~It's All Inside, Learning To Live For Yourself~
Throughout my life when things were good and bad, when I was depressed or happy, through the utter amazement and happiness over the birth of both of my children, and the day in June 13 years ago when I became the wife to a wonderful,sweet and giving man that I love...Then to my parents illnesses,my Dad's loss of memory and the night I lost my Mom, I have always looked outward for both validation and comfort.To spite my own strength and the simple fact of all I have dealt with on my own, I still can't see~or won't recognize~ my own worth... I have dealt with so many things including my own share of ups and downs. In the end I imagine I will look back on my life with great happiness and fulfillment for my loved ones, family and all the friends I've loved. I,too, will have words of wisdom for others regarding my own experiences with being abused and hurt as well as many other difficult situations. What I want more than anything though is to be able to look into the eyes of another person whose heart is also too big for their own good, a person who is trying to save the world of so many while their own world drowns and tell her what I am saying to myself now~Life is a wonderful, scary and exciting place and your place in it can be so important and rich if you learn to love yourself, respect yourself and stop trying uselessly to help fix other people. You can only help people who want it, and you cannot change people to make them better people. Only someone who sees their imperfections can want to change and only when they see the consequences, can they change...Simply live and make yourself and the people who truly love you no matter what you do happy. Let the others, the haters and the people who don't live through their hearts, either turn their backs or learn by your example. Don't live for others,don't live to make others happy. Only you are the one who you have to face in the darkness, only you are the one who knows truly what is inside of you. Live for you.
~And I would be content if I live the next years of my life learning what this all means along with how to do it. It is not by asking everyone I love, "Am I handling this right?" It is only by listening to the moral and loving voice within me and checking my own gut to know if I have handled a matter or person the best I could. It is simply by trying to do the best I can and not simply wishing I did.
~Judgements come so easily to us as humans.We see another person make a big drama of their life or fall on their face and we want to either fix them or laugh. I am the kind of person that always roots for the underdog yet when someone does wrong because they can't see their way through it without being selfish, I feel awful for them. Often I find myself asking out loud or in my head,"How could this person do this, or that person do that?" The truth and judgement of their actions is not mine to make. What is in my control in my reaction, my decision as to whether I will let that person into my own world.
~As so many friends,loved ones and even readers know I am dealing with a person and a situation where I don't agree at all with the actions, reactions and moral compass(or lack thereof) of a certain relative. I have told my side because I felt pushed to. I was being hung out there, called a liar and a thief, put to others as a selfish person when all I have ever tried to do was be helpful,supportive and loving with all involved in my family. See, this is where I have to not just want to be wise,but have to make myself be wise and say to you and anyone who may ask,"I know what I did was right. I know that I did what I could to help my Father and Mother when they were in Need and to continue to help my father now that Mom is gone. It is sadly my siblings anger,selfishness and life that is driving her to do and say what she does. I am not going to be a part of it all anymore.I know the truth, I know the real story and if you know me you will too. If you chose to listen to my siblings side of the story and believe her based on that alone then I am fine with that.You are only fooling yourself and She is only digging deeper into the realm of fantasy,but its not in my control to fix it."
~That is it. I've said it,written it, I've had so many people tell me that what I am doing and feeling is right but it is not those people who have to deal with the problem, the pain that comes to me in the middle of the night, Only I can give myself the okay to feel angry, hurt and betrayal that my sibling has caused. Do I love her unconditionally? Yes.Still, love doesn't mean that I have to play her games, be her friend and fall with her when she falls. Loving her means that I tell her,warn her even, about the pain and the consequences of her actions then stand back and let her do what she will. I tried my entire childhood to save her from bad decisions but short of living her life for her only she can make any and all choices...And she has and continues to no matter how many times I try to point her in the right direction.
~Today is a new day.I have 2 kids,a overworked,supportive husband and myself to worry about. I can only support and aid the people who want me to support and aid them. Today is the day I put down my own need to repair the world and the people in my family and pick up the map to my own life and getting healthier. I have my anxiety, depression and agoraphobia to deal with and blast through as well as my back and knee issues. i have two kids who are beginning their first years of peer pressure regarding drug use and other things. I need to be ready and healthy for them. i need to believe in my own self worth, believe in my own voice and lead these innocent kids into the world of being caring,strong and productive adults who believe in themselves. My sibling had me for 20+ years.She may not remember me trying to guide her, or remember me giving up things so that I could help her but I remember. I pray with all my belief and might that she will find her way free of the malicious control of outside influences. I hope she will find herself,as I did, as the most important person in her own children's life and that she will stop lying to others,and more importantly, herself. I will no longer play her games or ride the roller coaster that was our life together. I will stand firm and proud.Not perfect and right, just tall and hopeful, and trying will everything inside of me to be a good,moral person and a great influence on my children. No one can claim the world as being their problem just as no one can truly believe that they and they alone can make everyone happy forever and all the time. I am one person, a human will flaws,imperfections and a real,deep love for others. I am talented,loving, giving and a loyal friend. Yet with all that I am, I am NOT a magician. Only my sister can change her actions and reactions. I can only change mine. Good luck in your life,Sister. I will forever love you and hold close to my heart what we shared together, as sisters and in our family. Yet I cannot, will not, and can no longer afford to put my life aside to live or try to fix yours...
~Stacy J. Roosa
8/20/2010
~And I would be content if I live the next years of my life learning what this all means along with how to do it. It is not by asking everyone I love, "Am I handling this right?" It is only by listening to the moral and loving voice within me and checking my own gut to know if I have handled a matter or person the best I could. It is simply by trying to do the best I can and not simply wishing I did.
~Judgements come so easily to us as humans.We see another person make a big drama of their life or fall on their face and we want to either fix them or laugh. I am the kind of person that always roots for the underdog yet when someone does wrong because they can't see their way through it without being selfish, I feel awful for them. Often I find myself asking out loud or in my head,"How could this person do this, or that person do that?" The truth and judgement of their actions is not mine to make. What is in my control in my reaction, my decision as to whether I will let that person into my own world.
~As so many friends,loved ones and even readers know I am dealing with a person and a situation where I don't agree at all with the actions, reactions and moral compass(or lack thereof) of a certain relative. I have told my side because I felt pushed to. I was being hung out there, called a liar and a thief, put to others as a selfish person when all I have ever tried to do was be helpful,supportive and loving with all involved in my family. See, this is where I have to not just want to be wise,but have to make myself be wise and say to you and anyone who may ask,"I know what I did was right. I know that I did what I could to help my Father and Mother when they were in Need and to continue to help my father now that Mom is gone. It is sadly my siblings anger,selfishness and life that is driving her to do and say what she does. I am not going to be a part of it all anymore.I know the truth, I know the real story and if you know me you will too. If you chose to listen to my siblings side of the story and believe her based on that alone then I am fine with that.You are only fooling yourself and She is only digging deeper into the realm of fantasy,but its not in my control to fix it."
~That is it. I've said it,written it, I've had so many people tell me that what I am doing and feeling is right but it is not those people who have to deal with the problem, the pain that comes to me in the middle of the night, Only I can give myself the okay to feel angry, hurt and betrayal that my sibling has caused. Do I love her unconditionally? Yes.Still, love doesn't mean that I have to play her games, be her friend and fall with her when she falls. Loving her means that I tell her,warn her even, about the pain and the consequences of her actions then stand back and let her do what she will. I tried my entire childhood to save her from bad decisions but short of living her life for her only she can make any and all choices...And she has and continues to no matter how many times I try to point her in the right direction.
~Today is a new day.I have 2 kids,a overworked,supportive husband and myself to worry about. I can only support and aid the people who want me to support and aid them. Today is the day I put down my own need to repair the world and the people in my family and pick up the map to my own life and getting healthier. I have my anxiety, depression and agoraphobia to deal with and blast through as well as my back and knee issues. i have two kids who are beginning their first years of peer pressure regarding drug use and other things. I need to be ready and healthy for them. i need to believe in my own self worth, believe in my own voice and lead these innocent kids into the world of being caring,strong and productive adults who believe in themselves. My sibling had me for 20+ years.She may not remember me trying to guide her, or remember me giving up things so that I could help her but I remember. I pray with all my belief and might that she will find her way free of the malicious control of outside influences. I hope she will find herself,as I did, as the most important person in her own children's life and that she will stop lying to others,and more importantly, herself. I will no longer play her games or ride the roller coaster that was our life together. I will stand firm and proud.Not perfect and right, just tall and hopeful, and trying will everything inside of me to be a good,moral person and a great influence on my children. No one can claim the world as being their problem just as no one can truly believe that they and they alone can make everyone happy forever and all the time. I am one person, a human will flaws,imperfections and a real,deep love for others. I am talented,loving, giving and a loyal friend. Yet with all that I am, I am NOT a magician. Only my sister can change her actions and reactions. I can only change mine. Good luck in your life,Sister. I will forever love you and hold close to my heart what we shared together, as sisters and in our family. Yet I cannot, will not, and can no longer afford to put my life aside to live or try to fix yours...
~Stacy J. Roosa
8/20/2010
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