Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

May Peace lull you to sleep at night~May hope wake u every morning&dance u through your day.May all the dreams that awake in your mind come true.And when you are rich with Love or in Wealth~or both~May you share it with others.To my friends & family.You've touched my life in more ways than you'll ever know.You make me Hope,wish and Dream.You inspire me to live deeper,stronger &better.Thank u ♫♪•♥HAPPY NEW YEAR!★♫♪•♥ Love,Stacy J. Roosa

There are good people who work hard, some working two or three jobs and hardly see the light of day but cannot give their kids and family what they feel they deserve for Christmas.Although they know inside and teach to their children that the real gifts is this world are love,family and health, the pride they feel for how wonderful their kids are makes them want to give them at least a few great things...To spoil them them at least once a year...Then there are others who don't bother to work. Although they can work because they are not disabled or such, they get aid from the state&forever have their hand out.In this country if you make a dollar over the limit the state sets you deserve no help from the state at all. Yet if you make the minimum amount (sometimes the difference is so minimal its ridiculous) the state gives you welfare, section 8, food stamps and on and on and on. Because of all the help some people get and the fact that they are still allowed to work at least par...

Three words have been beating like a drum in my mind and continue to cut my heart... I miss you. No, not the you I wanted you to be but the real, honest and  "take-you-as-you-are" you. Sadly the ball  is not in my court. It is in yours....As much as I would like to reach out to you again I have already and I don't want to push you if you aren't ready. You know where I am if you want to talk or to be friends again. I don't care that you aren't perfect or that you won't change....Please don't. Honestly, I never wanted you to. What I wanted then, or thought I did, is not the same. I simply want your friendship. I know you have been here over and over again reading these posts. Just write to me and lets try to talk again. ~Stacyroosa@gmail.com on email and windows messenger

Tonight I felt inspired to write this on my status on face book: What I want for Christmas won't fit in a box.It's neither big or small.U can't touch or see it but you'll feel it inside.I want the gift of seeing you happy~If we could make each other feel loved &fill each other W/ hope,Joy will soon follow.In turn the gift will be shared& go on forever.Nothing u can buy me will ever be as beautiful as the smile on your face.Not jus t on the holiday but always.Happy Holidays to all ♥ Anytime I write something emotional like this where I have stripped myself of the usual "clothes" we each wear on a social network, I worry that my thoughts might be disliked,or worse, admitted to me that they are disliked. Although I believe that every human has a right to their opinion and know that not everyone will like every word I write,it truly does hurt me when someone(anyone) leaves a negative comment. As usual though my friends were encouraging of this comment...

Yesterday I went to my doctor and today I will make an appointment with a therapist.It will be nice to finally have someone to talk to~Someone who is listening,yes,because I pay them to but who will have no interest in the results except to be able to say they helped me. Its difficult,I find people have stopped listening.Perhaps because I don't work or step foot out into the world so my conversation is limited but my own husband has difficulty remembering what I tell him. So, today I woke up and actually had some energy.To spite only getting about 2 hours sleep, I felt revitalized and almost hopeful. I make some egg salad,did some dishes and have been poking around the internet. I am really excited to go christmas shopping and am just waiting for payday to go start and finish the gift shopping.Since I am only buying for our kids it won't be too difficult. I have been thinking lots about Dad. He is gone from my life and although I know that he cannot help the decisions he is...

~It's no secret that I write poetry...Even as a kid when other kids would give me presents they were always poetry books,journals to write in or really expensive pens. I have been asked by my children's 6th grade teacher to come to class and read the students some of my poetry. I didn't really let myself think about it until tonight and I am really excited. Sure, I will have to fight my anxiety over leaving the house and more than that the nervousness I am sure to feel as I stand before 20-30 eleven and twelve year olds students but when you love something the way I love writing it's not as difficult to do. ~Now I just need to choose a few poems to read. Remembering that my "audience" will be young and very impressionable, I want to read them poetry that is light and fun yet still full of meaning. I would love to write a poem in class with the help of the kids too. I imagine standing there asking the students to come up with a subject, our "noun"(Th...

~When we show love or care toward someone else whether they are a stranger or friend we do two huge things~We feel a sense of pride in making another smile as well as making that person and ourselves feel that they have a connection to another in this sometimes lonely world. We will never ever feel bad about ourselves when we have worked at making another human feel good. It is with that idea and theory that I think that things such as bullying could be snuffed out entirely. ~When we went to school and now our kids follow, we went through many class lessons. Every lesson from math to science, health class and gym....Yet where were the class teaching us, at a young, impressionable age,how to treat others? Lets think about this for a moment....Imagine a class where we really learn to bond with our classmates; a place where cliques and social are not allowed and a person who kids truly admire helps kids to find beauty and good in each other. Imagine a school where each kid doesn't ha...

~To spite what the news and parents of today's kids think, bullying is not new. It has been around since the days of cave men, I'm sure, and will still be alive and "well" many centuries from now. Bullying is born from low self-esteem and fear of anyone or anything different. At least that is my take on it... For a boy or girl who is feeling bad about themselves, maybe feels inferior to another and wants to hide it by puffing up their own chest and acting the part of someone who is sure of themselves, the act of putting down another person is meant to make the bully feel better about themselves. I have a theory though, backed by my own day of being a bully, that they don't feel better for having bullied but instead worse. Who can truly feel better about themselves when they are making another human being hurt? Unless a person was born with no working conscience or they are void of all sympathies toward another because of drugs or some other emotion-killing toxin, ...

With scalpel in shaking hand I detach my heart from the blood supply and realign and reattach it to the cognitive thinking in my brain. A straight line to reality bypassing all that is hope and wishing. I rewire the part of my brain that is lit up and swooned by dreams. I reattach it to my left arm so that whenever I feel the silly need to look longingly at an old,loving couple I can shake a fist and with it my reality back to its rightful place. Then I empty the vast space in my head that is tempted by sunsets walks, love songs and that feeling that goes through my very core and shakes me head to toe when he looks at me. I fill the new void with packing popcorn. There will be no hopeless romantics here, not anymore. No dreams of love forever or forever at all. Just math formulas, proper, adjective-less English and recipes for fudge. ~Stacy J Roosa October 23,2010 © 2010  Stacy J. Roosa (All rights reserved)

~When my heart gets hurt and feels the loss of  a person whose love for me stopped, I do not simply go cold,shut down my heart and stop loving back. If it were that easy I would be a happier yet emotionless person who didn't deserve any love. Although there are times when someone comes in and makes a huge mess of my life then leaves me in the middle of it all while they go onto their next victim, but my heart cannot just stop loving them. I am in the midst of this now~I love someone who has proved again and again,over and over, to have nothing in their heart for me except possible hate, and I cannot give him what he deserves...Instead I find myself sad and wishing it were different even though there is almost nothing that I could have done to change the outcome. ~I go on day after day pretending it doesn't bother me that he doesn't care for me, that it doesn't break my heart to go days, weeks and months without a word from him...I don't understand. Once again life ...

~I have been so very depressed the past two years. It's the worst depression I have known in my 36 years of life.I cannot sleep at night for fear of the outside world breaking in and possible fire or other unfathomable things and then I sleep on and off all day. I don't eat, I don't want to do anything and then when I do get the smallest of a flicker of hope that makes me want to go out of the house it gets swallowed up by fear of what will happen when I do go out. Agoraphobia, depression, anxiety, sadness,loss, fears, and on and on. The written word is the only thing I have that won't expect anything from me, won't be let down by me and doesn't look to me for more than I can give. ~When did it happen? I was a vivacious, outgoing,friendly and hopeful woman who was a Mom, wife, and friend. I ran a house for single parents struggling with drug and alcohol addiction. To spite some normal self-doubt tripping me up every now and then, I had many things going for me....

~Look out channel surfers, it seems every channel on television has their own fill of reality T.V. shows. Everything from surviving on an island to living with mean, wretched people, producers will do almost anything to get you to tune in and get hooked. Let's face it, the world of television has changed since the days of carefully scripted shows like "Little House On The Prairie" and the industry has become soaked in sexually explicit, reality T.V. and yet most of the time the show that is "reality" is anything but real...Did you know that many of these shows have scripts? Of course if you didn't you were wondering. The producers call it simply setting the tone for real world life.Otherwise we would be watching hours of nose-picking, slow-witted, boring television. How many times have you watched an interview of a contestant who claimed that their "bitch" persona was carefully formed and all non-bitchy, potentially friendly conversations of a repu...

 When I was in grade school and into high school I went into the new academic year with a great longing to go to school. I couldn't stop my excitement in August while in the aisles of the stores looking for pencils, a trapper keeper and paper supplies of all kinds. Clothes and shoe shopping were next. Everyday I would plan my outfits until the day school arrived. I was full of a hunger to go to school.   Now, looking back I realize the difference between being excited to go to school and being actually thirsty for education. Now, away from any structure of a classroom I want to learn about American History, Math, Art, and all other subjects I think of.  I was an absolute air head when it came to math. Truly. I would look at an Algebraic equation and my brain would melt. Now, as my kids bring home their daily homework I am getting it! Me, the person who couldn't figure out simple math rules,or at least didn't try to get them and then found myself lost too late for he...

Sometimes we are own worst enemies and other times we are our own guards...And sometimes in protecting ourselves we are the first thing all over again, our own worst enemies. I have been there, trying so hard to keep myself in check, to keep my heart from inevitably falling for another that in trying to save myself the anguish of possible let down by another human being I have created a prison of my own discontent and lack of self esteem. In the end all I got was what I deserved by doing this-Being alone and lonely. ~How does one open up to someone and let the walls come shattering to the ground when the other is just as guarded.No, I am not just talking about being the first one to kiss the other or to mumble those three scary words of "I love you" since it can never really get far enough down the road to even allow for that possibility. No, I am speaking of knowing another and finding out along the way that they are everything you want but while you are guarded the fortres...

Being in real,honest love with another human makes a person want so deeply to be a better person for & because of them.And yet someone who truly loves you would never want you to change; They love you just as you are and make you feel that you are the best person in the world.Because of the power of Loving& being loved  both see a reflection of beauty,love&hope in the others eyes.True Love is never hurtful or ugly ♥ I met a person not too long ago that made me want to be myself, my best and to let go of all of my heartbreak and hurt. Then they left and it made me feel hopeless. I suppose its time to find this in myself and not in the reflection of another's eyes...If I look for it out there in the eyes of a man who loves me but then he falls out of love with me what will I have? I need to find it inside of me. Love can die again and again and all I'll have is myself.

I just realized that even though you hurt me and broke my heart,even though you lied and treated me worse than I deserved, I really, truly want you to be happy. I want you to find someone, your dream girl, and fall deeply,desperately in love. I want you to be happy and content.

Throughout my life when things were good and bad, when I was depressed or happy, through the utter amazement and happiness over the birth of both of my children, and the day in June 13 years ago when I became the wife  to a wonderful,sweet and giving man that I love...Then to my parents illnesses,my Dad's loss of memory and the night I lost my Mom, I have always looked outward for both validation and comfort.To spite my own strength and the simple fact of all I have dealt with on my own, I still can't see~or won't recognize~ my own worth... I have dealt with so many things including my own share of ups and downs. In the end I imagine I will look back on my life with great happiness and fulfillment for my loved ones, family and all the friends  I've loved. I,too, will have words of wisdom for others regarding my own experiences with being abused and hurt as well as many other difficult situations. W...

Here I am on a Tuesday afternoon sitting across from a doctor, a psychologist, on the second floor of a building in Pittsfield. Outside in the hallway,also called the waiting room, is my husband and two kids. I can hear them chattering quietly. The woman is more into the questions she is reading to me off a state-mandated questionaire then she is in what is truly going on in my life. For the next 50 minutes,an hour to psychologists,I have to prove that I am sick enough for the state to help me.I have a whole 50 mintues to attempt to cram into the air,and her onto her clipboard,everything in my life that has played a part in making me depressed,an agoraphobic, anxiety-ridden, and all plus the issues with my degeneritive disc disease in my back, messed up vertabrae, fibromyalsia,migraine headaches, carpal tunnel in both hands,knee issues and on and on. First the doctor turns the fan on. Is it okay she asks. Its an old building with dark stained door frames and the usual boring stained ...

I don't love you. I don't think I ever did. I loved the you I thought you were, the you that you made yourself seem like ~~A good,patient,loyal, ethical and morally good person  full of love and hope,wise beyond your years and giving...I was going through the most difficult time in my life...My Mother had died, my Father was so ill he was unable to recognize his own family,my siblings suffering from Moms loss,my marriage being tested by all of the above,my kids suffering the loss of their Nana and Papa,the loss of my career, and childhood struggles resurfacing etc.... You offered me friendship and I saw in you what you pretended to be. I suppose it was easy for you to fool me because what I saw was what I also needed you to be...It was never a conscious choice to betray my own view of what you are. I believed what I saw in you with my own eyes, heart and I said what I believed. Sadly, I was not looking through clear eyes...Now you are gone and you refuse to talk to me.At first ...

I wrote m very first poem when I was in 4th grade(I believe)...My teacher,Mr. Spraugue. said he loved the poem so much that he entered me into a magazine. I don't think it was published. I never tried again until I was in 11th grade when My English teacher told me I should try for The Susquehanna University's Literary Magazine.  She warned me that they only published about 2,000 poems,stories and phots total of the over 20,000 entries they received...It was enough of a warning to halt me but she was so wonderful and so supportive that she "held my hand" through the whole experience...The first year I sent one poem in... I received a letter that stated that they would be using my poem if there was room. The 2nd year I tried(in 12th grade) I sent in a few poems and they were both published right away. My teacher loved to boast that I was the first student at our High school, Mt Greylock Regional, that was ever published in the Susquehanna University magazine. She even...

If Love is a liquid that can fill one's heart fuller and fuller until it overflows then what is hate? Although not the opposite word, it is, at least for me, the opposite emotion... For Love is like warm sunshine sprites and a cool flooding of a waterfall; It is like the sweetest juice and the most sumptuous food while still being free and intangible. Love is the flutter of a butterfly's wings and the halt of the coldest rain and never just one thing but everything all at once. But Hate? It is an illness, the very disease that eats our bones and body. For it empties Hope so slowly but so completely until what's left is not only an empty vessel but an imploded one. Hate is dark space that is not just devoid of light but is dripping with itself, a darkness that is as deep as it is long which echoes for miles. When Love has run dry and Hope goes too all that is left is disdain and the monster that we call Hate. When Love is in question ev...