Getting Healthy

Yesterday I went to my doctor and today I will make an appointment with a therapist.It will be nice to finally have someone to talk to~Someone who is listening,yes,because I pay them to but who will have no interest in the results except to be able to say they helped me. Its difficult,I find people have stopped listening.Perhaps because I don't work or step foot out into the world so my conversation is limited but my own husband has difficulty remembering what I tell him.

So, today I woke up and actually had some energy.To spite only getting about 2 hours sleep, I felt revitalized and almost hopeful. I make some egg salad,did some dishes and have been poking around the internet. I am really excited to go christmas shopping and am just waiting for payday to go start and finish the gift shopping.Since I am only buying for our kids it won't be too difficult.

I have been thinking lots about Dad. He is gone from my life and although I know that he cannot help the decisions he is or is not making, I am not in any place to be a positive influence on him. I have been told by people who have seen him that his memory is very bad and that he is not with people who really care about him. What can I do??? I have tried more than anyone knows to take him under my protective wings and help him to live a respectful and dignified life but he has let the new"woman" be his leader. What she wants from him is nothing good. I hope I am wrong.I hope that she truly loves him and that she really isn't after all his money(not that he has much but he did work hard for it). Still, even the one person related to him and I won't seem to step in and make sure he is okay....

My brother will be out of jail in a few months. He says that he plans to live away from here to start a new life. I hope he does. I couldn't take him in here to live even if I had the room. I have to move on and take care of my family and myself. Its time to stop letting the guilt I feel rule me. Once I get healthy and can take a real good look at my life changes will be imminent~Some of them might be a surprise to friends and others even a shock to me. Still I have an idea of what I need to do to make my world a happy one~I just need to get strong, healthy and confident enough to do this.

As for my long lost friend~I hope you are here and you read this once in awhile. I don't know what I did to chase you away and although I know I owe you some explanations please remember this~I never lied to you when I said I was hurting and trying to find myself in all this mess. I may not have told you every detail of my life but did you ever think that maybe that was because I wasn't ready myself to face it? Until I can come to a safe place inside where the truth can help and not ruin me, I will not be ready to air it for other people to hear and see. I am a work in process and it was you who promised me that you were not running away. I never said that I wouldn't push you away-Actually, I warned you that I make quick and stupid decisions based on my untamed emotions.Not that you deserved me to push you away but I hoped that you of all people would have seen through my facade and stayed. That was the most painful thing...To push you away and have you never look back.You're probably gone and never think twice about me....Our friendship couldn't have meant much to you if that is the truth. I am here if you want to talk. Friendship means a lot to me and so do you.

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