~Love Me Please~
For so long I have been confused about Love. Confused and misled. I believe that I have found real love and with it happiness but as long as I have a huge, gaping hole in my heart and I lack self assurance, I will never be truly happy. I need to find contentment within so I can truly share it with the man i love. To begin down this road I try to figure out what happened to me, why it is that I cannot look into the mirror without cringing. I want to know the "why" so I can fix it finally. So I can finally be free of the emptiness and self-loathing, I need to find my beauty.
As a kid I watched my Mom and Dad and the way they were together. Dad adored Mom. He spoiled her with jewelry and flowers,cards and physical attention. He worried about her, took special care to be sure she never had to lift this or deal with that. It was sweet. Dad treated my Mom as if she were his angel and goddess. There is nothing wrong with that,right? No, of course not. It made me want that kind of love too. Yet when they disagreed it was so different. Once Mom started working and was no longer that woman at his beckon call he seemed to become withdrawn, depressed and began to spend more and more time in bed and away from us 3 kids. He was angry, hurt and felt betrayed I imagined...I learned early on that if you wanted attention from your loved one you should either ignore them or act like a hurt and spoiled child. I also learned that if your loved one works or does anything away from you that it's them choosing work over you. Funny how one parents emotional imbalance can affect the way their child thinks. I find myself fighting the same emotions Dad felt. Other times I feel myself arguing the other side,trying to convince my loved one that my desire to do something else doesn't take away the love I have for them. Once again, my mind knows better but my heart cannot distinguish between reality and feelings sometimes.
On top of that I was looking at the world through cracked lenses. Think about this...Here I was a 7-year old girl,unaware of my own body or what sex even was, and this older man was ignoring his own wife to pay attention to me. How confusing was that? For me personally I learned that I would lose my love to at least one of three possibilities...The first one is that I learned incorrectly that spending your life with another person and getting older with them DOES NOT mean that your love for each other will grow with time. I dread the idea but believe completely that I will get old, boring and the man I am with will leave me or at least cheat on me with a younger and newer person. Second, If you get older or stop being sexy and he is still there somehow, I will then lose him if I have a mind of my own. I believe that I need to stay sexy, be easy for him and let him control me fully or else he will go find someone else. Even a woman who has had a man's children and has shared years with him will be cast aside for a younger and newer version in order for him to be happy... The idea was put in mind over many years with the acts of sexual abuse by a man who was both a husband and grandfather but also by watching my Dad lose interest in my mother as she became her own strong person. Third...Love doesn't last.No way no how. Period.
So here I am. Married 15 years. Getting older and feeling that my own time is up. Also realizing that the man I've married has never been one to show much attention so it can only get worse from here it seems.He is not into reading my poetry or my blog... To me, if he can't or won't try to read what I have to say and what is in my soul its as if he is denying my very heart. How would any person feel if their passion was denied?? I know for me it makes me feel like he doesn't respect or care for me. I know for me I've always wanted to know everything that goes on in his mind and what makes him who he is. Still, there is only so much a person can take before they pull back and start to close their hearts and hope off to the person they are being denied by.
I am broken.Period. I have been affected by things that happened in my childhood.When someone tells me not to dwell on the past I have to laugh. Its is NOT that I am sitting here even thinking about the past(unless I specifically want to recall it for something like this). My past has made a place inside of me as well as shaped who I am,good and bad... Talking to my therapist I realized that there are (at least) two sides to me. One side is the smart me who can acknowledge my feelings but will try to make sense of them and let the light of reality shine on them so I don't let them take me on a ride.That side is careful,thoughtful and slow to act. It is the side of me I should rely on more but have yet to trust.
The other part of me is bigger, stronger and controls my actions. It is the part of me that feels. When a situation arises where I need to stand back and believe the positive possibility over the negative one, I somehow let the negative take over almost every time. I have pushed more people away than I can count all because I was so afraid to be hurt. I guess my heart reasons that its better to lose someone to me pushing them away rather than to that person not liking me... I hate hate hate to feel vulnerable or less loved in a situation... Yet I also know that there is nothing wrong with loving someone more than they love me.Yet when the vulnerability sets in coupled with the negative feelings inside I begin to push away the very person I am fighting for... Yes, its an awful war in me between my head and heart...My head knows better than to let my heart be part of anything because I will start a messy war that no one will win...I am learning when I get overwhelmed with these feelings that I need to just get up and go do something else all together...It will get easier over time.
I lose many friends over my self doubt...I lose them to my own hate for myself. IF I were more self-confident and caring toward myself I would not sit here and let time and negativity eat at me like I do. What I put myself through when I worry about a friends reaction or lack of attention is so unhealthy for my body and heart as well as for my self esteem. I am lucky to have a few friends who hold on no matter how hard I push them away. I will cherish any friend who stands with me and helps me fight my demons. Still, if no one wants me and no one can deal with the mess that I am its their loss. At least that is what I know I should say! I know that no matter how crazy I get in the few instances I also have a lot of good things to offer. I am working with a therapist and also through my own writing to find a way to love myself. Its as if when I was molested and later raped I responded by doing what everyone else around me did--I abandoned myself.Because I was broken,feeling ugly, used and useless, I took one look at myself and walked away....Let's face it,the most important people in my life abandoned me when I needed them the most. Why wouldn't I also?
Its time to work on finding away to love myself. As corny as that sounds its so very true. I cannot truly and fully give all my love to someone unless I respect and love myself. Yes, I know. Its an old saying but its very wise too. Its almost like If I were offering a friend a gift where the wrapping looked good but on the inside the gift was broken.I would never give something like that to someone.I would only give them the best I could offer...So,if I am a gift (and I know I need to believe that in fact I am), then I should not be offering myself to someone as broken as I am, without being sure my heart and self-esteem is as good as I can make it.... I need to find a way to accept who I am and what I have to offer so that I can in turn offer it to my love...And offer myself with some pride and happiness. The man that I love deserves the best "me". Yet more than that, I do.
Stacy J Roosa
4/17/2012
As a kid I watched my Mom and Dad and the way they were together. Dad adored Mom. He spoiled her with jewelry and flowers,cards and physical attention. He worried about her, took special care to be sure she never had to lift this or deal with that. It was sweet. Dad treated my Mom as if she were his angel and goddess. There is nothing wrong with that,right? No, of course not. It made me want that kind of love too. Yet when they disagreed it was so different. Once Mom started working and was no longer that woman at his beckon call he seemed to become withdrawn, depressed and began to spend more and more time in bed and away from us 3 kids. He was angry, hurt and felt betrayed I imagined...I learned early on that if you wanted attention from your loved one you should either ignore them or act like a hurt and spoiled child. I also learned that if your loved one works or does anything away from you that it's them choosing work over you. Funny how one parents emotional imbalance can affect the way their child thinks. I find myself fighting the same emotions Dad felt. Other times I feel myself arguing the other side,trying to convince my loved one that my desire to do something else doesn't take away the love I have for them. Once again, my mind knows better but my heart cannot distinguish between reality and feelings sometimes.
On top of that I was looking at the world through cracked lenses. Think about this...Here I was a 7-year old girl,unaware of my own body or what sex even was, and this older man was ignoring his own wife to pay attention to me. How confusing was that? For me personally I learned that I would lose my love to at least one of three possibilities...The first one is that I learned incorrectly that spending your life with another person and getting older with them DOES NOT mean that your love for each other will grow with time. I dread the idea but believe completely that I will get old, boring and the man I am with will leave me or at least cheat on me with a younger and newer person. Second, If you get older or stop being sexy and he is still there somehow, I will then lose him if I have a mind of my own. I believe that I need to stay sexy, be easy for him and let him control me fully or else he will go find someone else. Even a woman who has had a man's children and has shared years with him will be cast aside for a younger and newer version in order for him to be happy... The idea was put in mind over many years with the acts of sexual abuse by a man who was both a husband and grandfather but also by watching my Dad lose interest in my mother as she became her own strong person. Third...Love doesn't last.No way no how. Period.
So here I am. Married 15 years. Getting older and feeling that my own time is up. Also realizing that the man I've married has never been one to show much attention so it can only get worse from here it seems.He is not into reading my poetry or my blog... To me, if he can't or won't try to read what I have to say and what is in my soul its as if he is denying my very heart. How would any person feel if their passion was denied?? I know for me it makes me feel like he doesn't respect or care for me. I know for me I've always wanted to know everything that goes on in his mind and what makes him who he is. Still, there is only so much a person can take before they pull back and start to close their hearts and hope off to the person they are being denied by.
I am broken.Period. I have been affected by things that happened in my childhood.When someone tells me not to dwell on the past I have to laugh. Its is NOT that I am sitting here even thinking about the past(unless I specifically want to recall it for something like this). My past has made a place inside of me as well as shaped who I am,good and bad... Talking to my therapist I realized that there are (at least) two sides to me. One side is the smart me who can acknowledge my feelings but will try to make sense of them and let the light of reality shine on them so I don't let them take me on a ride.That side is careful,thoughtful and slow to act. It is the side of me I should rely on more but have yet to trust.
The other part of me is bigger, stronger and controls my actions. It is the part of me that feels. When a situation arises where I need to stand back and believe the positive possibility over the negative one, I somehow let the negative take over almost every time. I have pushed more people away than I can count all because I was so afraid to be hurt. I guess my heart reasons that its better to lose someone to me pushing them away rather than to that person not liking me... I hate hate hate to feel vulnerable or less loved in a situation... Yet I also know that there is nothing wrong with loving someone more than they love me.Yet when the vulnerability sets in coupled with the negative feelings inside I begin to push away the very person I am fighting for... Yes, its an awful war in me between my head and heart...My head knows better than to let my heart be part of anything because I will start a messy war that no one will win...I am learning when I get overwhelmed with these feelings that I need to just get up and go do something else all together...It will get easier over time.
I lose many friends over my self doubt...I lose them to my own hate for myself. IF I were more self-confident and caring toward myself I would not sit here and let time and negativity eat at me like I do. What I put myself through when I worry about a friends reaction or lack of attention is so unhealthy for my body and heart as well as for my self esteem. I am lucky to have a few friends who hold on no matter how hard I push them away. I will cherish any friend who stands with me and helps me fight my demons. Still, if no one wants me and no one can deal with the mess that I am its their loss. At least that is what I know I should say! I know that no matter how crazy I get in the few instances I also have a lot of good things to offer. I am working with a therapist and also through my own writing to find a way to love myself. Its as if when I was molested and later raped I responded by doing what everyone else around me did--I abandoned myself.Because I was broken,feeling ugly, used and useless, I took one look at myself and walked away....Let's face it,the most important people in my life abandoned me when I needed them the most. Why wouldn't I also?
Its time to work on finding away to love myself. As corny as that sounds its so very true. I cannot truly and fully give all my love to someone unless I respect and love myself. Yes, I know. Its an old saying but its very wise too. Its almost like If I were offering a friend a gift where the wrapping looked good but on the inside the gift was broken.I would never give something like that to someone.I would only give them the best I could offer...So,if I am a gift (and I know I need to believe that in fact I am), then I should not be offering myself to someone as broken as I am, without being sure my heart and self-esteem is as good as I can make it.... I need to find a way to accept who I am and what I have to offer so that I can in turn offer it to my love...And offer myself with some pride and happiness. The man that I love deserves the best "me". Yet more than that, I do.
Stacy J Roosa
4/17/2012
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