~It's all About Me~
In this trek across America I have learned many things...Yet of all of things I've learned about our country, the land and how scary some people can be while others can be amazing, I've learned more about myself. For instance,
I've learned....
1) that I can do ANYTHING if I set my mind to it or have no choice. In the 2 and a half weeks I've traveled in a packed to the gills SUV with 3 other people, visited the Grand Canyon to spite my own fear of heights, gone to two of Jesse's very close family's party's, traveled 3,000 plus miles where I had to go in and out of dozens of the busiest, dirtiest bathrooms and all while trying to keep 2 kids (one with a horrible double ear infection and ruptured ear drums) happy. It was NOT easy. Sometimes I wanted to get sick and more than that I wanted to hide, but I did it.
2) I, as picky as I am about food, (and wow, I am picky...if the bread is too soft or too hard, the pizza is too "Dominoes" like or too thick, if a sandwich is older than my making it in the last few minutes, I cannot usually eat it and will go hungry) But I learned that I can eat ANYTHING if I am hungry enough. Even the soggiest bread (Ick) and the worst coffee.
3) There is not enough restrooms between Pittsfield Massachusetts and Modesto California. And us women will not, cannot sit on a toilet in a public restroom. But we adapt.
4) Living in someone's house is not easy. You worry that you will upset or annoy them while they worry about your comfort and happiness. Your usual comforts are hard to come by because you want to be seen and not heard. But if you want them enough (to read or to sleep in) you will get them. I just had to learn that if someone has such a huge heart to even allow all 4 of us to stay, then they are not stressing out over the little things anyway..
5) If you feel uncomfortable around people you don't know (and I've been around HUNDREDS of them lately...more than I've been around in years) just smile. People understand that you are not in a normal situation. Many will come up and make conversation with you. People are good.
6) Pit bull dogs are NOT bad automatically. I've never been around too many but the ones I've met (there are 3 here) just want to trust and love just like a human. While one of them STILL growls whenever I leave my room, I have learned to just let her know I am not scared and do what I set out to.
7) I really have some amazing, loving and supportive friends on face book and in my daily life. I've posted some real detailed and "poor me" posts in my time and always put a link to this blog and I find that people actually care about what I write. It helps me and hopefully it shows others that we all have problems, opinions and fears but having them is not what makes it interesting in life...Its being understanding of others.
8) Jesse, my wonderful and loving fiance, is really good at helping me break out of this anxiety. He doesn't enable me by doing for me but is comforting about pushing me to do things when he sees a chance. He knows not to push too hard but also not to just do everything. That is important to fighting this anxiety.
9) I am a neat freak who tries to control everything from the placement of my coffee, snacks and books in the car to how many times I dust a week or clean a day. But driving cross country and living in someone's house has taught me that life is still going to go on as wild as it will be no matter how much I try to control it with lists, cleaning and organizing. Its okay to do these things I like to do but if I am going to continue to do my lists and organizing, I have to do it with the knowledge that I have little to no control over things in the world that may happen. People will die, get in accidents, have a bad day, make mistakes, forget the milk, and on and on. Making my lists will NOT make me perfect at life and now I see that life is better and more fulfilling when its part adventure.
10) I want to travel more. Sure, we are settling down for now so the kids can go to school and we can make some money but when we retire I want to buy an rv and travel to the other states we haven't seen...And not all on the freeway either but instead going through small towns and big cities.
Most of all, I've learned that I, Stacy, am not perfect. I am not always going to be understood for the decisions I make or the way I live but who gives a crap? I need to live for me, Jesse and the kids and be true to my heart. If I do what everyone else thinks is best than I'd be a puppet who will go crazy from the constant opinions and judgment. There will always be friends and family who I will care about their opinion but I should not feel like a bad person for having a different opinion. I am not cured of my need for validation, not by a long shot. But I am on my way, further from the place I called home and closer to myself through the miles I've gone.
Life is great and I am lucky to have this body, this mind and my faults.
I've learned....
1) that I can do ANYTHING if I set my mind to it or have no choice. In the 2 and a half weeks I've traveled in a packed to the gills SUV with 3 other people, visited the Grand Canyon to spite my own fear of heights, gone to two of Jesse's very close family's party's, traveled 3,000 plus miles where I had to go in and out of dozens of the busiest, dirtiest bathrooms and all while trying to keep 2 kids (one with a horrible double ear infection and ruptured ear drums) happy. It was NOT easy. Sometimes I wanted to get sick and more than that I wanted to hide, but I did it.
2) I, as picky as I am about food, (and wow, I am picky...if the bread is too soft or too hard, the pizza is too "Dominoes" like or too thick, if a sandwich is older than my making it in the last few minutes, I cannot usually eat it and will go hungry) But I learned that I can eat ANYTHING if I am hungry enough. Even the soggiest bread (Ick) and the worst coffee.
3) There is not enough restrooms between Pittsfield Massachusetts and Modesto California. And us women will not, cannot sit on a toilet in a public restroom. But we adapt.
4) Living in someone's house is not easy. You worry that you will upset or annoy them while they worry about your comfort and happiness. Your usual comforts are hard to come by because you want to be seen and not heard. But if you want them enough (to read or to sleep in) you will get them. I just had to learn that if someone has such a huge heart to even allow all 4 of us to stay, then they are not stressing out over the little things anyway..
5) If you feel uncomfortable around people you don't know (and I've been around HUNDREDS of them lately...more than I've been around in years) just smile. People understand that you are not in a normal situation. Many will come up and make conversation with you. People are good.
6) Pit bull dogs are NOT bad automatically. I've never been around too many but the ones I've met (there are 3 here) just want to trust and love just like a human. While one of them STILL growls whenever I leave my room, I have learned to just let her know I am not scared and do what I set out to.
7) I really have some amazing, loving and supportive friends on face book and in my daily life. I've posted some real detailed and "poor me" posts in my time and always put a link to this blog and I find that people actually care about what I write. It helps me and hopefully it shows others that we all have problems, opinions and fears but having them is not what makes it interesting in life...Its being understanding of others.
8) Jesse, my wonderful and loving fiance, is really good at helping me break out of this anxiety. He doesn't enable me by doing for me but is comforting about pushing me to do things when he sees a chance. He knows not to push too hard but also not to just do everything. That is important to fighting this anxiety.
9) I am a neat freak who tries to control everything from the placement of my coffee, snacks and books in the car to how many times I dust a week or clean a day. But driving cross country and living in someone's house has taught me that life is still going to go on as wild as it will be no matter how much I try to control it with lists, cleaning and organizing. Its okay to do these things I like to do but if I am going to continue to do my lists and organizing, I have to do it with the knowledge that I have little to no control over things in the world that may happen. People will die, get in accidents, have a bad day, make mistakes, forget the milk, and on and on. Making my lists will NOT make me perfect at life and now I see that life is better and more fulfilling when its part adventure.
10) I want to travel more. Sure, we are settling down for now so the kids can go to school and we can make some money but when we retire I want to buy an rv and travel to the other states we haven't seen...And not all on the freeway either but instead going through small towns and big cities.
Most of all, I've learned that I, Stacy, am not perfect. I am not always going to be understood for the decisions I make or the way I live but who gives a crap? I need to live for me, Jesse and the kids and be true to my heart. If I do what everyone else thinks is best than I'd be a puppet who will go crazy from the constant opinions and judgment. There will always be friends and family who I will care about their opinion but I should not feel like a bad person for having a different opinion. I am not cured of my need for validation, not by a long shot. But I am on my way, further from the place I called home and closer to myself through the miles I've gone.
Life is great and I am lucky to have this body, this mind and my faults.
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