Not too long ago when I was working my first job since becoming a mother, I had the opportunity to meet so many different kind of people. At first to spite my trepidation, I was thrilled. My job was full of adults instead of the house where I had been for over 10 years with my two kids and everything kid oriented. That was when I realized that being adult-aged didn't make people anymore mature than my 9 and 7 year old. I had no reason to think it wouldn't go well. After all, I was and always had been a very conscientious, hard-working person no matter what job I was working at and, one of my flaws as well as my good qualities, I was very easy going and great to get along with. It wasn't difficult to get hired. I was certainly not going to argue about my salary. I was just happy after years of being bound to my home to have a boss who understood that I had children. She seemed to realize that I had no one but myself to take care of them. My co-workers also seemed to be sweet, understanding and likeable. I soon found out though that I was walking daily into a world that was anything but easy, sweet and likeable. And the one person who made my daily life a living hell, who trained me wrong and told me all incorrect information just to watch our boss,her friend, yell at me, is gone now. She died a few days ago from a very tragic and awful circumstance. And I don't know why but I am feeling so much confusion and guilt. Thats why I came here...To write it out.
I won't go into too much detail because it doesn't matter if I make my case to my readers. Its given knowledge that I can be overly sensitive at times and that if someone does something to hurt me I take it way too personally. Its the way I am. But one thing that is also true, I am a good judge of when I am being played, used and abused. Its almost too late though when I've figure it out. And I have always been too nice to do anything about it. This co-worker and I had a lot in common. She was also a Mom but of older kids, she had just returned to work a few months before me and she was trying to make her way into the work world. Yet to spite all of our similarities she seemed more interested in our differences. Like how much more money her husband made over mine and what her clothes cost, etc. To me it didn't matter but it did to her apparently. Then she became mean, She would train me to do things like, for instance, to order supplies for the business (her job that she kindly gave up to me among dozens of other duties on her list),Instead of teaching me the correct way, she would tell me to order one amount and then stand there laughing at me when our boss scolded me. My co-worker would even speak up in defense of it. Not in my defense, but in her own. Instead of telling our boss that she had told me the incorrect amount she would tell her that she had told me to order "x" amount but that I went ahead and ordered 3 times the amount. Yeah, ok. My co-worker, for whatever reason, did not like me. She made that clear on some occasions but then would have moments of being nice. She would suddenly spill her guts to me. She'd tell me things that I would only have shared with a very close friend. I never believed her when she was nice but I wanted to like her...And I certainly wasn't going to turn down the chance at not having her snarling, laughing or making a joke of me. I never understood what it was that made her not like me or for that matter, what made her turn into a "mean" girl like in high school but it was like she was jealous. Of what? God only knows. At times I would go out of my way to find common ground with her, to talk about anything we both agreed on. She would be sweet to my face when she needed me to do this or that for her but then turn the corner and talk about me. It drove me nuts. Here I was trying to make my way into the work world and it was hard enough leaving my kids behind but this girl seemed to have it out for me.
So the fact that she didn't try to friend me on face book or that she later after being fired that she didn't say a word to me when she came to say goodbye didn't surprise me. She had seem to decide, at least quietly, that I had something to do with her getting fired but in fact it was her own actions. When we, her co-workers, were asked to tell the truth about what she did we all had to fess up. It wasn't as if it was a secret by the way...Anyone with eyes could see what was going on. It was like she wanted to be caught. I won't get into what got her fired here but it was not without cause. It was sad and it bothered me. I wished that I saw and heard nothing and that I couldn't have been used as a witness to her getting canned but we all were. Anyway, she already didn't like me so in her mind it probably made her feel better to decide I was the one and only person who had anything to do with why she was caught.
So the other day I get a text from someone telling me to read the paper and there it is....An article about how she suddenly and tragically died...So young and a Mom of young kids too. The fact that I didn't like her much doesn't affect how horribly I feel for her family and for her. But somewhere in there I have guilt. Its like I feel like my not liking her for the way she treated me (and others) makes me someone who isn't allowed to feel a normal loss. Its also the realization that anyday could be my last. I know that none of this is personally about me and yet if affects me personally in so many ways. Just because I didn't agree with her morals or the way she treated people, and especially me, doesn't mean I would ever want to see her suffer. Yet I always felt like Karma would bring her to terms with what she had done to me and others just as it would deal with me. Still I don't think anything she could have done would have cost her this heaping helping of karma. I think it was just a horrible thing.
Still, how do you say goodbye to someone who never really bothered to get to know you and went out of her way to embarrass and hurt you? I guess its where I have to forgive her and....forgive myself for not liking everyone. Its a tough thing for me,not to like everyone, but God knows not everyone likes me. I have to let go of things i have no control over.
I pray for this woman and her family. I hope somehow they find peace with the way she died. I know it will be a long road and I hope they have lots of family and friends to support them. If I am ever in a place to be supportive I will be because that's who I am. You don't have to be nice to me for me to be nice to you. And I don't have to like you to be nice. I wish all people could/would try to be that way. I will never understand people who go out of their way to try to hurt and offend others. Yet I cannot control other people, only myself.
I won't go into too much detail because it doesn't matter if I make my case to my readers. Its given knowledge that I can be overly sensitive at times and that if someone does something to hurt me I take it way too personally. Its the way I am. But one thing that is also true, I am a good judge of when I am being played, used and abused. Its almost too late though when I've figure it out. And I have always been too nice to do anything about it. This co-worker and I had a lot in common. She was also a Mom but of older kids, she had just returned to work a few months before me and she was trying to make her way into the work world. Yet to spite all of our similarities she seemed more interested in our differences. Like how much more money her husband made over mine and what her clothes cost, etc. To me it didn't matter but it did to her apparently. Then she became mean, She would train me to do things like, for instance, to order supplies for the business (her job that she kindly gave up to me among dozens of other duties on her list),Instead of teaching me the correct way, she would tell me to order one amount and then stand there laughing at me when our boss scolded me. My co-worker would even speak up in defense of it. Not in my defense, but in her own. Instead of telling our boss that she had told me the incorrect amount she would tell her that she had told me to order "x" amount but that I went ahead and ordered 3 times the amount. Yeah, ok. My co-worker, for whatever reason, did not like me. She made that clear on some occasions but then would have moments of being nice. She would suddenly spill her guts to me. She'd tell me things that I would only have shared with a very close friend. I never believed her when she was nice but I wanted to like her...And I certainly wasn't going to turn down the chance at not having her snarling, laughing or making a joke of me. I never understood what it was that made her not like me or for that matter, what made her turn into a "mean" girl like in high school but it was like she was jealous. Of what? God only knows. At times I would go out of my way to find common ground with her, to talk about anything we both agreed on. She would be sweet to my face when she needed me to do this or that for her but then turn the corner and talk about me. It drove me nuts. Here I was trying to make my way into the work world and it was hard enough leaving my kids behind but this girl seemed to have it out for me.
So the fact that she didn't try to friend me on face book or that she later after being fired that she didn't say a word to me when she came to say goodbye didn't surprise me. She had seem to decide, at least quietly, that I had something to do with her getting fired but in fact it was her own actions. When we, her co-workers, were asked to tell the truth about what she did we all had to fess up. It wasn't as if it was a secret by the way...Anyone with eyes could see what was going on. It was like she wanted to be caught. I won't get into what got her fired here but it was not without cause. It was sad and it bothered me. I wished that I saw and heard nothing and that I couldn't have been used as a witness to her getting canned but we all were. Anyway, she already didn't like me so in her mind it probably made her feel better to decide I was the one and only person who had anything to do with why she was caught.
So the other day I get a text from someone telling me to read the paper and there it is....An article about how she suddenly and tragically died...So young and a Mom of young kids too. The fact that I didn't like her much doesn't affect how horribly I feel for her family and for her. But somewhere in there I have guilt. Its like I feel like my not liking her for the way she treated me (and others) makes me someone who isn't allowed to feel a normal loss. Its also the realization that anyday could be my last. I know that none of this is personally about me and yet if affects me personally in so many ways. Just because I didn't agree with her morals or the way she treated people, and especially me, doesn't mean I would ever want to see her suffer. Yet I always felt like Karma would bring her to terms with what she had done to me and others just as it would deal with me. Still I don't think anything she could have done would have cost her this heaping helping of karma. I think it was just a horrible thing.
Still, how do you say goodbye to someone who never really bothered to get to know you and went out of her way to embarrass and hurt you? I guess its where I have to forgive her and....forgive myself for not liking everyone. Its a tough thing for me,not to like everyone, but God knows not everyone likes me. I have to let go of things i have no control over.
I pray for this woman and her family. I hope somehow they find peace with the way she died. I know it will be a long road and I hope they have lots of family and friends to support them. If I am ever in a place to be supportive I will be because that's who I am. You don't have to be nice to me for me to be nice to you. And I don't have to like you to be nice. I wish all people could/would try to be that way. I will never understand people who go out of their way to try to hurt and offend others. Yet I cannot control other people, only myself.
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