~The Gift of Love~
~I am confused and feeling very lonely...I can't stop crying yet I don't want to. It feels good to finally get this all out. I am not confused about my feelings regarding the ending of my marriage but instead how easy it was for my husband to walk away and start over. Like he just switched off a light...I am frightened too about my future... I still have the most difficult time seeing my life outside of this house and away from Kevin. Its all I've known for almost 17 years. Even though I know that even being alone would feel better than staying here, I still fear failure.
~More than the fear I have for losing my life as I know it I am so very scared of losing the one person who seems to get me and accept me as I am.Only 5months in and he knows more about me than most people.Often I don't have to say a word yet he knows what I am feeling. Its wonderful to have that with someone finally.
~I often feel like I don't deserve to be loved or to be happy. That's why I stayed here 10 years past our "expiration date". Kevin professed to being very happy and when I would share with him on countless occasions that I was lonely and needed to connect at any level and have some quality time outside of sharing a t.v. show, he would tell me later. Always later. Later never came. He made excuses for our distance saying that it would get better when the kids got older or when he worked less and so on. I wasn't asking for days of his life, I simply wanted a moment here or there. I was afraid of exactly what he was asking for---Him waiting until a better time and wasting it not opening his eyes to see that the kids are getting older and he is missing out on the best time to be close to them! After many, many years of fighting on my own I turned that loneliness inward and became angry with everyone but especially myself. I did what I always seem to----I hurt and punished myself instead of protecting me. I began to feel that I was weak and small because I knew if I had any self respect I would have put my foot down and said "Not LATER, NOW or Never!" I was scared that he would look at me and say,"OK, Never!" Of course as he always told me he loved me and that I was the only one for him he would tell me that what I needed was too much. If I asked him to take a day to be with the family or to skip a call for the volunteer fire dept. he would react by threatening to quit everything,even work so he could "stay home and stare at you.Will that make you happy when I give up everything for you?"...Yeah, sure. As if that was what I wanted. I simply wanted some real quality time.
~And I think now if he truly felt like I was the one and only for him then why is it that he is already seeing someone? I have nothing to be "proud" of on that subject yet I wasn't the one saying things were perfect and ignoring his plea to work together to fix us.He was.And you know what? Its his life.I really only want him to be happy. Enough... Its not something I am willing to spend anymore time on. I know that I have my own things to deal with. I cannot keep fighting for him and I if he won't even start.
~So, here I am about to get divorced, having no job because I gave it up for so many different reasons including being a stay at home mom, and I have nothing that is mine. Often I feel like I am alone, physically and mentally, and that I will never feel like I am part of a real relationship. I have to start over...I have to rebuild my life with pieces that are broken,missing or plain just never existed thanks to me giving up my identity to be his wife,their mom...Everyone else Stacy and never mine.
~While my life falls apart here over 3,000 miles away is the man I wish to be with.. I am so very lucky to have met Jesse. I would never have dreamed that I could be so happy at the same time as being so hurt. I was not looking to fall in love~ I was just looking for someone who would actually listen, try to understand and respect me.I love him so much and want to make him so very happy but at the moments when I should be enjoying what we are I become paralyzed by my fear of being abandoned. I am scared now that he is going to leave me because I am a lot of trouble...I know, if he really loves me he will be here for me through anything yet how much can one person take when I am trying to pull him close one minute then with fear,pushing him away the next?
~I often feel like I have nothing to offer him except a broken, twisted and scared version of me. I know that at this time he is loving and caring for me at my worst so I can't wait to show him my best. And if I don't scare him away with my craziness I am certain we will be very happy together. Yet when I find myself asking if I deserve him I realize that I am doing it to push him away...No, I don't do it consciously at all. Since I've met Jesse even as a friend he has shown me love in a way I have never witnessed forget about felt or received. I can't help but feel like its not mine to have or to hold. I know what I want, I feel the need like a deep, unquenchable thirst,but how can I have it? I fear that if I get too comfortable he will get sick of me and move on. No matter how deeply into his eyes I look, no matter how many times he tells me he loves and wants me in his life forever, I seem to be suffocating on my own self doubt. Its not him at all.It is simply me...When will I finally believe that I am worthy? Will it be before I push him away with all this mess inside of me? There are times I get so scared that instead of voicing it I turn away. Then I find myself alone. I have never EVER had a man fight for me. Never has someone I loved stayed long enough in those moments to realize I am not going too far...Its always the same. I get upset.I can't figure out what to do with my feelings so I hang up or walk away. Then a minute later I realize that I have pushed away the one person that could have made the confusion go away. So, I go back but he is gone. I have to chase him down. I often feel like I need to say I am sorry for needing time to freak out. I wonder, is it me? Do I not inspire people to fight for me? Am I not worth the fight? All I really need when I act like a silly child is for the person who I am with to hold me. I realize that its asking a lot since I have often made it difficult to hold on but its what I keep waiting for.
~I have been shown and offered the most beautiful gift that is Jesse's heart. I need to find a way to hold on and believe I deserve it before I lose him. The worst thing would be to know that true love exists for me only to have to chase it away from me...I know as I sit here that its up to me to take control and let go at the same time. I may doubt myself often but I do know that I deserve to be loved. If he can love me at my worst,which is now, then I know we will be amazing when I am soon at my best. It is his very love that is guiding me there!
May 14,2011
~More than the fear I have for losing my life as I know it I am so very scared of losing the one person who seems to get me and accept me as I am.Only 5months in and he knows more about me than most people.Often I don't have to say a word yet he knows what I am feeling. Its wonderful to have that with someone finally.
~I often feel like I don't deserve to be loved or to be happy. That's why I stayed here 10 years past our "expiration date". Kevin professed to being very happy and when I would share with him on countless occasions that I was lonely and needed to connect at any level and have some quality time outside of sharing a t.v. show, he would tell me later. Always later. Later never came. He made excuses for our distance saying that it would get better when the kids got older or when he worked less and so on. I wasn't asking for days of his life, I simply wanted a moment here or there. I was afraid of exactly what he was asking for---Him waiting until a better time and wasting it not opening his eyes to see that the kids are getting older and he is missing out on the best time to be close to them! After many, many years of fighting on my own I turned that loneliness inward and became angry with everyone but especially myself. I did what I always seem to----I hurt and punished myself instead of protecting me. I began to feel that I was weak and small because I knew if I had any self respect I would have put my foot down and said "Not LATER, NOW or Never!" I was scared that he would look at me and say,"OK, Never!" Of course as he always told me he loved me and that I was the only one for him he would tell me that what I needed was too much. If I asked him to take a day to be with the family or to skip a call for the volunteer fire dept. he would react by threatening to quit everything,even work so he could "stay home and stare at you.Will that make you happy when I give up everything for you?"...Yeah, sure. As if that was what I wanted. I simply wanted some real quality time.
~And I think now if he truly felt like I was the one and only for him then why is it that he is already seeing someone? I have nothing to be "proud" of on that subject yet I wasn't the one saying things were perfect and ignoring his plea to work together to fix us.He was.And you know what? Its his life.I really only want him to be happy. Enough... Its not something I am willing to spend anymore time on. I know that I have my own things to deal with. I cannot keep fighting for him and I if he won't even start.
~So, here I am about to get divorced, having no job because I gave it up for so many different reasons including being a stay at home mom, and I have nothing that is mine. Often I feel like I am alone, physically and mentally, and that I will never feel like I am part of a real relationship. I have to start over...I have to rebuild my life with pieces that are broken,missing or plain just never existed thanks to me giving up my identity to be his wife,their mom...Everyone else Stacy and never mine.
~While my life falls apart here over 3,000 miles away is the man I wish to be with.. I am so very lucky to have met Jesse. I would never have dreamed that I could be so happy at the same time as being so hurt. I was not looking to fall in love~ I was just looking for someone who would actually listen, try to understand and respect me.I love him so much and want to make him so very happy but at the moments when I should be enjoying what we are I become paralyzed by my fear of being abandoned. I am scared now that he is going to leave me because I am a lot of trouble...I know, if he really loves me he will be here for me through anything yet how much can one person take when I am trying to pull him close one minute then with fear,pushing him away the next?
~I often feel like I have nothing to offer him except a broken, twisted and scared version of me. I know that at this time he is loving and caring for me at my worst so I can't wait to show him my best. And if I don't scare him away with my craziness I am certain we will be very happy together. Yet when I find myself asking if I deserve him I realize that I am doing it to push him away...No, I don't do it consciously at all. Since I've met Jesse even as a friend he has shown me love in a way I have never witnessed forget about felt or received. I can't help but feel like its not mine to have or to hold. I know what I want, I feel the need like a deep, unquenchable thirst,but how can I have it? I fear that if I get too comfortable he will get sick of me and move on. No matter how deeply into his eyes I look, no matter how many times he tells me he loves and wants me in his life forever, I seem to be suffocating on my own self doubt. Its not him at all.It is simply me...When will I finally believe that I am worthy? Will it be before I push him away with all this mess inside of me? There are times I get so scared that instead of voicing it I turn away. Then I find myself alone. I have never EVER had a man fight for me. Never has someone I loved stayed long enough in those moments to realize I am not going too far...Its always the same. I get upset.I can't figure out what to do with my feelings so I hang up or walk away. Then a minute later I realize that I have pushed away the one person that could have made the confusion go away. So, I go back but he is gone. I have to chase him down. I often feel like I need to say I am sorry for needing time to freak out. I wonder, is it me? Do I not inspire people to fight for me? Am I not worth the fight? All I really need when I act like a silly child is for the person who I am with to hold me. I realize that its asking a lot since I have often made it difficult to hold on but its what I keep waiting for.
~I have been shown and offered the most beautiful gift that is Jesse's heart. I need to find a way to hold on and believe I deserve it before I lose him. The worst thing would be to know that true love exists for me only to have to chase it away from me...I know as I sit here that its up to me to take control and let go at the same time. I may doubt myself often but I do know that I deserve to be loved. If he can love me at my worst,which is now, then I know we will be amazing when I am soon at my best. It is his very love that is guiding me there!
May 14,2011
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