~Another Night, Another Prayer.Same Old Me~

~As I lay down to sleep tonight I will pray to God as I have done every night since the state of my life became upset and scrambled by my need for true happiness. I will ask God to keep my children, family and friends safe but also for courage. I will close my eyes and try to block out the fear that is at times choking me. I will try to imagine strong, loving and protective arms around my body while I listen intently for any sound of a stranger trying to break in. And as I fall to sleep with all the mixed feelings of doubt, love and worry, and my stomach aches from the stress, I will hope that I wake up in a mood that is anything but hopeless. I realize as I lay in the darkness paralyzed by the silence that this new and lonely life is exactly a version of what I asked for...My husband is gone and I am free to pursue an independent and happy life. As I drift off to sleep I will see the faces of my Bailey and Tessa in my mind and the big question mark that is my tomorrow. Will I be happy again? Will love- real, honest, unbridled love that fights for and adores me one hundred percent-be mine? Or will I only ever have love that is mine because the man I love couldn't be with his true love?  Will I let it in to stay or will I as always let my own self doubt and feelings of worthlessness cause me to ruin my own chances? Then as the last of my worries lulls me to sleep I will most likely be shaken awake again by the deep and scariest fear I own--The fear that for me there is no hope, that I have nothing left to give, and that this life so far is as good as it gets...The realization that I asked for this sits on my chest-If not for my selfish need for happiness, I would not now be facing homelessness, and worse, a life with the possibility of no Love at all. For I denied and pushed away the man who "Loved" me (if that is what you call Love) but without the children I've adored, cared for and mothered for a mere 14 years, I fear that I will simply disappear as a person. And if in the night the nightmares and stress don't wake me a half dozen times like usual, maybe I will get a whole 3 or 4 hours sleep before morning comes...If I can get through that, and I don't wake up and feel my stomach churning, my lungs filling up with unyielding anxiety and the migraine doesn't blind me, I hope I can talk myself through the 100-pound weight of sadness and depression that sits in my head so I can get up out of bed to face the day...I will plan to go do my much needed errands, to buy some food and to get the mail that is full of all bad news. Maybe I will have a window of opportunity where my mood isn't dragged down to actually do it. So  many details, too many "what ifs" and not enough belief in myself and Love to make me hopeful I suppose.My Mind is on my future, my heart may as well be a million miles away with with the man I love, and my body can't get enough energy or memory to even go into auto pilot.
~Yet there IS a voice coming weakly from somewhere that is barely audible. One that almost sounds like my Mom's voice but could me my own, that is pleading with me to stop letting in the fear, to drown out the negative, dark voices of doubt and to forget about everything and everyone that is dragging me down. It warns me to take back my heart and safely replace it in my chest, to rewire my brain so I think about the here and now only and to give nourishment to both my mind and body so I can actually find the energy because I have a long fight ahead of me. It tells me that I cannot win if I am living so many miles or problems away. "You need to be here in today, working and fighting, pushing and striving for yourself. No One and Nothing can fix this mess, or fight these fights for you. Let go of everything and everyone that is trying to keep you unhealthy, that is holding too tightly and not at all willing to let you live your own way in order to persevere. .Don't waste a bit of energy on anything other than what you need to do to be and to fix you, to be safe and to be happy." All at once I know what I have to do...Now I pray that I can find the courage, the energy and the fight inside of myself to let go of so much so I can finally figure out and fight for me.

July 22, 2011

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