~Reasons Not Excuses~
~So, here I am....I have separated from my husband of 14 years. I am living in the home we rented together juggling to pay for bills I cannot afford with no job and no income whatsoever. The landlord has asked me to leave by early next week because of money both my ex to be and I owe. I have just saved myself from darkness by minutes thanks to Kevin paying for his half of the past due electricity bill but soon I will probably lose my satellite and telephone/internet. I literally have about $100 dollars to my name. I have started applying for jobs everywhere I go, pass or think of...I am not picky....Convenience store, coffee shop--I am not too proud to work anywhere because money is money.
~Of course I would make double the income if I were to return to a job working with people with addictions but I don't know if I am in a steady enough place to be offering myself up to running a program again. They would need to page/text me when problems arise, I would be on call 24/7 and need transportation and even my vehicle payment is late. How did I get here? Why did I allow myself to become so dependent on a man for my very way of life and the very food I eat and clothes on my back??? Its not really tough to answer or hard to understand. But its really a reason that is sad...
~Love.Trust. Both of those things and the unrealistic word "forever". No matter who I am with in the future, I need to never give up my own identity or way of life...It all started a few decades ago when I met Kevin...I worked hard, had my own car,apartment and so on. Everything was great for me personally money-wise. Kevin and I got engaged and I got pregnant. While I was pregnant for my first child, my 14-year old son, I hurt my back badly while working. Suddenly I was out on workman's comp. Soon I realized that he would be born and I was in no position physically to return to work.Because I was pregnant the doctors were limited on which tests they could perform. I was not getting better with my belly growing. Then when he was born I became a wreck. Thanks to my hormones I worried constantly about him. I was freaked out that someone would break in and take him during the night or that if I walked out the door he would be stolen or killed. It was awful. I also had a condition that the doctors misdiagnosed as my gall bladder failing. They removed it only for me to have the pain in my stomach. I found out later it was a hiatal hernia. It was quite painful. It would last for anywhere from 5 minutes to a week that I would be paralyzed by pain. It felt like a heart attack, if I could imagine what one feels like and it wouldn't go away except if I made myself vomit. Soon even vomiting did nothing to alleviate the pain. With that and my back and the realization that day care would cost more than I would make at most jobs, my husband and I decided the best place for me was at home with my son. Two years later I had Tessa. I did go back to work part time at little places but would soon receive calls from my husband that he got called into work or was sick and I needed to come home. He always made at least double what I earned so it made no sense for me to work when he could. I soon gave all that up. My back didn't like any of it anyway and I preferred being home with the kids anyway.
~Then Kevin got laid off from his job. I quickly looked for a job because we were being foreclosed on for our home that we owned for over 10 years. It didn't work though as when the bank took it we really owed 2 payments.This was before the big fiasco where everyone was losing their homes and the President was offering programs to help. No one was willing to help us and the mortgage company added such fees to our mortgage that we couldn't pay it no matter what.Soon a late payment of $1500 dollars was up to over $8,000 because of all their lawyer and late fees. They wanted the house and they got it. I stayed working making minumum wage (I was happy for that at least because I hadn't worked in years and figured they were doing me a favor by hiring me.)
~Soon, as usual, I was doing everything at that job from being staff to doing all the office stuff to scheduling and running the program...I was making less than the new hirees coming in the door. No one could explain why I was making dollars less and to spite my threatening to leave if I didn't get even a 25 cent raise, they let me go....The boss was my hubby's best friend by the way and he knew how to use and abuse my good will. He really made me learn fast that just because someone is your friend and they are friendly, it doesn't mean they are nice or fair at work. Even though he had promised me he would give me a raise if I help show him the ropes there,(he was newer than me, I had to train him), he never gave me anything but a hard time. It was awful, When I left I was heartbroken because i really loved that job and the people I was working with.Oh and by the way, my husband and his best friend, my former boss, never had any problems with their friendship over the way he treated me or how it all went down. My husband was fine with all of it...
~I was unemployeed for a few months then I was offered a job running a program. The salary was at least double the last place and I was finally going to have not only the responsibility of overseeing the program but the actual title of it too. I worked there almost 6 months but my husband would call me a lot telling me he had a call to go on. (He was a volunteer on our local fire/emt department. He didn't get paid for it but it was for the people of our town.) I never had a problem with him going on the calls except that he was calling me home from work and expecting me to stay home so he could go to a call. Of course, I could leave the kids home alone as they were old enough supposedly but we never did it before so I wasn't ready to try and I didn't believe that the kids were ready either. Then Kevin decided after being on unemployment for so long to change his career path.Now he was going to drive truck across the country. My boss was giving me trouble over me being out of work the times I left (understandably), the job was not one I could just go home from at the end of the day as it was an on call thing and I was getting called almost every night. I was starting to feel such anxiety...something I had never known before. Then my Mom died. Soon I was in bed, nauseaus, shaking, unsure how to get up or how to breathe....It was awful. I was a mess. I was having a nervous breakdown.
~Not too long after I applied for disability. Thanks to my back and knee problems and my anxiety and depression, I was approved quickly. Then they asked me for my hubby's pay stubs...Well, because I didn't work enough hours over my lifetime I was only able to apply for supplemental disability. Getting disability at that point is all based on my husbands income. Long story short he made too much so I got nothing.
~Not ready to work but not getting any help I had no money of my own. Sure, I could have done the easy thing and stayed with Kevin...It certainly would have been much easier to pay my bills and not have to fear what I will do when I want to eat more than one meal a day...But I stayed with him too long after we were over...I was working on us and he saw that nothing was wrong. I was sad, lonely and depressed. I will not ever be with anyone purely because I want to be comfortable financially. But If I had it all to do over the only thing I would change is that I would have stayed working no matter how hard it was... I would not have changed the marriage because we have the 2 most wonderful kids and because I learned a lot about love and myself... Still, I could have been more careful and I should have been realized that Love never lasts. If I had I would have known to take care of myself. Now, I am applying for every job I can and scrounging for money....I am not picky at this point but I am scared. I am frightened of messing up but what do I have to lose? I have no choice but to try everything I can.I need money, I need to survive.
~So far my day is like this :I wake up in the morning in a depression. I sleep on the couch because the bed is too depressing. I don't want to even open my eyes and when I do I want to go back to sleep immediately to sleep away the pain I am feeling. But I don't, I force myself to run my errands and do the things I need to so I can get a few dollars.I've traded in all my own jewelry for very little cash. I am working on having a garage sale and also on selling other things I don't particularly need. I have plans for the future and with patience and hard work I hope I can do what I want and need to so I will be happy again. Although at this point I would settle for just not being so depressed. Honestly, I have thought about the easy way out for a few seconds but I know that I would be hurting my kids and my friends...No, this is not time to give in. Its time to fight. Knowing I have people on my side helps a little...But I know in the end I really only can depend on me....
July 11,2011
6pm
~Of course I would make double the income if I were to return to a job working with people with addictions but I don't know if I am in a steady enough place to be offering myself up to running a program again. They would need to page/text me when problems arise, I would be on call 24/7 and need transportation and even my vehicle payment is late. How did I get here? Why did I allow myself to become so dependent on a man for my very way of life and the very food I eat and clothes on my back??? Its not really tough to answer or hard to understand. But its really a reason that is sad...
~Love.Trust. Both of those things and the unrealistic word "forever". No matter who I am with in the future, I need to never give up my own identity or way of life...It all started a few decades ago when I met Kevin...I worked hard, had my own car,apartment and so on. Everything was great for me personally money-wise. Kevin and I got engaged and I got pregnant. While I was pregnant for my first child, my 14-year old son, I hurt my back badly while working. Suddenly I was out on workman's comp. Soon I realized that he would be born and I was in no position physically to return to work.Because I was pregnant the doctors were limited on which tests they could perform. I was not getting better with my belly growing. Then when he was born I became a wreck. Thanks to my hormones I worried constantly about him. I was freaked out that someone would break in and take him during the night or that if I walked out the door he would be stolen or killed. It was awful. I also had a condition that the doctors misdiagnosed as my gall bladder failing. They removed it only for me to have the pain in my stomach. I found out later it was a hiatal hernia. It was quite painful. It would last for anywhere from 5 minutes to a week that I would be paralyzed by pain. It felt like a heart attack, if I could imagine what one feels like and it wouldn't go away except if I made myself vomit. Soon even vomiting did nothing to alleviate the pain. With that and my back and the realization that day care would cost more than I would make at most jobs, my husband and I decided the best place for me was at home with my son. Two years later I had Tessa. I did go back to work part time at little places but would soon receive calls from my husband that he got called into work or was sick and I needed to come home. He always made at least double what I earned so it made no sense for me to work when he could. I soon gave all that up. My back didn't like any of it anyway and I preferred being home with the kids anyway.
~Then Kevin got laid off from his job. I quickly looked for a job because we were being foreclosed on for our home that we owned for over 10 years. It didn't work though as when the bank took it we really owed 2 payments.This was before the big fiasco where everyone was losing their homes and the President was offering programs to help. No one was willing to help us and the mortgage company added such fees to our mortgage that we couldn't pay it no matter what.Soon a late payment of $1500 dollars was up to over $8,000 because of all their lawyer and late fees. They wanted the house and they got it. I stayed working making minumum wage (I was happy for that at least because I hadn't worked in years and figured they were doing me a favor by hiring me.)
~Soon, as usual, I was doing everything at that job from being staff to doing all the office stuff to scheduling and running the program...I was making less than the new hirees coming in the door. No one could explain why I was making dollars less and to spite my threatening to leave if I didn't get even a 25 cent raise, they let me go....The boss was my hubby's best friend by the way and he knew how to use and abuse my good will. He really made me learn fast that just because someone is your friend and they are friendly, it doesn't mean they are nice or fair at work. Even though he had promised me he would give me a raise if I help show him the ropes there,(he was newer than me, I had to train him), he never gave me anything but a hard time. It was awful, When I left I was heartbroken because i really loved that job and the people I was working with.Oh and by the way, my husband and his best friend, my former boss, never had any problems with their friendship over the way he treated me or how it all went down. My husband was fine with all of it...
~I was unemployeed for a few months then I was offered a job running a program. The salary was at least double the last place and I was finally going to have not only the responsibility of overseeing the program but the actual title of it too. I worked there almost 6 months but my husband would call me a lot telling me he had a call to go on. (He was a volunteer on our local fire/emt department. He didn't get paid for it but it was for the people of our town.) I never had a problem with him going on the calls except that he was calling me home from work and expecting me to stay home so he could go to a call. Of course, I could leave the kids home alone as they were old enough supposedly but we never did it before so I wasn't ready to try and I didn't believe that the kids were ready either. Then Kevin decided after being on unemployment for so long to change his career path.Now he was going to drive truck across the country. My boss was giving me trouble over me being out of work the times I left (understandably), the job was not one I could just go home from at the end of the day as it was an on call thing and I was getting called almost every night. I was starting to feel such anxiety...something I had never known before. Then my Mom died. Soon I was in bed, nauseaus, shaking, unsure how to get up or how to breathe....It was awful. I was a mess. I was having a nervous breakdown.
~Not too long after I applied for disability. Thanks to my back and knee problems and my anxiety and depression, I was approved quickly. Then they asked me for my hubby's pay stubs...Well, because I didn't work enough hours over my lifetime I was only able to apply for supplemental disability. Getting disability at that point is all based on my husbands income. Long story short he made too much so I got nothing.
~Not ready to work but not getting any help I had no money of my own. Sure, I could have done the easy thing and stayed with Kevin...It certainly would have been much easier to pay my bills and not have to fear what I will do when I want to eat more than one meal a day...But I stayed with him too long after we were over...I was working on us and he saw that nothing was wrong. I was sad, lonely and depressed. I will not ever be with anyone purely because I want to be comfortable financially. But If I had it all to do over the only thing I would change is that I would have stayed working no matter how hard it was... I would not have changed the marriage because we have the 2 most wonderful kids and because I learned a lot about love and myself... Still, I could have been more careful and I should have been realized that Love never lasts. If I had I would have known to take care of myself. Now, I am applying for every job I can and scrounging for money....I am not picky at this point but I am scared. I am frightened of messing up but what do I have to lose? I have no choice but to try everything I can.I need money, I need to survive.
~So far my day is like this :I wake up in the morning in a depression. I sleep on the couch because the bed is too depressing. I don't want to even open my eyes and when I do I want to go back to sleep immediately to sleep away the pain I am feeling. But I don't, I force myself to run my errands and do the things I need to so I can get a few dollars.I've traded in all my own jewelry for very little cash. I am working on having a garage sale and also on selling other things I don't particularly need. I have plans for the future and with patience and hard work I hope I can do what I want and need to so I will be happy again. Although at this point I would settle for just not being so depressed. Honestly, I have thought about the easy way out for a few seconds but I know that I would be hurting my kids and my friends...No, this is not time to give in. Its time to fight. Knowing I have people on my side helps a little...But I know in the end I really only can depend on me....
July 11,2011
6pm
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