Learning to Live With Loss

Sometimes we are own worst enemies and other times we are our own guards...And sometimes in protecting ourselves we are the first thing all over again, our own worst enemies. I have been there, trying so hard to keep myself in check, to keep my heart from inevitably falling for another that in trying to save myself the anguish of possible let down by another human being I have created a prison of my own discontent and lack of self esteem. In the end all I got was what I deserved by doing this-Being alone and lonely.
~How does one open up to someone and let the walls come shattering to the ground when the other is just as guarded.No, I am not just talking about being the first one to kiss the other or to mumble those three scary words of "I love you" since it can never really get far enough down the road to even allow for that possibility. No, I am speaking of knowing another and finding out along the way that they are everything you want but while you are guarded the fortress of your heart looks like a childs game compared to the man you want...They are so well armed, so deeply protected that just to peek over their walls you have to find the thinest of cracks and when you do finally find that weak spot they quickly seal it...Is there no hope when it comes to a man or woman who has so much fear of pain, so many memories of hurt, that you can find away in? Is it their wall of fear that keeps you at Bay?
~Or was it always me. See, I am a fool when It comes to love.  Sure, I have pushed away my share of people but any man that really fights for me,that sticks it out to spite my deepest fears and meanest actions will find away clear of the gate. When I have not made it as far as the road to such place with a man I decide it must be me, it must be that I am not the "one" for him. When I first met my husband so long ago I was locked up behind strong and tall fortress walls. Although I dated him I was mean at times. When he would tell me I was beautiful I would roll my eyes and call him blind.When He said he loved me I would warn him that he will change his mind when he really gets to know me and when he asked me to marry me, not once but three times, I said no.  Then one day I turned around to see him holding the door for me, looking at me with this deep and sure love in his eyes and realized that this man had put up with a whole lot of crap from me for a very long time and was still there. Really there, fighting and still wanting me to spite my being indifferent to him and sometimes very mean. No matter how many things I did to make him run, to make him see my imperfections and the deep scars that had caused me to be emotionless, he was still waiting for me. I ended up waking up one day and seeing him for who he was and his fight for me as something real and I, too, fell in love. Of course, as soon as I did so he was all "I got you so I don't need to try as hard anymore."
~Such is love. I have given up on the romantic idea of love. After a few months of making googly eyes at each other and feeling such love in our hearts that it feels like it will over flow it becomes,well, tolerable. If we forever felt the way we do in the first few months, the "honeymoon period" then we would never be truly us I guess. Although, I would like to try that romantic,head over heals feeling for a few years just to see....Its sad that the person we might spend forever with is the very person who we grow indifferent to all over again in certain ways. The secret seems to be that you have to keep trying, keep romancing the other and treat them with all the love and respect you had for them when you first fell for them.
~Still, I am lost when it comes to certain men in my life. Not that I pine for anyone of them but I do wonder at times where I went wrong or, at least, never went right. I don't know now and maybe never will but it seems like the men that we get all crazy and goofy for aren't ready for us and vice versa. One relationship in particular will always have a place in my heart. Is it because he is the "one that got away" so to speak? I don't know,I never will either. As long as he was protecting himself the way he did I would never really have gotten to know the real him. Was I in love with the idea of Love? Maybe. Yet, I really did like everything about him. I could imagine a life with him but more than that I couldn't imagine my life without him. That scared the hell out of me. I pushed him away once that feeling came. I became a prisoner of my own doubt, let silly things bother me and  allowed jealousy to use my voice. I realize now that when I did all these things I knew somewhere inside that it would either make him fight for me and therefore make me see past my own doubt or push him away hence proving that I was right in my feeling that he didn't care enough for me. Did I sit awake nights planning our relationships demise? Did I know that what I was doing was going to make him fight or flee? No, back then I could not make sense of all my thoughts and actions. (No more that I can today unless I have a chance to really stand back and see without feeling and that is a difficult thing to come by.) I didn't realize that my heart was playing his to see if he was in it for the long haul. I just wasn't in my right mind being in love and all. Still the truth is my heart did play to see, my arms pushed, my feet ran and when I looked back to see if he was still there, behind me and fighting he was nowhere to be found...I deserve a man who would fight for me.We all do.
~That is the past and that's just where it stays...I am working on me and while I will never be able to know exactly why I do things and for what reason, I can listen to my own voice inside. If the person, be it a friend or my husband, can't deal with my need to vocalize and show my fears, then I am better off alone.

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