I watched that movie,"Whats Your Number" last night which got me to thinking, is there an ex I would ever consider going back to if I were single again? Even if I were to find that they had changed for the better? The answer is so easy its almost sad. NO.
Even if one of them were rich, running for a senate seat or well-known, I wouldn't consider even one of them. What needs to change about them isn't their bank accounts or their friends. Its everything that is moral, ethical and is ingrained in the person they are...Or better, who they are not. I have known each of them since our relationships demise and it doesn't get better but maybe even gets worse. The last one is a definite no. I am reminded every single day how much going through this divorce is for the best. I will be relieved and so happy when its over. Yet until the kids are old enough not to be under one or both of our roofs, it will stay being complicated.
I think once in awhile that the only way I would have stayed with him or gone back was for a reason that had nothing to do with love or being happy. The reason I stayed with him as long as I did was for my kids. When we were together I had a bit more control over the way he treated them. I could shop for the kids, add his name to a present, tell them he said something sweet when he didn't or throw in a wise comment he supposedly said when he said anything but. When he wasn't around (Which was almost always just like now) I could at least try to make them think it was because he was working hard to give them a great Christmas or other things. And yes, he was a hard worker but not because he worried about us but because it was and is an excuse not to be counted on at home. Now I have no control over what side he shows them, the time he spends or doesn't spend with them and how he reacts. I cannot try to diffuse his anger anymore.That scares me because the girlfriend he has seems to love to get him very riled up and angry. I can no longer make up the difference in his lack of being around. All I can do is either try to make excuses for his bad decisions or, easier for me but sad for our kids, let them see for themselves that he is not who he tries to portray. Now all the time I spent trying to make him look better means I played a part in his lies.
God knows I am not perfect. I am learning too. But I don't have to learn to spend time with the kids or learn to put them first. They always have and forever will be first. Instead of dealing with him though, now I have to put up with his way of not giving a crap...All you have to do is watch him for a minute to see who has their hand furthest up his ass because whomever does is the one who will get to hear him say their words. Its not that he does it out of belief for the persons cause or even concern or care but he only will stand up for something out of a need not to be nagged. I know when his girlfriend isn't happy because I will get several dozens of texts from him full of angry and bitter arguing....And thats just over socks that have gone missing. Forget about the important things...Its only important to him if its bitching coming from the mouth of the woman for whom at the moment he is trying to keep happy.
It used to be me. Only I didn't nag him about ridiculous things like missing socks or a stupid concern over whether my daughter would ever take it upon herself at 12 to vacuum a mess that another child made...The stress and nagging that I get bombarded with almost daily is not over someones health or safety like most parents would worry about but over controlling them the kids. Its a time bomb just ticking away.
I don't need to do anything. Time and nagging from his girlfriend will finally make him crazy. He stays where he is because he is so afraid to be alone. I don't really care accept that I worry how it affects our kids. He tells them often how much he resents his new girlfriend and how he wishes he never met her. He tells my son that he has to ask permission to use her beloved jeep and that he wants to leave but financially can't. I can only imagine what my son is feeling when he hears that from his father.I mean, anyone who knows us knows that my husband only takes our son for about an hour a week if that. That he has chosen to believe the lies of his girlfriend over his own son and therefore my son cannot visit his own fathers home.
I will be the luckiest woman if I get to live the rest of my life as loved as I am right now. Me and Jesse aren't perfect and there are times I am sure he feels in over his head with this mess that is my past. Still, even if tomorrow he left, I would never be lonely for ANY of my exes. That part of my life is,thank God, over with. Its important that I get along with one of them for the kids and I hope that he will stop listening to the woman he met half a year ago,who is speaking out of pure jealousy of me and my ex and not out of real, honest concern for our kids. Still, I can't make my ex understand that our 14 years together should be at least trusted over the time he's shared with her so far. I wouldn't "make" anyone do anything.... I only want a person to agree with me because they see it my way, not because I've complained enough that they simply want to shut me up. Let's face it though, if I wanted to all I'd have to do is bitch louder and longer than his girlfriend....Its true that to my ex whoever nags the most wins... Sadly they don't realize who needs to "win" here. It's the kids. They don't care who is louder, who is right or who is wrong. They don't care who proves themselves to be a better fighter. All they want is their parents to love and protect them. I am doing my part. I can't make him do his. It's time I stop trying to make him into a good father and person. I don't have the energy anymore to even pretend it.
Even if one of them were rich, running for a senate seat or well-known, I wouldn't consider even one of them. What needs to change about them isn't their bank accounts or their friends. Its everything that is moral, ethical and is ingrained in the person they are...Or better, who they are not. I have known each of them since our relationships demise and it doesn't get better but maybe even gets worse. The last one is a definite no. I am reminded every single day how much going through this divorce is for the best. I will be relieved and so happy when its over. Yet until the kids are old enough not to be under one or both of our roofs, it will stay being complicated.
I think once in awhile that the only way I would have stayed with him or gone back was for a reason that had nothing to do with love or being happy. The reason I stayed with him as long as I did was for my kids. When we were together I had a bit more control over the way he treated them. I could shop for the kids, add his name to a present, tell them he said something sweet when he didn't or throw in a wise comment he supposedly said when he said anything but. When he wasn't around (Which was almost always just like now) I could at least try to make them think it was because he was working hard to give them a great Christmas or other things. And yes, he was a hard worker but not because he worried about us but because it was and is an excuse not to be counted on at home. Now I have no control over what side he shows them, the time he spends or doesn't spend with them and how he reacts. I cannot try to diffuse his anger anymore.That scares me because the girlfriend he has seems to love to get him very riled up and angry. I can no longer make up the difference in his lack of being around. All I can do is either try to make excuses for his bad decisions or, easier for me but sad for our kids, let them see for themselves that he is not who he tries to portray. Now all the time I spent trying to make him look better means I played a part in his lies.
God knows I am not perfect. I am learning too. But I don't have to learn to spend time with the kids or learn to put them first. They always have and forever will be first. Instead of dealing with him though, now I have to put up with his way of not giving a crap...All you have to do is watch him for a minute to see who has their hand furthest up his ass because whomever does is the one who will get to hear him say their words. Its not that he does it out of belief for the persons cause or even concern or care but he only will stand up for something out of a need not to be nagged. I know when his girlfriend isn't happy because I will get several dozens of texts from him full of angry and bitter arguing....And thats just over socks that have gone missing. Forget about the important things...Its only important to him if its bitching coming from the mouth of the woman for whom at the moment he is trying to keep happy.
It used to be me. Only I didn't nag him about ridiculous things like missing socks or a stupid concern over whether my daughter would ever take it upon herself at 12 to vacuum a mess that another child made...The stress and nagging that I get bombarded with almost daily is not over someones health or safety like most parents would worry about but over controlling them the kids. Its a time bomb just ticking away.
I don't need to do anything. Time and nagging from his girlfriend will finally make him crazy. He stays where he is because he is so afraid to be alone. I don't really care accept that I worry how it affects our kids. He tells them often how much he resents his new girlfriend and how he wishes he never met her. He tells my son that he has to ask permission to use her beloved jeep and that he wants to leave but financially can't. I can only imagine what my son is feeling when he hears that from his father.I mean, anyone who knows us knows that my husband only takes our son for about an hour a week if that. That he has chosen to believe the lies of his girlfriend over his own son and therefore my son cannot visit his own fathers home.
I will be the luckiest woman if I get to live the rest of my life as loved as I am right now. Me and Jesse aren't perfect and there are times I am sure he feels in over his head with this mess that is my past. Still, even if tomorrow he left, I would never be lonely for ANY of my exes. That part of my life is,thank God, over with. Its important that I get along with one of them for the kids and I hope that he will stop listening to the woman he met half a year ago,who is speaking out of pure jealousy of me and my ex and not out of real, honest concern for our kids. Still, I can't make my ex understand that our 14 years together should be at least trusted over the time he's shared with her so far. I wouldn't "make" anyone do anything.... I only want a person to agree with me because they see it my way, not because I've complained enough that they simply want to shut me up. Let's face it though, if I wanted to all I'd have to do is bitch louder and longer than his girlfriend....Its true that to my ex whoever nags the most wins... Sadly they don't realize who needs to "win" here. It's the kids. They don't care who is louder, who is right or who is wrong. They don't care who proves themselves to be a better fighter. All they want is their parents to love and protect them. I am doing my part. I can't make him do his. It's time I stop trying to make him into a good father and person. I don't have the energy anymore to even pretend it.
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