~If You Only Knew!~
~To all the people who have spent their time trying to convince me that Jesse doesn't love me, I have a lot to say. Its not that you deserve to read it or that I feel that I should waste my time saying it to you but for Jesse because he needs to know I love him and don't doubt him-and never will again- I am saying it.
~ I met Jesse at the most screwed up and emotional time in my life. He became my friend just as I was finally seeing the truth about my 14-year marriage. It wasn't the first time I saw the writing on the wall but it was the beginning of me reacting to it. As a new friend Jesse sat listening to me go on and on about my problems. When I wasn't talking to him through messages on face book or Instant messaging him on MSN, he was taking the time to read my blog or my poetry. Honestly, for the first few months of our friendship I was not a very good friend back to him. I would often put him last after other on line acquaintances because I didn't see him, I mean really see him, and his beautiful soul. When I did it was so easy to fall for him, it was like breathing, because without him I felt I couldn't breathe. I believe that it is because of that love and understanding he had that I realized that I could finally find the strength to move on from my doomed marriage.
~Suddenly this man who I had been putting off and not making a priority out of became the only man I wanted to talk to. Wise beyond his years, Jesse has a way of seeing things without emotion at first but then has the ability also to add in the emotion where warranted. He is honest about his past and has such genuine love and appreciation for the woman that was his wife before she died that he often tells me that he is the man he is today only because of her. He is funny. He is the only person other than my kids who can make me smile and laugh in an instant even after all I've done all day is cry and feel hopeless. He is not perfect- He loves every sport and has a habit of watching a game out of the corner of his eye while playing farm ville and having a serious conversation with me, but that also has to be counted as a pro also because he has the ability to do all those things and still hear me almost word for word. Jesse is giving, driven, patient and sweet... And he is in love with me which we can count as one of his imperfections but I thank God every single day for whatever is wrong with him that has made him fall in love with me.
~And you have to know that falling in love with me at any other time in my life might be hard enough, yet Jesse fell for me at the worst, most challenging and emotional time. I am dealing with a divorce to a man, as you may know, who is very sweet and outgoing and giving on the outside to all who knows him but has become ignorant to the fact that I still exist or that he has to pay half our debt and who has no ability to pull from his heart the compassion for me that he once had (or faked having). It doesn't seem to matter that I am the mother of his children or that he was the major reason behind my not working while we were married...A small detail that now affects me because suddenly I am expected to become fluent in how to become a full time employee, part time mother and the first person in the world who can pull money out of her own A**. Yes, after 17 years of him stopping, halting, delaying and even controlling me from working, I am supposed to have a job that can afford all the bills that he and I couldn't afford when we were together.
~Anyway, its the old divorce story and I am sick of telling it. More than that, I am sick and tired of sharing my pain over it with the man I would rather spend my time doing anything else with... Things like looking into his eyes and showing him only the sweet and loving side of me devoid of resentment and fear. That is why people warn other people not to get involved with anyone while they are going through a divorce- A person can not and does not act like themselves when they are dealing with such insecurities and loss. Suddenly they are fearful, worried, angry,spiteful and, to say the least, distrusting of all potential romantic interests... Its the time to put on your old pajamas, eat ice cream, and feel all those emotions exploding inside. Its also time to turn to friends. But for me that is not possible right now. Because of the people I have met lately who cannot be trusted to speak from a sincere place, its only Jesse that I can trust to share my most deepest and painful emotions. No matter who I open up to it seems they have nothing to say about my ex but have lots of warnings regarding Jesse.
~ I was lucky enough to have met Jesse at just the right (and wrong) time. Because of him I found the strength to leave a man who I had unsuccessfully tried to leave a dozen times before. Because of Jesse I was for once feeling that I was worth something and that I had the right to feel and give love- I felt that I could stand on my own and that I could still have my own identity while being one part of a couple. Jesse wanted me to find my own voice, to learn to say no- Even if I was saying it against him someday, he taught me that my opinion counted... One thing he made clear though as we fell in love, he did not want to be the cause for my marriage ending. If I was to leave my husband it would be because it was what I wanted before and even without Jesse. That was not an issue for me because I had known for years that my husband and I no longer were able to find away through our problems. Our connection had broken. I had made peace with that in many ways. The only thing that came as a surprise to me was how quickly my husband moved on. That issue would take me some time to deal with and maybe will always make me wonder if he ever loved me at all. Yet having Jesse as a friend saw me through the demise of my marriage. He gave me hope that there was real love and respect for me in my future. I knew so quickly that it was Jesse that would make me feel loved, special, attractive and worthy.
~So, when one of my "friends" questions Jesse's love for me, or comment that he doesn't love me because of this reason or that, I have this to say---I have shown this man the most hopeless, sad, depressed, angry, needy, dependent, at times disconnected, standoffish and, well, lets face it, emotionally screwed up side of me over the past year. I have cried, screamed, laughed, cried some more, pushed him away, pulled him back, been angry at him for something my ex did, and at other times, put Jesse on such a pedastill that I've made him uneasy... Through all the tears and runny noses and no matter how many times I've questioned his love for me, Jesse has found,somehow, the real Stacy. He says I am beautiful, that I am sweet and that I'm talented. He never ever misses a day of talking with me on line, through texts or on the phone or all three. Sometimes we talk for 12 hours a day, sometimes for 12 minutes, but I never feel at the end of our talk that I am anything but the most loved woman in the world. While I realize that some of my friends are simply worried about me and want me to be happy, I also see that the people who really knock Jesse are the men who I have naively trusted, who only want me for reasons that are not healthy or loving. I realize that almost none of them came into my life because of love or out of respect for me, and they want me to see only bad in Jesse so maybe I will see them as some kind of saviors. Honestly, if these men knew that they were treating me with love and care they would not feel the need to put Jesse down. They would want my happiness no matter who brought it out in me. I may have a naive need to believe that all people are good with good intentions, but I have quickly seen my way through that falsehood. No one who cares about me will put down the man I love no matter how much I look for advice or want an opinion. A friend doesn't want to cause me hurt- Even if its possibly through uncovering the truth that another person is bad for me, no one who cares would take pleasure in showing another's bad intentions - Not the way my "friends" have -with their own agenda hidden in their oh-so-"innocent" suggestive (*Wink wink*) words which are done with the intention of leading me to believe Jesse doesn't truly love me. Even if a friend knows for sure that I were being used, its not with an "I told you so" attitude or for the reason to hurt me in order to gain a place in my heart...Especially since they have no intention of caring for my heart. .A real friend will answer truthfully without meaning to be hurtful but not hurtful without being truthful. My only mistake was asking for advice from people I believed were my caring and concerned friends. In the past week alone I have met and dealt with so many people who don't mean well, who intend to steal from and use me. I can tell the difference between a person who loves me for me and a jerk who loves me for what I can give him. I have looked into Jesse's eyes and without words I know that he only wants to love and care for me. And more than that he wants me to be happy, even if that means we have to be apart for that to happen. That is love.. Why would I ever want to be with someone who could so easily cause me pain so that they can benefit??
~It would be so easy to turn my back on all people at this point. It would be too difficult to know who were the good guys and who are the bad so I would have to build a fortress around my heart and let NO ONE in, not even Jesse. I've been hurt and too many people have tried to use my emotional rollercoaster ride against me. Yet it is to spite those jerks that I will NOT stop reaching out to humanity. I will not let them win. I've learned that I can put myself out there again and allow myself the hope that not all people I will meet will attempt to use me but I will do it with a few changes to my own thinking. I won't allow anyone any control over what I feel or know about Jesse or any person I love. Why would I allow anyone that benefit anymore than I would give them the power to change my love for my own children? I have been a fool for too long believing that all people mean well and go into a problem or conversation without their own agenda. Its better to meet another 100 jerks than to lose one very wonderful, loving and sweet man. And if by some chance Jesse breaks my heart, I will learn somehow to deal with it without letting it taint my view on all men. If my ex didn't cause my heart to close and lock tightly and me to give up completely, why would anyone else make it happen? At the end of the day no matter what happens tomorrow I have been blessed to love and to be loved by the most loving, giving and gorgeous soul I've known...No one and nothing can change that. Not as long as I don't allow it.
~ I met Jesse at the most screwed up and emotional time in my life. He became my friend just as I was finally seeing the truth about my 14-year marriage. It wasn't the first time I saw the writing on the wall but it was the beginning of me reacting to it. As a new friend Jesse sat listening to me go on and on about my problems. When I wasn't talking to him through messages on face book or Instant messaging him on MSN, he was taking the time to read my blog or my poetry. Honestly, for the first few months of our friendship I was not a very good friend back to him. I would often put him last after other on line acquaintances because I didn't see him, I mean really see him, and his beautiful soul. When I did it was so easy to fall for him, it was like breathing, because without him I felt I couldn't breathe. I believe that it is because of that love and understanding he had that I realized that I could finally find the strength to move on from my doomed marriage.
~Suddenly this man who I had been putting off and not making a priority out of became the only man I wanted to talk to. Wise beyond his years, Jesse has a way of seeing things without emotion at first but then has the ability also to add in the emotion where warranted. He is honest about his past and has such genuine love and appreciation for the woman that was his wife before she died that he often tells me that he is the man he is today only because of her. He is funny. He is the only person other than my kids who can make me smile and laugh in an instant even after all I've done all day is cry and feel hopeless. He is not perfect- He loves every sport and has a habit of watching a game out of the corner of his eye while playing farm ville and having a serious conversation with me, but that also has to be counted as a pro also because he has the ability to do all those things and still hear me almost word for word. Jesse is giving, driven, patient and sweet... And he is in love with me which we can count as one of his imperfections but I thank God every single day for whatever is wrong with him that has made him fall in love with me.
~And you have to know that falling in love with me at any other time in my life might be hard enough, yet Jesse fell for me at the worst, most challenging and emotional time. I am dealing with a divorce to a man, as you may know, who is very sweet and outgoing and giving on the outside to all who knows him but has become ignorant to the fact that I still exist or that he has to pay half our debt and who has no ability to pull from his heart the compassion for me that he once had (or faked having). It doesn't seem to matter that I am the mother of his children or that he was the major reason behind my not working while we were married...A small detail that now affects me because suddenly I am expected to become fluent in how to become a full time employee, part time mother and the first person in the world who can pull money out of her own A**. Yes, after 17 years of him stopping, halting, delaying and even controlling me from working, I am supposed to have a job that can afford all the bills that he and I couldn't afford when we were together.
~Anyway, its the old divorce story and I am sick of telling it. More than that, I am sick and tired of sharing my pain over it with the man I would rather spend my time doing anything else with... Things like looking into his eyes and showing him only the sweet and loving side of me devoid of resentment and fear. That is why people warn other people not to get involved with anyone while they are going through a divorce- A person can not and does not act like themselves when they are dealing with such insecurities and loss. Suddenly they are fearful, worried, angry,spiteful and, to say the least, distrusting of all potential romantic interests... Its the time to put on your old pajamas, eat ice cream, and feel all those emotions exploding inside. Its also time to turn to friends. But for me that is not possible right now. Because of the people I have met lately who cannot be trusted to speak from a sincere place, its only Jesse that I can trust to share my most deepest and painful emotions. No matter who I open up to it seems they have nothing to say about my ex but have lots of warnings regarding Jesse.
~ I was lucky enough to have met Jesse at just the right (and wrong) time. Because of him I found the strength to leave a man who I had unsuccessfully tried to leave a dozen times before. Because of Jesse I was for once feeling that I was worth something and that I had the right to feel and give love- I felt that I could stand on my own and that I could still have my own identity while being one part of a couple. Jesse wanted me to find my own voice, to learn to say no- Even if I was saying it against him someday, he taught me that my opinion counted... One thing he made clear though as we fell in love, he did not want to be the cause for my marriage ending. If I was to leave my husband it would be because it was what I wanted before and even without Jesse. That was not an issue for me because I had known for years that my husband and I no longer were able to find away through our problems. Our connection had broken. I had made peace with that in many ways. The only thing that came as a surprise to me was how quickly my husband moved on. That issue would take me some time to deal with and maybe will always make me wonder if he ever loved me at all. Yet having Jesse as a friend saw me through the demise of my marriage. He gave me hope that there was real love and respect for me in my future. I knew so quickly that it was Jesse that would make me feel loved, special, attractive and worthy.
~So, when one of my "friends" questions Jesse's love for me, or comment that he doesn't love me because of this reason or that, I have this to say---I have shown this man the most hopeless, sad, depressed, angry, needy, dependent, at times disconnected, standoffish and, well, lets face it, emotionally screwed up side of me over the past year. I have cried, screamed, laughed, cried some more, pushed him away, pulled him back, been angry at him for something my ex did, and at other times, put Jesse on such a pedastill that I've made him uneasy... Through all the tears and runny noses and no matter how many times I've questioned his love for me, Jesse has found,somehow, the real Stacy. He says I am beautiful, that I am sweet and that I'm talented. He never ever misses a day of talking with me on line, through texts or on the phone or all three. Sometimes we talk for 12 hours a day, sometimes for 12 minutes, but I never feel at the end of our talk that I am anything but the most loved woman in the world. While I realize that some of my friends are simply worried about me and want me to be happy, I also see that the people who really knock Jesse are the men who I have naively trusted, who only want me for reasons that are not healthy or loving. I realize that almost none of them came into my life because of love or out of respect for me, and they want me to see only bad in Jesse so maybe I will see them as some kind of saviors. Honestly, if these men knew that they were treating me with love and care they would not feel the need to put Jesse down. They would want my happiness no matter who brought it out in me. I may have a naive need to believe that all people are good with good intentions, but I have quickly seen my way through that falsehood. No one who cares about me will put down the man I love no matter how much I look for advice or want an opinion. A friend doesn't want to cause me hurt- Even if its possibly through uncovering the truth that another person is bad for me, no one who cares would take pleasure in showing another's bad intentions - Not the way my "friends" have -with their own agenda hidden in their oh-so-"innocent" suggestive (*Wink wink*) words which are done with the intention of leading me to believe Jesse doesn't truly love me. Even if a friend knows for sure that I were being used, its not with an "I told you so" attitude or for the reason to hurt me in order to gain a place in my heart...Especially since they have no intention of caring for my heart. .A real friend will answer truthfully without meaning to be hurtful but not hurtful without being truthful. My only mistake was asking for advice from people I believed were my caring and concerned friends. In the past week alone I have met and dealt with so many people who don't mean well, who intend to steal from and use me. I can tell the difference between a person who loves me for me and a jerk who loves me for what I can give him. I have looked into Jesse's eyes and without words I know that he only wants to love and care for me. And more than that he wants me to be happy, even if that means we have to be apart for that to happen. That is love.. Why would I ever want to be with someone who could so easily cause me pain so that they can benefit??
~It would be so easy to turn my back on all people at this point. It would be too difficult to know who were the good guys and who are the bad so I would have to build a fortress around my heart and let NO ONE in, not even Jesse. I've been hurt and too many people have tried to use my emotional rollercoaster ride against me. Yet it is to spite those jerks that I will NOT stop reaching out to humanity. I will not let them win. I've learned that I can put myself out there again and allow myself the hope that not all people I will meet will attempt to use me but I will do it with a few changes to my own thinking. I won't allow anyone any control over what I feel or know about Jesse or any person I love. Why would I allow anyone that benefit anymore than I would give them the power to change my love for my own children? I have been a fool for too long believing that all people mean well and go into a problem or conversation without their own agenda. Its better to meet another 100 jerks than to lose one very wonderful, loving and sweet man. And if by some chance Jesse breaks my heart, I will learn somehow to deal with it without letting it taint my view on all men. If my ex didn't cause my heart to close and lock tightly and me to give up completely, why would anyone else make it happen? At the end of the day no matter what happens tomorrow I have been blessed to love and to be loved by the most loving, giving and gorgeous soul I've known...No one and nothing can change that. Not as long as I don't allow it.
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