~When Its Over A New Life Begins ~

I have no internet except when I go visit a friend or family member but that is no reason to go silent on my blog. So very much is going on right now. The important people in my life have not left my side even for a moment so its important to me that I don't abandon anyone who may be reading.

I have been living alone in the house for a few months now. After Jesse left to go home I fell into one of the deepest, darkest depressions I've ever felt. It was scary the way I was feeling. More frightening than what I was feeling was what I wasn't—I didn't have the will to live. I felt like without Jesse by my side and without my kids with me like they used to be, what am I?   Being evicted from the house, having my electricity always on the edge of being turned off, having no telephone or internet, no food, no money for gas and, for a bit, the car was almost gone too---How could I fight when the hole I was in was just getting deeper by the day? I didn't know what to do, who to turn to or whether anyone would be there for me. More than anything I feared asking Jesse to be with me and having him say no. If he said no it would have been difficult to continue any relationship because it would have meant he didn't feel for me how strongly I do for him.

One night a week ago I was again feeling like the world was closing in on me. My ex had been playing the game of excluding me from important decisions regarding our kids in favor of making decisions with his girl friend, my phone was going to be shut off any minute, I was making no money and what I was finding as I tried to sell items on line is that there are some very devious and mean people in the world. Within days of posting jewelry for sale I had 8 people try to con me. I was, to say the least, giving up on humanity and all hope of humanity caring for me. My friend asked me why I hadn't asked Jesse if he would come stay here while I got on my feet. I explained to her that I was already enduring so much heart break and that the possibility of him saying no was tearing me up...If I had asked him and he said no, for any reason, it would have put me over the top I told her.

That night while on line talking to Jesse we got talking about me moving to be with him and how long it might take because of me needing to tie up loose ends here. I worried all the time that while I was trying to maintain a life here I would be using all my money and it would leave me no room to save for my move to California. Forget about my possessions because I have come to the realization that moving me and my things is not going to happen. I told Jesse that I wished he could be here with me. I knew as the words spilled out that I was too far in...I could hear the words coming out before I could stop them. Before I knew it I was telling him that I missed him so much and that my emotions are so tied up in him that its difficult to go do the things I need to. I told him that if he was here helping me sell,pack and store the things I have as well as filling my days with himself so that I wasn't so heartsick that I felt I could be more productive. What he said to me made me smile so big and my heart felt like it was dancing...After asking me “So, you want me to move there to Massachusetts? Leave my cave and come there to be with you?” I explained that I didn't want him to come here to stay, that I would go back with him as soon as we were done here. Suddenly he was telling me yes, he would come here. It was such a wonderful and freeing feeling-I am going to have my love, my baby, the other half of my heart here with me instead of 3,000 thousand miles away. I can see him and touch him instead of watching him over a computer. Instead of often losing our connection and having a hard time hearing and seeing each other, Jesse would finally be my other half here with me.... All at once the darkness and fear dissipated. I felt like I was on top of the world and that I could do anything, Not just because Jesse would be here to help me but more because he actually loves me so much that he is choosing to be here with me. If I ever had a doubt of how Jesse felt about me that day I was shown differently.

~As the days have gone by since that wonderful day Jesse has shared his nervousness and sadness over leaving his family. I know it well because I have had to spend a lot of time thinking about the day that I will go to be with him and I will be walking away from my father, siblings, nieces and, for a bit, my own kids... It has been a sharp pain in my heart and an aching in my stomach. Still, I know that the life Jesse and I will make there will be full of love and happiness, and sure,at times, it will also be difficult for me but its worth it to have him by my side. I have felt guilt over Jesse's pain. I've heard the reactions from his family. I don't take his decision lightly. Even the idea that he is leaving his bachelor life to be with me doesn't escape my sympathy. The good thing is that once we tie up the loose ends here we will be on our way back to his home... Then it will be my turn.

~There have been times when that guilt I feel over Jesse leaving has made me almost tell him not to come. I have worried that every silence from him is him changing his mind or wanting to. I have cried myself to sleep thinking about what I am asking of him... He is so close to his family. The sacrifice he is making for me is a great one. I've asked him often if its what he wants...If there is any excitement or happiness for the day he is here that might overshadow the stress he is feeling. Today he told me that he would not be coming to me if he didn't want to, that he wants to be with me. That should be enough, but I know I will worry. Its difficult to see the man I love and adore hurting. I want only to make him as happy as I can...To do for and give him everything and anything that I can to fill his life with love.

~Yet, isn't that love? Sacrifice? Don't we all make sacrifices in one way or another to bring the person we love closer? Whether its something small like making room for the other in your home or something huge like making a move halfway across the world, isn't true love not about what we gain but what we give? I've always been the one to give that I can't see how to take. It just doesn't feel right to me. I am trying though because I recognize that I need help in order to move on. In the end it is only me that can get through the emotions, questions and pain but if I can accept his help, why can't I enjoy Jesse's love? To simply be able to hold his hand when I am scared, to feel him holding me through the night when the darkness is deeper than just lack of light, to have his mere touch carry me through the fear and hurt---That is love. I wish that I could pack away my life and go straight to him bypassing his move here, but its just not what is in the plan for our life. Sure, we could wait a few months, maybe a year to be together, but we have already been apart for so long that we both can hardly have a life because we feel the constant need to be on line together. When he is here in person and not a connection on line, I will be able to work through my problems, to work and to do all the things that I've either put on hold or have had no energy or hope to accomplish..

~I hope that the first time we argue (since we have yet to do so in the past year), that it won't be about his move to me or mine to him. I've decided that my decision to go to California is mine to make and not and will not be something I turn inward with resentment. No one is making him come here or me go there. Jesse and I can get through anything because of love and caring but also because of mutual respect. I honestly have never felt the respect that he gives me...As for my respecting him, he knows I think the the world begins and ends with his very existence....Its a very sweet place to be when you are in love. I actually never felt it before because anytime I was in love before I was not Stacy but my boyfriend's girl...I can be Jesse's girl, Tessa and Bailey's Mother and still be Stacy now. Its a wonderful feeling and I don't intend to ever give it up. There is a long road ahead of us but Jesse and I will see my way through this chapter in my life so that we can begin the next one—Both of us together in California with my kids and all the love in the world!!!

8/5/2011