~Our Only Real Friend ~

Sitting here listening to the Oprah Winfrey show, they are discussing how people use food to fill the emptiness or coat the pain. I know I do that. Its chocolate. Yet the idea that I am trying to hide my feelings is ludicrous, right? I deal with every emotion that comes my way, right? Guess not.

I find myself several times a day trying to find something else to fill my loneliness. Forget what the loneliness is from. It doesn't matter really. I imagine for the rest of my life there will be an empty hole in me~But what I do to fill it, with food, with coloring, do I do it with blogging to? Am I faking being in touch with my own emotions by writing this when really, maybe, there are bigger, deeper, and tougher painful things that I suppress?? I know right at this very moment I am holding back an emotion that is hurting me badly. I want to let it out but I am afraid.

So, I am forcing it out...

I thought that I shared real love and friendship with this person. I didn't? I thought for as many miles as there was between us there were double the feelings of trust. I feel angry at myself for believing in yet another person who used and abused me. I am angry at this person for using me for their own ego and letting me go when they had their fill. I am mad that months after they walked away I can waste a second on them...More than anything though, I am afraid that it was all my fault that they are gone, that they really did care for me but that in my own destructive way, I pushed hard and fast and now I can't see it for what it is. I am afraid that I will never meet anyone real or really loving because if and when I do I will ruin it.

Why couldn't they fight for me>? Didn't they know that I really truly loved them and wanted to be their friend? Didn't they know that we were doing great and that the only thing that made me let down was my own self-doubt. No, its not fair...why should they have to deal with the constant stress of me doubting their intentions? I guess I am looking for the one person who will stand by me through all this mess and in the end what comes out, what we are, will be so much bigger than where we started. Too much to ask...You are as gone as I thought you would be, as everyone always has been before you. I deserve my own silence and agony it seems.

I want to get in touch with what is inside of me and work on it.I want to be worthy of friendship and not scare people away. Still, one thing keeps ringing in my ears, something a friend who has been with me since day one has said to me, "A real friend will be there, will love you and every part of you ugly and beautiful no matter what. Real friends don't judge you, they love you."

Maybe this friend never did love me, never wanted anything more than to get what they did and now they are gone because I have nothing left they want. I will never know because either way this person didn't find me worth enough to answer my plea to speak just one more time. In retrospect it seems I was alone in the friendship the entire time, listening and believing in their lies. Maybe they thought they were doing me a favor by staying away so that I would let go? Maybe they thought that they were the ones doing the damage? No, they just never cared. That is the truth and yes, it hurts a  whole lot. Still, I didn't eat it, color it or blog it away.  I dealt with it and yet I still feel empty, so lonely and hopeless. Tomorrow will be a better day.

~Stacy J Roosa

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