~Goodbye Jerk, Hello Truth~
I don't love you. I don't think I ever did. I loved the you I thought you were, the you that you made yourself seem like ~~A good,patient,loyal, ethical and morally good person full of love and hope,wise beyond your years and giving...I was going through the most difficult time in my life...My Mother had died, my Father was so ill he was unable to recognize his own family,my siblings suffering from Moms loss,my marriage being tested by all of the above,my kids suffering the loss of their Nana and Papa,the loss of my career, and childhood struggles resurfacing etc.... You offered me friendship and I saw in you what you pretended to be. I suppose it was easy for you to fool me because what I saw was what I also needed you to be...It was never a conscious choice to betray my own view of what you are. I believed what I saw in you with my own eyes, heart and I said what I believed. Sadly, I was not looking through clear eyes...Now you are gone and you refuse to talk to me.At first I was shocked,hurt and felt betrayed but now? It's kind of a relief. Because no matter how hard I tried to make things right, tried to make good on my promise of friendship, you never wanted my friendship. I see that so clearly now. What you wanted was to find a perfect friend...You used me, you acted one way and was the total opposite and did it to have me around when it was good for you and send me away when you wanted. No one can love you if you continue this way. I know I don't.
If you are so angry that you cannot forgive my mistake then you were either so taken by me that you can't see straight and now your heart is demolished OR you are so self involved that you would rather be alone to stand against imperfection then to be with someone who is human. Either way I feel bad for you because you will never find in this entire world a friend, either woman or man who is perfect. People say things sometimes based on their own beliefs ruled by their emotions not based in reality. People use their emotions sometimes to speak for them....Like when I said "I never" do this or "he never did that." It was my saying how I felt, not signing a deposition of oath.I see now that you were looking for reasons to find fault in me because you were so scared to really care for me...or anyone...The funny thing is that you are letting your emotions rule you and yet you were judging me for doing the same!
I hope you find some kind of happiness in your life time. I hope that you let go of this chip on your shoulder long enough to let someone into your heart. You cannot be happy if you hold everyone but yourself to high standards that are unrealistic. I am glad I know finally what you are and how you see the world. It saved me the trouble of finding it out years into our friendship. I don't know why you are the way you are...Maybe you feel like that the person who left you and died years ago died and left you on purpose and you're afraid to have your heart affected like that again. I don't know but real life is about taking chances and opening your heart..Maybe you have been so alone for so long that happiness scares you to death. Maybe when I was fighting for you, I said too many things that were too true and you know you can't hide the real you from me. I am sorry that I saw the truth, not for me but for you. I knew very quickly that you were mostly talk and that you couldn't follow your own advice. I knew that you had this strange,unrealistic way at looking at life,and the people in it and that you kept and keep yourself from being heartbroken by never putting yourself out there. Otherwise you would have been the one to try a little, come to me and not expect me to go to you and so on.
Today is a new day for me, the beginning of my happiness and the end of allowing others to decide my worth and happiness. I have many things to work on to find out why I allow people like you to infiltrate my life and direct it. I have to find my own way to believe in my self-worth. Begin to let No one else decide who I am and what I am worth. Let's face it, no one will ever know me like I do, no one can know what is best for me anymore than anyone can know whats best for you. Only I can decide what is good for me and what I am doing and why...I do hope that you find happiness and that you find a person, a friend or whatever, that makes you want to be happy and makes you work through your selfishness to give to others...You play the game like you care,you show yourself to others as if you truly have a heart that is affected by others but at the end of the day you are all about you....I am happy to say this at least~ I am not about you anymore...That decision was so simply made...It happened when I extended a hand and apology to you and you pushed me away. If you ever really cared about me, ever, you may not have made a try at being my friend again because of the fact that I was emotionally broken and messed up but you would have at least forgiven me for the fact that I am human,that I said I was wrong and did say I was sorry. No one can or should ever try to make you feel one way or another, its in Your control to feel how you feel about yourself and others. I am taking back control of my opinion of myself. All I ever did wrong was to lean on you-like you told me to-and be vulnerable to you when my world felt like it was crashing down around me. I pushed you away after you pushed me away over and over.I did it because somewhere inside of me I knew,even before I was strong enough to admit it, that you are not what I thought you were and that you would eventually break my heart in order to keep yourself from feeling real love. I made a good choice and then when I thought I was wrong and doubted myself I reached out and apologized...I am sorry. But not for being me, I am sorry for giving you chance after chance to try to change me. If you loved me or cared at all you wouldn't be trying to change me, you would love me for me.
Goodbye...
~Stacy J. Roosa
8/16/2010
If you are so angry that you cannot forgive my mistake then you were either so taken by me that you can't see straight and now your heart is demolished OR you are so self involved that you would rather be alone to stand against imperfection then to be with someone who is human. Either way I feel bad for you because you will never find in this entire world a friend, either woman or man who is perfect. People say things sometimes based on their own beliefs ruled by their emotions not based in reality. People use their emotions sometimes to speak for them....Like when I said "I never" do this or "he never did that." It was my saying how I felt, not signing a deposition of oath.I see now that you were looking for reasons to find fault in me because you were so scared to really care for me...or anyone...The funny thing is that you are letting your emotions rule you and yet you were judging me for doing the same!
I hope you find some kind of happiness in your life time. I hope that you let go of this chip on your shoulder long enough to let someone into your heart. You cannot be happy if you hold everyone but yourself to high standards that are unrealistic. I am glad I know finally what you are and how you see the world. It saved me the trouble of finding it out years into our friendship. I don't know why you are the way you are...Maybe you feel like that the person who left you and died years ago died and left you on purpose and you're afraid to have your heart affected like that again. I don't know but real life is about taking chances and opening your heart..Maybe you have been so alone for so long that happiness scares you to death. Maybe when I was fighting for you, I said too many things that were too true and you know you can't hide the real you from me. I am sorry that I saw the truth, not for me but for you. I knew very quickly that you were mostly talk and that you couldn't follow your own advice. I knew that you had this strange,unrealistic way at looking at life,and the people in it and that you kept and keep yourself from being heartbroken by never putting yourself out there. Otherwise you would have been the one to try a little, come to me and not expect me to go to you and so on.
Today is a new day for me, the beginning of my happiness and the end of allowing others to decide my worth and happiness. I have many things to work on to find out why I allow people like you to infiltrate my life and direct it. I have to find my own way to believe in my self-worth. Begin to let No one else decide who I am and what I am worth. Let's face it, no one will ever know me like I do, no one can know what is best for me anymore than anyone can know whats best for you. Only I can decide what is good for me and what I am doing and why...I do hope that you find happiness and that you find a person, a friend or whatever, that makes you want to be happy and makes you work through your selfishness to give to others...You play the game like you care,you show yourself to others as if you truly have a heart that is affected by others but at the end of the day you are all about you....I am happy to say this at least~ I am not about you anymore...That decision was so simply made...It happened when I extended a hand and apology to you and you pushed me away. If you ever really cared about me, ever, you may not have made a try at being my friend again because of the fact that I was emotionally broken and messed up but you would have at least forgiven me for the fact that I am human,that I said I was wrong and did say I was sorry. No one can or should ever try to make you feel one way or another, its in Your control to feel how you feel about yourself and others. I am taking back control of my opinion of myself. All I ever did wrong was to lean on you-like you told me to-and be vulnerable to you when my world felt like it was crashing down around me. I pushed you away after you pushed me away over and over.I did it because somewhere inside of me I knew,even before I was strong enough to admit it, that you are not what I thought you were and that you would eventually break my heart in order to keep yourself from feeling real love. I made a good choice and then when I thought I was wrong and doubted myself I reached out and apologized...I am sorry. But not for being me, I am sorry for giving you chance after chance to try to change me. If you loved me or cared at all you wouldn't be trying to change me, you would love me for me.
Goodbye...
~Stacy J. Roosa
8/16/2010
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