~ You Could Have Had Me ~




What time I have wasted missing you~
Missing our talks, our laughter and
the way you could put my mind at ease.
You had a way of making everything okay.
Now I wonder what did I have at all
that now I have nothing in you??  From you...
A man whose love was neither boundless
nor unconditional.
You loved me when I was beautiful,
easy, sweet...
Yet when I was tough~
when I asked to take a peek into your heart
you pulled away
and when I wanted to know your mind
your feet took off running,
I became hard work for you.
Love is not work
but relationships are.
Love is not supposed to hurt
yet everything that you have said
and done
has hurt me from the day I loved you.
I promised to love you
until the moment that I die,
and I will.
I will love the you
that you wanted me to see...
Adore the you
that you allowed to be seen
by my loving and searching eyes.
In a small way I will forever yearn for the man
whose own words spoke of gentle, sweet
and unending love.
Of forgiveness...
I will even mourn you,
the man who I never
was allowed to meet.
Yet you~
Will you keep your promises?
No, my "friend", not so far.
You promised you could never tire of me,
never imagine your life without me,
at least as a friend.
You promised me forgiveness
when I dared to be human
and need more than the walls
you threw up between us.
You promised that I meant more to you
than just some girl,
that you loved my words.
You led me to believe in someday,
I was a fool.
So,. why do I let myself believe
that one day you will come to your senses
and want me back?
Love isn't supposed to be a someday
of which I will never know...
Friendship is not a promise
that flits about in the wind...
Still, to you, it seems that's all you have.
Someday you will be but a mere memory to me,
a sort of cemetery stone I visit in my mind on occasion.
I will be finally happy, loved by a man who wants to love me,
in love with a man who sees my imperfections
as beauty too.
Where will you be all closed up,
with walls up to the heavens?
What will you have but memories of a perfect love
that never was or was to be?
You will have nothing.
(you could have had me.)

Stacy J Roosa
May 18, 2010

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