Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

Its come to my attention that life is a joke....Or, at least, it should be taken as one. I am a perfectionist. I worry about things I cannot control and I worry about worrying. If there is something going on, be it a meeting for the kids, a doctors appointment next week or a bill due, I am going to put all my thought energy into thinking, rethinking and overthinking a possible negative outcome. Lately its gotten so bad that I cannot sleep, eat anything more than a snack or enjoy my life when it is going well. So worried about what might happen, I can't relish the moments that aren't going badly. So I decided last night that enough is enough! I am going to stop letting the "what if" scenarios of my days halt my life. There will be a tomorrow, the day will come and go and maybe come again and there may be really bad days in my future but I certainly cannot make them disappear or go smoother by stressing out about them all the moments and days before and until they c...

I watched that movie,"Whats Your Number" last night which got me to thinking, is there an ex I would ever consider going back to if I were single again? Even if I were to find that they had changed for the better? The answer is so easy its almost sad. NO. Even if one of them were rich, running for a senate seat or well-known, I wouldn't consider even one of them. What needs to change about them isn't their bank accounts or their friends. Its everything that is moral, ethical and is ingrained in the person they are...Or better, who they are not.  I have known each of them since our relationships demise and it doesn't get better but maybe even gets worse.  The last one is a definite no. I am reminded every single day how much going through this divorce is for the best.  I will be relieved and so happy when its over.  Yet until the kids are old enough not to be under one or both of our roofs, it will stay being complicated. I think once in awhile that the...

Not too long ago when I was working my first job since becoming a mother, I had the opportunity to meet so many different kind of people. At first to spite my trepidation, I was thrilled. My job was full of adults instead of the house where I had been for over 10 years with my two kids and everything kid oriented. That was when I realized that being adult-aged didn't make people anymore mature than my 9 and 7 year old. I had no reason to think it wouldn't go well. After all, I was and always had been a very conscientious, hard-working person no matter what job I was working at and, one of my flaws as well as my good qualities, I was very easy going and great to get along with. It wasn't difficult to get hired. I was certainly not going to argue about my salary. I was just happy after years of being bound to my home to have a boss who understood that I had children. She seemed to realize that I had no one but myself to take care of them. My co-workers also seemed to be swee...

Just a Touch Through the night as  I lay in and out of sleep, more out than in, I feel your chest rise and fall against my back. When you are finally ready for deep sleep you roll over so that your back is to me. Your breathing is in rhythm with the house. You hardly move and your sleep is unbroken accept at times its like you half wake and search for me- Without opening your eyes or even moving your body, You reach our your hand and feel around for me. Then when you find my hand or my leg, your body finally relaxes and then its like you let out a sigh of relief and fall back into that place where you were sleeping before. And I feel it everytime you do it whether its once, twice or several times in the same night, whether I am asleep or awake. I love that you need me like that. I hope you never stop. 10/10/2011 I have been loved and I have loved but always it seems the love I give is so much more than the love any man before has shared. I've known...

I am so pissed right now that I don't know what to do. I cannot believe the actions or rather in actions of my family and others. It escapes me how the hell my own father could marry his girlfriend without telling anyone. Not me or my sister or even his own sisters.  That coupled with what is going on with my soon to be ex husband....All that keeps going through my mind is that I have absolutely NO control over my loved ones. I can see a train coming at my own father and kids and there is not a damn thing I can do about it because the people who should be listening either won't or can't. My opinion of my father's girlfriend-or rather wife- have no bearing on my being upset right now.  I don't know her well enough to form an opinion.  She has surprised me in the past few months with her seemingly caring way with my ailing father yet all I hear from both of them from day one is how much they fight. Tonight I come on face book to find that he has changed his status f...

 Now that I am divorcing my husband my life is more of a mess than it was when we were together. Hard to understand, I know but I never imagined he would go from our home into another with no stop in between and no care for the affect it has on our kids.  He argues about who gets what piece of furniture, who will pay what bill and who the kids will be with and when.  Honestly, I want to be fair to him on all fronts. I don't want him to walk out with less than me or feel like he has been taken advantage of but he doesn't seem to have the same feelings. Its like he can't wait to screw me hard to the wall. The fact is that K and I never argued a whole lot in the 13 years we were married. We didn't not argue either.  We just kinda existed day to day, he working two jobs and giving all his extra time to volunteer at the fire department and I was trying to be a good Mom, fight my depression and find my way.  A Mom who worked sporadically depending on whether or not K...

Reading my poem from not too long ago. So thankful I am in a better place. ~This Is Hell~ I am standing on the ledge of such pain, such misery.... I can neither pull away or jump in but can only teeter there like a fool. Then when I think it can't get any worse I am suddenly staring at a dark, ugly shape that is my heart's enemy, it comes at me... So mean, so big- It wraps its strong,fat arms around my body in a bone-crushing hug... Please, let go, I beg....I can't breathe. I can't inhale or exhale. All I can do is let the pain envelop and mold my body to its body. And my air supply is being sucked out of my lungs by its greedy mouth. My ribs are breaking, sticking into my heart as they splinter under the pressure... Then like a kiss the pain presses my lips... Its a kiss of poison. It tastes spoiled and rotten,like hatred I would guess... ...Or maybe like misery. Then comes the rain as the sky becomes crowded with black clouds. Big, we...

I have no internet except when I go visit a friend or family member but that is no reason to go silent on my blog. So very much is going on right now. The important people in my life have not left my side even for a moment so its important to me that I don't abandon anyone who may be reading. I have been living alone in the house for a few months now. After Jesse left to go home I fell into one of the deepest, darkest depressions I've ever felt. It was scary the way I was feeling. More frightening than what I was feeling was what I wasn't—I didn't have the will to live. I felt like without Jesse by my side and without my kids with me like they used to be, what am I?   Being evicted from the house, having my electricity always on the edge of being turned off, having no telephone or internet, no food, no money for gas and, for a bit, the car was almost gone too---How could I fight when the hole I was in was just getting deeper by the day? I didn't know what to do, ...

~To all the people who have spent their time trying to convince me that Jesse doesn't love me, I have a lot to say. Its not that you deserve to read it or that I feel that I should waste my time saying it to you but for Jesse because he needs to know I love him and don't doubt him-and never will again- I am saying it. ~ I met Jesse at the most screwed up and emotional time in my life. He became my friend just as I was finally seeing the truth about my 14-year marriage. It wasn't the first time I saw the writing on the wall but it was the beginning of me reacting to it.  As a new friend Jesse sat listening to me go on and on about my problems. When I wasn't talking to him through messages on face book or Instant messaging him on MSN, he was taking the time to read my blog or my poetry.  Honestly, for the first few months of our friendship I was not a very good friend back to him.  I would often put him last after other on line acquaintances because I didn't see him,...

I have tried to hide my feelings regarding my separation from my husband so much that I've forgotten that part of moving on is the ability to bury and also grieve for its end. It is a death, a loss, a very sad and heart-breaking change in my life. Even though I know that its the best for me and my life, my husband was in my life for almost  two decades. Even my very understanding and wonderful boyfriend has told me that I need to deal with all this. He has welcomed my pain and my tears but I was too foolish to let it out and finally set it free more because I didn't want to believe the pain existed...Yet, who could expect themselves to move on into a new world, happy and free of the pain of the past if they never said goodbye to it, never put it to rest? This is no different. Its time to grieve and to cry for this death. So, here goes.All the turmoil, hurt, questions and all else... My letter to my soon to be Ex-husband~ 14 years ago I stood before you and said I loved yo...

I've made an important decision~One that has been staring me in the face, waiting for me to deal with it. It won't be easy,of course, as change is difficult, but it will free me finally from heartache and worry.  It was over before I came to terms with it and yet knowing that doesn't make it any easier.  In the end I believe it will be best for those involved.  Now to just take the next step....(No matter how much it hurts and scares me.)

~As I lay down to sleep tonight I will pray to God as I have done every night since the state of my life became upset and scrambled by my need for true happiness. I will ask God to keep my children, family and friends safe but also for courage. I will close my eyes and try to block out the fear that is at times choking me. I will try to imagine strong, loving and protective arms around my body while I listen intently for any sound of a stranger trying to break in. And as I fall to sleep with all the mixed feelings of doubt, love and worry, and my stomach aches from the stress, I will hope that I wake up in a mood that is anything but hopeless. I realize as I lay in the darkness paralyzed by the silence that this new and lonely life is exactly a version of what I asked for...My husband is gone and I am free to pursue an independent and happy life. As I drift off to sleep I will see the faces of my Bailey and Tessa in my mind and the big question mark that is my tomorrow. Will I be happy...

Blind and lost, battered and beaten from my inside out, I reach out  hopelessly one last time into the dark open spaces of the world. My own life lay in pieces at my bare feet like broken and splintered glass~ All the Love I gave to that man he's returned to me with only tears and pain. The time I spent fighting for that love has left me with only scars and wrinkles, all threatening now to take my very life. I dare not move or I'll risk cutting open my own skin, my heart and my life. Yet as I grasp the dark empty night for someone, anyone, I close my own hand on another that is soft and warm. Do I hold on? I worry that its only another man intent on hurting me. Just as I decide to pull my hand back It pulls me free of the broken world I know. I feel it guide me gently and so carefully toward the sunshine. I don't dare open my eyes because I fear the burn of the sun and what I might find. For the first time in so long I feel lush soft grass under my achi...

My face book Status for today : Stacy J. Roosa Have you ever loved another person so much, given them every ounce of yourself  and poured your heart and soul into everything you did for them only to wonder if they love you back even half as much? We can't measure Love as we each have our own way of showing it.  Also true love isn't suppose to expect Love back. Still, my heart cannot love anymore than is does right now. And if I fall I am going down hard. Yet if it all goes well, I know I am going to be the happiest, most loved woman in the world.   What else can I say? Its been a tough couple of days since my baby left and went home...My life is all about finding a place to live, a dollar to buy gas or food and about keeping my kids happy. Everything in my heart is on its toes waiting to see if we both will fight to get me there across the country to finally be together. I am so scared...Sometimes I want to sign off of my face book, my blog and my relationship wit...

~So, here I am....I have separated from my husband of 14 years. I am living in the home we rented together juggling to pay for bills I cannot afford with no job and no income whatsoever. The landlord has asked me to leave by early next week because of money both my ex to be and I owe. I have just saved myself from darkness by minutes thanks to Kevin paying for his half of the past due electricity bill but soon I will probably lose my satellite and telephone/internet. I literally have about $100 dollars to my name. I have started applying for jobs everywhere I go, pass or think of...I am not picky....Convenience store, coffee shop--I am not too proud to work anywhere because money is money. ~Of course I would make double the income if I were to return to a job working with people with addictions but I don't know if I am in a steady enough place to be offering myself up to running a program again. They would need to page/text me when problems arise, I would be on call 24/7 and need...