~I Love You Still~

~When my heart gets hurt and feels the loss of  a person whose love for me stopped, I do not simply go cold,shut down my heart and stop loving back. If it were that easy I would be a happier yet emotionless person who didn't deserve any love. Although there are times when someone comes in and makes a huge mess of my life then leaves me in the middle of it all while they go onto their next victim, but my heart cannot just stop loving them. I am in the midst of this now~I love someone who has proved again and again,over and over, to have nothing in their heart for me except possible hate, and I cannot give him what he deserves...Instead I find myself sad and wishing it were different even though there is almost nothing that I could have done to change the outcome.
~I go on day after day pretending it doesn't bother me that he doesn't care for me, that it doesn't break my heart to go days, weeks and months without a word from him...I don't understand. Once again life has taken someone from me and turned them into a sort of anomaly. While "he" goes about his life happy and none the worse for me not being there, I hurt. Yes, there are times when I get really, truly angry at him and wish I could just make myself deplore him. There are moments when I think back over memories and wonder if they were real at all-I feel like I am stuck watching back a movie that was never even a breath in reality. Why? Why can I not separate what Was for what is no more?  Why can't I separate what was real and good, sweet and true from now, when everything between him and I is over?
~I will most likely never hear from him again. He has made it clear that I am not important enough, not worth enough to fight for... He has walked away and is not looking back and all I can do is make amends with that reality, be angry or sad or both and then let him and those hurt feelings go in the wind...Sometimes I wish he was like the paper I write my heart out on...Then I could simply rip him up into a thousand little pieces and let him go in the wind. Wouldn't that be so nice, so freeing. I can though. I am closer than ever to realizing that he doesn't care for me, doesn't love me, and maybe never did. I am so close that I can feel the walls in and around my heart growing taller and thicker as I breathe. It will be so much easier next time to close myself off to hope. Its easy to be hopeless when no one has fought for you...

Comments

Post a Comment

Have something to add?

Popular posts from this blog

Reaching out is the most difficult part

Apparently in spite of all the good things in my life I am currently caught, again, in the tight grip of depression. While I've experienced it most of my life, I can't always recognize that is has me until I'm well imprisoned by it's firm hold. One minute I'm laughing and enjoying the little things in life, the next I'm struggling with ugly, broken thoughts. And like pieces of glass in my head, the thoughts cut into the flesh and leave me bleeding only darkness. When I am in a depressive state I am not sad all the time. There isn't some large black cloud that follows me everywhere. If we are to compare it to weather, which I usually do not, I honestly feel soothed by the darkness because the sunshine is too much a reminder of what I should or could be. Depression for me is eating to try to fill the empty spaces inside. It's denying the sunshine by closing all the blinds. It's sitting at the dining room table with Jesse's family and my own dau...
Read more

~Your loss, My Gain~

Image
Okay, so its over. I wrote you an e-mail along with the blog, asked you to consider working through our problems to get back to our friendship but you have gone unseen and unheard. I should not be surprised. In fact, I should be relieved as I feel that I am the one who fought for us while you just rode the waves. I am a woman, lost at times, full of self-doubt and feelings of abandonment. Sadly, having issues like these can make maintaining a long-distance friendship hard. Even more difficult is when the other person goes along fine,it seems, but is never honest about their feelings like I believe you weren't. It's very possible that all that we went through was my fault and that I made it a mess from day one but you won't voice your emotions so how can I see anything but my side? I really wanted to see yours but I couldn't, you wouldn't let me. My last e-mail I asked you to come chat, to talk about what happened, or didn't happen, to cause me to think tha...
Read more

~ The Silencing Of An Abused Voice ~

When you go through life feeling almost everything that happens around you, it can be very difficult to separate your heart from your mind and what you feel from what you know.  Most thoughts are rooted in emotions when you feel so much.  Your perception of the world and how it views you is influenced by your own self-worth. Perhaps over feeling everything has to do with being abused~ At least for me. Sexually, mentally and physically~ All forms of abuse can eat away at the core of self worth and become so overwhelming that in time it's all one can do to not pick everything apart-even compliments-for some hidden insult. It's exhausting, to say the least, and it can put a lot of distance between yourself and others.  As if you aren't lonely enough in that dark and cold place, you become a victim of your own thoughts, doubts and worries. You feel shame for the abuse because in your heart, you wonder what you did to deserve it, to cause it. Your brain tells you that these...
Read more