Depression
~I have been so very depressed the past two years. It's the worst depression I have known in my 36 years of life.I cannot sleep at night for fear of the outside world breaking in and possible fire or other unfathomable things and then I sleep on and off all day. I don't eat, I don't want to do anything and then when I do get the smallest of a flicker of hope that makes me want to go out of the house it gets swallowed up by fear of what will happen when I do go out. Agoraphobia, depression, anxiety, sadness,loss, fears, and on and on. The written word is the only thing I have that won't expect anything from me, won't be let down by me and doesn't look to me for more than I can give.
~When did it happen? I was a vivacious, outgoing,friendly and hopeful woman who was a Mom, wife, and friend. I ran a house for single parents struggling with drug and alcohol addiction. To spite some normal self-doubt tripping me up every now and then, I had many things going for me. Finally I was making money and contributing to the household after being a stay-at-home Mom for many years. Finally to spite the incessant pain in my back and knees I was getting enough exercise to deal with the pain.My Mom was alive and smiling. Although her body had gone through half a dozen surgeries and we had moved into my parents home for about a year to help out, she and Dad were doing good and it was sadly apparent that we were not going to live in my family home for very long.We found a house a street over.Close enough to still help out with daily chores but far enough away that my father, who was annoyed easily by noise and the energy of children, could feel better and, we hoped, enjoy his time alone with my Mother.Things weren't perfect but they were good.I could pay my bills, I was leaving the house, I felt alive and a part of society. Kevin was still "unemployed"but we were okay with that since it meant that I could work without worry that a snow day or sick child would keep me from working.
~Then Kevin was offered a job driving cross country.He would be gone a week or more at a time and I would have no help if the winter weather closed schools. He was getting more and more fire and Ems calls daily at the towns volunteer fire department.He was calling me at work warning me that he was on his way to a fire call and I may need to leave work early so the kids wouldn't come home to an empty, locked house. Mom was working the same shifts as me and anyway, I never wanted to treat her like a live in babysitter.Dad was too ill really to be left alone with the kids for any amount of time. Not to mention being a stay-at-home Mom for so many years, I never had to secure a daily sitter. I would've had a difficult time with that idea anyway since I didn't truly trust anyone to be with my kids thanks to my own history...
~Here we were living a street away from Mom and Dad, me trying to work, Kevin gone on his 7-10 day excursion to California and back and the snow always seemed to be falling and the ice coating the streets. I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. My boss who was a woman, shared with me how lucky she had always been because her own Mother was at her beckon call when she needed to work or do anything at all. My boss, we'll call her sandy, didn't understand my predicament. She often shared with me that she didn't respect the fact that I would bow to Kevin and his job or volunteer fire calls. I had no way to disagree. Kevin had been the bread winner, the one who held 3-4 jobs at a time and brought in the health insurance. While I was home raising the kids and we hardly saw him but 2 hours a day, Kevin was the hard worker. I didn't know how to stop yielding to his needs and to start putting my foot down. If I was an old pro and had worked all the 13 years that my kids were alive I would have had a strong support system in both sitters, friends who could pick up the kids from school last minute and all sorts of ways to bypass a day where I would have to call out of work because the kids had a snow day. Fear and lack of experience kept me from creating that support system I would always find an excuse for why this person wouldn't work out as a last minute sitter or that person couldn't be trusted, etc...It was fear and worry of the unknown that made me useless when it came to giving up control of my children. Yes, that's it! Lack of control.See, I am just realizing, I had control; over their day to day life for so long that suddenly I needed to give into the reality that I would have days that I might not be able to be sure their homework was done in my timely manner, clothes picked out and laid out for the next day, showers,dinners and so on not taken care of and controlled by me. I was so used to being and doing everything for the kids that being a working Mom scared the hell out of me!
~Everything that was already happening to my self-esteem got worse ten-fold. It was like the world and everything in it went upside down. I slept during the day, tossed and turned all night, couldn't eat,drink,smile. I tried to be Me for the kids. I tried to be okay for Kevin but I was anything but. I quit my job-my dream job,really,stopped going out of the house. I couldn't smell or taste, feel or think anymore. A depression moved over and all around me. It took over me like a bubble. Everyone who knew Mom was sad to say the least. No one knew what to do without her or how to go forward but some of us still don't know how to begin.
~Dad who had been so affected by several strokes continued his relationship with the woman he met in the hospital. I figured it was more out of fear of dealing with his loss of my Mom then anything else. It wasn't long before Dad's health got worse and he was in the hospital. This new stroke took away all his cognitive thinking and reasoning and left him a shell of himself. Unable to do the things we are taught to at age 3 and up, Dad went through a lot of therapy. He now can read and write a little. He cannot drive and his memory is not at all what it was. He remembers Mom though. I worry about the guilt he feels. See, when Mom died he had left her for the other woman and then come back. Mom being so wonderful and selfless took dad back. No matter how many times the doctors and I tried to explain it to Mom, she couldn't understand that the strokes robbed Dad of the very emotions he had before. He adored Mom. No matter how grumpy, anti-social, angry at the world and selfish, Dad had only Mom forever in his heart.He loved her like no man I have ever seen. she was everything to him. Then the strokes took it all away. He cries now when I talk about Mom. I think he realizes that he caused her profound sadness and a broken heart.
~Mom must have felt betrayed by so many people when she died. Dad, work, some close friends. No one did anything to her to hurt her, I believe. It was dad's stroke and her employers need to be sure that they had someone who could run the place without fear of more impending poor health. The woman who ran it was also a close friend to Mom. Things had happened, too sad to write, but something that had put Mom's love and pride of her career in question by someone who was NOT Mom. Mom didn't defend the act because the act was done by none other than one of her own children and things got really strained. Suddenly a career mom had had for 25 plus years was no longer the world where she felt loved and needed, adored and protected. Its sad because it never should have happened. It was not any ones fault but Mom's loved one who was really trying only to protect Mom but ended up hurting her.Sadly when Mom passed away that February day she had had her heart broken by her relationships with both Dad and her beloved workplace.
~There is so much more to say. I want to talk about my heart break and how since he has gone I am no longer happy. I am so sad and depressed. I feel like the one man who should have loved me, who did for so long, doesn't even think of me anymore. Maybe he even hates me. I will rest my mind and my fingers and come back and write about that soon. For now, I have said enough....
~When did it happen? I was a vivacious, outgoing,friendly and hopeful woman who was a Mom, wife, and friend. I ran a house for single parents struggling with drug and alcohol addiction. To spite some normal self-doubt tripping me up every now and then, I had many things going for me. Finally I was making money and contributing to the household after being a stay-at-home Mom for many years. Finally to spite the incessant pain in my back and knees I was getting enough exercise to deal with the pain.My Mom was alive and smiling. Although her body had gone through half a dozen surgeries and we had moved into my parents home for about a year to help out, she and Dad were doing good and it was sadly apparent that we were not going to live in my family home for very long.We found a house a street over.Close enough to still help out with daily chores but far enough away that my father, who was annoyed easily by noise and the energy of children, could feel better and, we hoped, enjoy his time alone with my Mother.Things weren't perfect but they were good.I could pay my bills, I was leaving the house, I felt alive and a part of society. Kevin was still "unemployed"but we were okay with that since it meant that I could work without worry that a snow day or sick child would keep me from working.
~Then Kevin was offered a job driving cross country.He would be gone a week or more at a time and I would have no help if the winter weather closed schools. He was getting more and more fire and Ems calls daily at the towns volunteer fire department.He was calling me at work warning me that he was on his way to a fire call and I may need to leave work early so the kids wouldn't come home to an empty, locked house. Mom was working the same shifts as me and anyway, I never wanted to treat her like a live in babysitter.Dad was too ill really to be left alone with the kids for any amount of time. Not to mention being a stay-at-home Mom for so many years, I never had to secure a daily sitter. I would've had a difficult time with that idea anyway since I didn't truly trust anyone to be with my kids thanks to my own history...
~Here we were living a street away from Mom and Dad, me trying to work, Kevin gone on his 7-10 day excursion to California and back and the snow always seemed to be falling and the ice coating the streets. I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. My boss who was a woman, shared with me how lucky she had always been because her own Mother was at her beckon call when she needed to work or do anything at all. My boss, we'll call her sandy, didn't understand my predicament. She often shared with me that she didn't respect the fact that I would bow to Kevin and his job or volunteer fire calls. I had no way to disagree. Kevin had been the bread winner, the one who held 3-4 jobs at a time and brought in the health insurance. While I was home raising the kids and we hardly saw him but 2 hours a day, Kevin was the hard worker. I didn't know how to stop yielding to his needs and to start putting my foot down. If I was an old pro and had worked all the 13 years that my kids were alive I would have had a strong support system in both sitters, friends who could pick up the kids from school last minute and all sorts of ways to bypass a day where I would have to call out of work because the kids had a snow day. Fear and lack of experience kept me from creating that support system I would always find an excuse for why this person wouldn't work out as a last minute sitter or that person couldn't be trusted, etc...It was fear and worry of the unknown that made me useless when it came to giving up control of my children. Yes, that's it! Lack of control.See, I am just realizing, I had control; over their day to day life for so long that suddenly I needed to give into the reality that I would have days that I might not be able to be sure their homework was done in my timely manner, clothes picked out and laid out for the next day, showers,dinners and so on not taken care of and controlled by me. I was so used to being and doing everything for the kids that being a working Mom scared the hell out of me!
~Everything that was already happening to my self-esteem got worse ten-fold. It was like the world and everything in it went upside down. I slept during the day, tossed and turned all night, couldn't eat,drink,smile. I tried to be Me for the kids. I tried to be okay for Kevin but I was anything but. I quit my job-my dream job,really,stopped going out of the house. I couldn't smell or taste, feel or think anymore. A depression moved over and all around me. It took over me like a bubble. Everyone who knew Mom was sad to say the least. No one knew what to do without her or how to go forward but some of us still don't know how to begin.
~Dad who had been so affected by several strokes continued his relationship with the woman he met in the hospital. I figured it was more out of fear of dealing with his loss of my Mom then anything else. It wasn't long before Dad's health got worse and he was in the hospital. This new stroke took away all his cognitive thinking and reasoning and left him a shell of himself. Unable to do the things we are taught to at age 3 and up, Dad went through a lot of therapy. He now can read and write a little. He cannot drive and his memory is not at all what it was. He remembers Mom though. I worry about the guilt he feels. See, when Mom died he had left her for the other woman and then come back. Mom being so wonderful and selfless took dad back. No matter how many times the doctors and I tried to explain it to Mom, she couldn't understand that the strokes robbed Dad of the very emotions he had before. He adored Mom. No matter how grumpy, anti-social, angry at the world and selfish, Dad had only Mom forever in his heart.He loved her like no man I have ever seen. she was everything to him. Then the strokes took it all away. He cries now when I talk about Mom. I think he realizes that he caused her profound sadness and a broken heart.
~Mom must have felt betrayed by so many people when she died. Dad, work, some close friends. No one did anything to her to hurt her, I believe. It was dad's stroke and her employers need to be sure that they had someone who could run the place without fear of more impending poor health. The woman who ran it was also a close friend to Mom. Things had happened, too sad to write, but something that had put Mom's love and pride of her career in question by someone who was NOT Mom. Mom didn't defend the act because the act was done by none other than one of her own children and things got really strained. Suddenly a career mom had had for 25 plus years was no longer the world where she felt loved and needed, adored and protected. Its sad because it never should have happened. It was not any ones fault but Mom's loved one who was really trying only to protect Mom but ended up hurting her.Sadly when Mom passed away that February day she had had her heart broken by her relationships with both Dad and her beloved workplace.
~There is so much more to say. I want to talk about my heart break and how since he has gone I am no longer happy. I am so sad and depressed. I feel like the one man who should have loved me, who did for so long, doesn't even think of me anymore. Maybe he even hates me. I will rest my mind and my fingers and come back and write about that soon. For now, I have said enough....
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