~Kids and Bullying~
~To spite what the news and parents of today's kids think, bullying is not new. It has been around since the days of cave men, I'm sure, and will still be alive and "well" many centuries from now. Bullying is born from low self-esteem and fear of anyone or anything different. At least that is my take on it... For a boy or girl who is feeling bad about themselves, maybe feels inferior to another and wants to hide it by puffing up their own chest and acting the part of someone who is sure of themselves, the act of putting down another person is meant to make the bully feel better about themselves. I have a theory though, backed by my own day of being a bully, that they don't feel better for having bullied but instead worse. Who can truly feel better about themselves when they are making another human being hurt? Unless a person was born with no working conscience or they are void of all sympathies toward another because of drugs or some other emotion-killing toxin, no person could walk away feeling like they did something good after verbally or physically attacking another.
~So, why does it continue? Why do kids go to lengths of bullying that could and have ended in death? Just in the last few months 6 young men have been bullied to the point where they have committed suicide and or been killed because of their sexual orientation. Two Thursdays ago my kids and their classmates were asked to wear the color purple, if they chose to, in an effort to take a stand against bullying.As far as I know it was world wide campaign to fight the crime of tormenting others. Whether because sexual orientation, race,sex or any other reason, bullying is not new but seems to have become very highly publicized. Does it happen more? Whether because a kid wearing out of date clothes or because a person is gay, there is no excuse for a person laying a hand on another. Still, its not just physical abuse that creates a tormented life. Some of us don't have to imagine this but picture this~You are a teenager, you already have doubts about yourself-What you wear, eat, how much you weigh, your hair do, your parents,siblings, losing friends to different schools or cliques, homework and grades, extracurricular activities-It is a very strange,busy and emotionally charged time of a person's life. No imagine not only are you second guessing what you wore, said or did but another person-or group of people-constantly harassing, berating and laughing at you. From the time you board the school bus until the bell at the end of the day, you are always on your guard knowing that around the next corner someone may be waiting to take aim at your very reason for being.
~Some kids are lucky enough to be brought up in a home where just the right amount of encouragement, love and guidance can help to create a good,solid ego~Not someone who thinks the world revolves around themselves or on the other side believes the world would be better off without them...As a Mother I can tell you, I always worry that I am doing too much or not enough applause,getting to into their lives or not deeply enough, not enough guiding or too much leading...As parents as long as we hope that our love for our kids will be enough,,,Yet we also need to learn to balance teaching them humiliation with pride, self-worth with selflessness and caring about being a part of a group and still being strong enough to stand on their own. My son suffers with one of the most difficult thing in the teenage years. He is on top of the world when he is liked by his peers yet on the bottom of his self-esteem when one person doesn't like him. Did I make him this way because I and my Mom always applauded him when he would do puzzles and other childhood things correctly when he was a toddler? Did I make him overly sensitive to what others thought about him because I would tell him how much I loved him, loved what he drew, thought what he was doing was the biggest and best? As time went on and I had a second child of course I had missed chances to applaud and be his biggest fan and with that truth I hoped that I would find his inner voice cheering him on but maybe when I stopped clapping so much his self-esteem dropped? No, I just cannot believe that his image of self is so connected to me as his audience....Right? See, if we are good parents, if we really care about our kids we will forever question what is best for our kids. I'm sorry but I think that parents who think they know all the answers and stick to their answers like concrete are not giving themselves a chance to truly look over what they are doing and whether they are doing the best for their children. Whenever I see a Mom or Dad firmly answer a child's query with an answer with no pause and stick to it unwavering I wonder if they have really thought about their answer and what it means and therefore they are sure of it and give themselves no room to change it or if they are simply the kind of person who needs to be in control and not bothered. Being a parent we will make mistakes. As long as we make our way through life loving our children from birth to our own death(hopefully ours first) with love in our hearts and we don't make decisions out of pride,laziness or fear (that last one is a very tough one for me), and above all we do our best always taking a minute to breathe, to educate ourselves and carefully look into what our kids are doing, then we have to hope they will be okay.
~Bully or being bullied. I don't know which one is worse to be....Sure, the simple obvious answer seems to be the bully but what must that boy or girl think of themselves and what must be broken inside of them that they go at the world they don't understand with anger and hatred? When my kids have come home to me and told me that this boy called them this or that girl said that I first tell them that they have to listen to the positive voice in their own head and second I wonder out loud to my children what must be wrong with that child that they are so unhappy that they need to hurt others. I do this hoping that my kids will have an inside dialogue when they come across a not-so-friendly person who is fighting against the world. I show this voice to them hoping that they will not make excuses for others but that they can find compassion for others and their predicaments. No, there is NO excuse for a person to take out their anger, frustration or hate on another but often when people act our to hurt another we find out that they are part of a broken home, abused, or ignored.
~How do we deal with people who bully others? How do we put aside anger and lend a helpful hand or ear? No, most "bullies" aren't going to find the person they are bullying as an audience to their hurt. They will need to find someone who they trust, someone who they haven't hurt. Still, I bet ya that if you take any kid who is bullying and get down to the root of their problems, they are hurting badly and because of that they choose someone who seems vulnerable to them to take out their hurt on. One thing is for sure, there is nothing good that will come of a parent taking the problem of a bully into their own hands. The bullied child's parents can only work on the damage done to their child and tell the appropriate teachers or other officials at school but going up to their child's bully is not a good idea. I did it once.My son was 10 and a girl was bullying my son, calling him awful names and generally making his life uncomfortable. I might never have said anything but she happened to be at a school dance that I was at with my son.When he came back from the bathroom he said that she had cornered him and swore at him and called him a nasty string of names. When we were walking past her at the end of the night she was leaning into say something to my son and I suddenly found myself talking to her. To spite my anger I was very calm, matter-of-fact in tone and said, "you know,my son said that you have been picking on him for awhile. I have not called your Mom or your teacher YET but if you continue to swear at him and call him names I will. My son is a great kid and all he wants is to be liked. If you don't like him at least just ignore him.Okay?" She looked at me and her face got all red. I remember her saying "Okay" and walked away. Looking back now I don't know that my response was the best but it seemed to work. It could have turned out bad for me though if she went to her Mom and lied, saying I had said anything threatening. Lets face it, she bullied my son, lying was most likely not a stretch to her. I thought about this the other day when watching "Dr. Phil" and hearing that a father of a bullied girl jumped onto her school bus and threatened to kill the kids and bus driver if the name calling and physical altercations of his daughter didn't stop. I would like to write that I know I wouldn't go that far and I believe it to be true but a parent trying to protect their children can become pretty scary when pushed.
~I want to talk more about bullying but for now I will stop here with this blog. There is so much to say, so many ideas and worries going on in my head. I would love to hear from my readers on this subject if anyone feels like they want to add something. Send me an e-mail if you'd rather not post it here. Thanks for reading. Have a great one all!
~So, why does it continue? Why do kids go to lengths of bullying that could and have ended in death? Just in the last few months 6 young men have been bullied to the point where they have committed suicide and or been killed because of their sexual orientation. Two Thursdays ago my kids and their classmates were asked to wear the color purple, if they chose to, in an effort to take a stand against bullying.As far as I know it was world wide campaign to fight the crime of tormenting others. Whether because sexual orientation, race,sex or any other reason, bullying is not new but seems to have become very highly publicized. Does it happen more? Whether because a kid wearing out of date clothes or because a person is gay, there is no excuse for a person laying a hand on another. Still, its not just physical abuse that creates a tormented life. Some of us don't have to imagine this but picture this~You are a teenager, you already have doubts about yourself-What you wear, eat, how much you weigh, your hair do, your parents,siblings, losing friends to different schools or cliques, homework and grades, extracurricular activities-It is a very strange,busy and emotionally charged time of a person's life. No imagine not only are you second guessing what you wore, said or did but another person-or group of people-constantly harassing, berating and laughing at you. From the time you board the school bus until the bell at the end of the day, you are always on your guard knowing that around the next corner someone may be waiting to take aim at your very reason for being.
~Some kids are lucky enough to be brought up in a home where just the right amount of encouragement, love and guidance can help to create a good,solid ego~Not someone who thinks the world revolves around themselves or on the other side believes the world would be better off without them...As a Mother I can tell you, I always worry that I am doing too much or not enough applause,getting to into their lives or not deeply enough, not enough guiding or too much leading...As parents as long as we hope that our love for our kids will be enough,,,Yet we also need to learn to balance teaching them humiliation with pride, self-worth with selflessness and caring about being a part of a group and still being strong enough to stand on their own. My son suffers with one of the most difficult thing in the teenage years. He is on top of the world when he is liked by his peers yet on the bottom of his self-esteem when one person doesn't like him. Did I make him this way because I and my Mom always applauded him when he would do puzzles and other childhood things correctly when he was a toddler? Did I make him overly sensitive to what others thought about him because I would tell him how much I loved him, loved what he drew, thought what he was doing was the biggest and best? As time went on and I had a second child of course I had missed chances to applaud and be his biggest fan and with that truth I hoped that I would find his inner voice cheering him on but maybe when I stopped clapping so much his self-esteem dropped? No, I just cannot believe that his image of self is so connected to me as his audience....Right? See, if we are good parents, if we really care about our kids we will forever question what is best for our kids. I'm sorry but I think that parents who think they know all the answers and stick to their answers like concrete are not giving themselves a chance to truly look over what they are doing and whether they are doing the best for their children. Whenever I see a Mom or Dad firmly answer a child's query with an answer with no pause and stick to it unwavering I wonder if they have really thought about their answer and what it means and therefore they are sure of it and give themselves no room to change it or if they are simply the kind of person who needs to be in control and not bothered. Being a parent we will make mistakes. As long as we make our way through life loving our children from birth to our own death(hopefully ours first) with love in our hearts and we don't make decisions out of pride,laziness or fear (that last one is a very tough one for me), and above all we do our best always taking a minute to breathe, to educate ourselves and carefully look into what our kids are doing, then we have to hope they will be okay.
~Bully or being bullied. I don't know which one is worse to be....Sure, the simple obvious answer seems to be the bully but what must that boy or girl think of themselves and what must be broken inside of them that they go at the world they don't understand with anger and hatred? When my kids have come home to me and told me that this boy called them this or that girl said that I first tell them that they have to listen to the positive voice in their own head and second I wonder out loud to my children what must be wrong with that child that they are so unhappy that they need to hurt others. I do this hoping that my kids will have an inside dialogue when they come across a not-so-friendly person who is fighting against the world. I show this voice to them hoping that they will not make excuses for others but that they can find compassion for others and their predicaments. No, there is NO excuse for a person to take out their anger, frustration or hate on another but often when people act our to hurt another we find out that they are part of a broken home, abused, or ignored.
~How do we deal with people who bully others? How do we put aside anger and lend a helpful hand or ear? No, most "bullies" aren't going to find the person they are bullying as an audience to their hurt. They will need to find someone who they trust, someone who they haven't hurt. Still, I bet ya that if you take any kid who is bullying and get down to the root of their problems, they are hurting badly and because of that they choose someone who seems vulnerable to them to take out their hurt on. One thing is for sure, there is nothing good that will come of a parent taking the problem of a bully into their own hands. The bullied child's parents can only work on the damage done to their child and tell the appropriate teachers or other officials at school but going up to their child's bully is not a good idea. I did it once.My son was 10 and a girl was bullying my son, calling him awful names and generally making his life uncomfortable. I might never have said anything but she happened to be at a school dance that I was at with my son.When he came back from the bathroom he said that she had cornered him and swore at him and called him a nasty string of names. When we were walking past her at the end of the night she was leaning into say something to my son and I suddenly found myself talking to her. To spite my anger I was very calm, matter-of-fact in tone and said, "you know,my son said that you have been picking on him for awhile. I have not called your Mom or your teacher YET but if you continue to swear at him and call him names I will. My son is a great kid and all he wants is to be liked. If you don't like him at least just ignore him.Okay?" She looked at me and her face got all red. I remember her saying "Okay" and walked away. Looking back now I don't know that my response was the best but it seemed to work. It could have turned out bad for me though if she went to her Mom and lied, saying I had said anything threatening. Lets face it, she bullied my son, lying was most likely not a stretch to her. I thought about this the other day when watching "Dr. Phil" and hearing that a father of a bullied girl jumped onto her school bus and threatened to kill the kids and bus driver if the name calling and physical altercations of his daughter didn't stop. I would like to write that I know I wouldn't go that far and I believe it to be true but a parent trying to protect their children can become pretty scary when pushed.
~I want to talk more about bullying but for now I will stop here with this blog. There is so much to say, so many ideas and worries going on in my head. I would love to hear from my readers on this subject if anyone feels like they want to add something. Send me an e-mail if you'd rather not post it here. Thanks for reading. Have a great one all!
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