends turned their backs on me when my husband and I decided to divorce. I learned that a man they had just met, who was born and went to a whole other school and town and who joined their volunteer fire department only a few years before, had more say and influence than myself who had been born and grew up there. Chalk it up to bad luck or crappy people who all just happen to work or are connected to the same place, but it seems that people should stop judging and start just letting things be. I am ashamed to say the following but not because it doesn't feel true but because it is not something I should ever feel is true. In time maybe I will learn that it wasn't all as bad as I thought.
Something occurred to me as I began our journey from Massachusetts to California... As we crossed the Massachusetts/New York line and left behind the schools, play yards and childhood home where I spent all of my 39 years, I felt like an orphan Other than some very wonderful people who I call friends and a few family members, I have never felt that I belonged or that Lanesboro or Pittsfield accepted "me", I was a taz payer, I was the sister of a law breaking brother and daughter of a very hard working, land owning Mom and Dad but the only time I felt that my town(s) cared about my existence was when I was late with a bill or they needed something from me. Sure, I know you will ask "What could a "town" possibly give to one person that they couldn't or shouldn't share with all?" That's just the issue I am wrestling with. We all have something to give one way or another. The town of Pittsfield lacked all inspiration and creativity except where artistic people pushed themselves in on them....And when something that someone added was a sudden "hit" suddenly the town and the Mayor wanted to claim them and the idea as their own. I guess this can be said of most towns but go to any town north, south, east or west of Pittsfield and at least you can find a place that is trying to do better, be better, inspire better. Pittsfield? All they seemed to want to get from any of us was money for pot holes, new lights or something like that. They even gave up on the Pittsfield Parade which was once all over t.v from the East to the West.
I have yet to "do" anything or create anything that my hometown would want to "claim" me for. Sure, I publish my poetry, I write a blog and I have friends and even strangers who read me BUT I do not put out a product that sparks their interest. Now, if ever I become a well known poet or writer suddenly it will matter to Pittsfield and Lanesboro that I was born and grew up there. Like the guy from the show "America's Next Top Model" who was born in Lanesboro, the Berkshire Eagle will want to publish "their finding" as if he or any other person who goes on to break free of the town, was founded by Berkshire County and as if its influence is what makes that man from Lanesboro a better model or me a better writer. We don't exist in this world until we are known or wanted. It's true of any of us. If you murder someone no town wants to "claim" you as their own. It means that the town may have had a bad influence. And while it's true that researchers and television shows will want to find the roots of an infamous mass murderer, to say that he or she killed because of where they were from is giving way too much power to any town. We ALL do it, lets face it. When we learn that a man or woman from our area does something very bad or worth noting, we go on to trace their life lines back to their parents, their town and their school. We dissect and figure out what may have happened to make that person "murderous" or talented. Just being a good but "aspiring" writer or artist or whatever we do in our lives is not "worthy" of our home town to take note of us unless we are a "household" name. It's sad to say but sometimes I can't help but think that this reaction is part of the reason why kids kill or break the law in big ways, to get the attention of their family, town, school and the news outlets.
Its sad and the thought of being claimed makes me say this now... I promise, if ever I write a book about my abuse or publish my collection of poetry that I have rattling around in my brain, I will take a serious look at which town I "give credit" to, If at all possible, I may just say I came from anywhere but Berkshire county..
On the other hand, I think we all owe our worst enemies and the people who "do us wrong" more credit for our successes than the people who supported us. After all, to spite the "bad" people in our lives, don't we sometimes feel almost dared to go above and beyond?? As I drove away from the place and people that gave up on us, who wouldn't even give us one more week to fix a mistake we were well aware we made, I looked into the rearview mirror and saw only broken promises and lost hope. I felt an awful feeling in my stomach that I had lost more to the Berkshires than I had gained...I lost my childhood to that man on Elm street and my virginity to the man off North. I lost my Mother to a hospital that could not seem to do anything right but kept telling us she was okay. I lost more than I ever gained....Those words hurt me just as much as they would hurt the town if I meant anything to it. In time I will know if those words are true or if I am just feeling them because of the pain and stress I feel at the moment with this huge move.. But a town like Pittsfield has never EVER nurtured, challenged or supported me (or anyone I know) to become the person that I know I have inside of me. Maybe California will do it...? Or maybe its not where we come from at all but where we DECIDE to go. Yeah, I think that is it. Goodbye for now Berkshire County. I met some amazing people there and also almost lost my hope several times to a few very bad people. Whenever I called on you for help you were less than willing to come to my aid. I hope in time you will become less than a vacuum and more of a place where people can actually feel a inspired to do and be better...And not in spite of the place but because of your inspiration and influence on people.
Something occurred to me as I began our journey from Massachusetts to California... As we crossed the Massachusetts/New York line and left behind the schools, play yards and childhood home where I spent all of my 39 years, I felt like an orphan Other than some very wonderful people who I call friends and a few family members, I have never felt that I belonged or that Lanesboro or Pittsfield accepted "me", I was a taz payer, I was the sister of a law breaking brother and daughter of a very hard working, land owning Mom and Dad but the only time I felt that my town(s) cared about my existence was when I was late with a bill or they needed something from me. Sure, I know you will ask "What could a "town" possibly give to one person that they couldn't or shouldn't share with all?" That's just the issue I am wrestling with. We all have something to give one way or another. The town of Pittsfield lacked all inspiration and creativity except where artistic people pushed themselves in on them....And when something that someone added was a sudden "hit" suddenly the town and the Mayor wanted to claim them and the idea as their own. I guess this can be said of most towns but go to any town north, south, east or west of Pittsfield and at least you can find a place that is trying to do better, be better, inspire better. Pittsfield? All they seemed to want to get from any of us was money for pot holes, new lights or something like that. They even gave up on the Pittsfield Parade which was once all over t.v from the East to the West.
I have yet to "do" anything or create anything that my hometown would want to "claim" me for. Sure, I publish my poetry, I write a blog and I have friends and even strangers who read me BUT I do not put out a product that sparks their interest. Now, if ever I become a well known poet or writer suddenly it will matter to Pittsfield and Lanesboro that I was born and grew up there. Like the guy from the show "America's Next Top Model" who was born in Lanesboro, the Berkshire Eagle will want to publish "their finding" as if he or any other person who goes on to break free of the town, was founded by Berkshire County and as if its influence is what makes that man from Lanesboro a better model or me a better writer. We don't exist in this world until we are known or wanted. It's true of any of us. If you murder someone no town wants to "claim" you as their own. It means that the town may have had a bad influence. And while it's true that researchers and television shows will want to find the roots of an infamous mass murderer, to say that he or she killed because of where they were from is giving way too much power to any town. We ALL do it, lets face it. When we learn that a man or woman from our area does something very bad or worth noting, we go on to trace their life lines back to their parents, their town and their school. We dissect and figure out what may have happened to make that person "murderous" or talented. Just being a good but "aspiring" writer or artist or whatever we do in our lives is not "worthy" of our home town to take note of us unless we are a "household" name. It's sad to say but sometimes I can't help but think that this reaction is part of the reason why kids kill or break the law in big ways, to get the attention of their family, town, school and the news outlets.
Its sad and the thought of being claimed makes me say this now... I promise, if ever I write a book about my abuse or publish my collection of poetry that I have rattling around in my brain, I will take a serious look at which town I "give credit" to, If at all possible, I may just say I came from anywhere but Berkshire county..
On the other hand, I think we all owe our worst enemies and the people who "do us wrong" more credit for our successes than the people who supported us. After all, to spite the "bad" people in our lives, don't we sometimes feel almost dared to go above and beyond?? As I drove away from the place and people that gave up on us, who wouldn't even give us one more week to fix a mistake we were well aware we made, I looked into the rearview mirror and saw only broken promises and lost hope. I felt an awful feeling in my stomach that I had lost more to the Berkshires than I had gained...I lost my childhood to that man on Elm street and my virginity to the man off North. I lost my Mother to a hospital that could not seem to do anything right but kept telling us she was okay. I lost more than I ever gained....Those words hurt me just as much as they would hurt the town if I meant anything to it. In time I will know if those words are true or if I am just feeling them because of the pain and stress I feel at the moment with this huge move.. But a town like Pittsfield has never EVER nurtured, challenged or supported me (or anyone I know) to become the person that I know I have inside of me. Maybe California will do it...? Or maybe its not where we come from at all but where we DECIDE to go. Yeah, I think that is it. Goodbye for now Berkshire County. I met some amazing people there and also almost lost my hope several times to a few very bad people. Whenever I called on you for help you were less than willing to come to my aid. I hope in time you will become less than a vacuum and more of a place where people can actually feel a inspired to do and be better...And not in spite of the place but because of your inspiration and influence on people.
Wow, i kinda know what ur feeln cuz i have moved aboyt 60plus moves and the feelns u get from ur experiences and how the town judges u or ur families actions. But i always try to not let it effect me but can be shoved in ur face over and over again. I thinks that why i stopped giving a shit . Cuz i know im a good person. I've never intensionally set out to hurt people. Or say hurtful things. I try everyday to do good think good thoughts it gets me through to next day. I feel bad cuz i know i'm one of those people ur talkn about. But i neva to abanoned u i just stepped aside but i thought i was keepn in touch throughout the years by means of conversation with ur children but come to find out it was neva gettn back to u . I feel some of that shame. But i found u again and will kerp in touch.i love u and ur children and jessie seems very niice.
ReplyDeleteOh No!!! You were absolutely NOT one of the people I was referring to Robyn!! I was speaking about the people who physically and mentally screwed with me and others! Still in the end, they are everywhere. I will not blame their actions on a town or towns. I was very honest in this blog so I have to remember that honesty can sometimes rub ppl the wrong way. But God, NO, I never thought of you as a bad memory!
ReplyDeleteStacy , very well written once again.. I knew when I left the berkshires that I was leaving for good.. I still don't miss it now after 13 years of being gone.. I miss family and friends, but not the towns themselves., too many bad memories, and bad people all together.. Pittsfield is rightly called, because it's the PITTS!! not alot of good people in the area, more bad than good, even my ex sister in law moved down here for a year to get away from it, but had to go back because of her daughter and she was lonely down here. But I think this move will do you so much good, and will open your eyes to see that there is so much more out there than the pit of the berkshire county..even lanesboro has it's faults, but it's a quaint little town and if i had a choice I would choose lanesboro as my birthplace..
ReplyDeleteI think it's the same for all areas of the us.of a ... there's the hub of a big city and then little towns that surround them,, even here where I live in florida. but in Cali, there are alot more people and many will have alot of differnt views than what you have.. it's a totally new world out there for you.. I hope you enjoy it, but at the same time, be careful ..
I always love the way you write from the heart, no matter what the outcome. Real, raw feelings! I love you!! You are an awesome person with the biggest, best heart in the world!
ReplyDelete