~In His Eyes~

When you've spent most of your life feeling like you weren't worth anything you tend to surround yourself with people who don't feel or show much respect for you. It's taken a lot of time and tears and I'm always going to have to work on myself, but I've found now with some self esteem as well as self respect that I've met a man who loves me better than I've ever imagined. It's true, you must love yourself first to give and feel true love!
I don't know why or when it happened but as a kid I became scared of people abandoning me...I have carried it with me and even to this day I let my self-doubt control my life. I can't count how many people I have pushed straight out of my life out of fear of them pushing me out first. Friends, boyfriends, relatives...I was so frightened of losing people I purposefully (unconsciously) lost them first.  I am so very lucky to be in a relationship with a man who is understanding and patient. I imagine when I become scared or doubt his love for me it must make him feel like I don't trust him. It must feel, too, like I have never believed what he's said to me when he's shared the gift of his heart with me. I don't know how I would feel if I were him, but it must feel exasperating as well as like trying to fill a bottomless bucket with water. How will you ever fill that bucket and keep it filled as long as there is a hole no matter what the size?? I imagine at times he feels defeated by my fear... I know I do...Yet the good news is that the hole is getting smaller as my self esteem grows. Every time he stays here in spite of me pushing him away. Each time he looks into my eyes he tells me what his heart is feeling.  All the time he shares with me, the promises and his memories he shares with me, the hole continues to shrink
It's so important though that I find my way through this dark and lonely place that is my self doubt through my own love for myself. I need to find strength, love and hope within myself. No one can put it here in my heart or head. No one can take away the painful memories of my past or make me not expect every man in my life to walk away after he's used and abused me.  There is no secret way or magic words to make my mind and heart forget about the years of torment I've felt. Yet there is one man who has taken the time and  every step since I met him to help make the path less painful and more rewarding...That man is Jesse, the most thoughtful, loving, romantic, handsome, funny, smart and selfless man I know. He is a hero to me. I don't use that word lightly either. He doesn't like me to call him that, but he is to me because of what he has done even before I knew him by serving our country and being the man he is in his personal life, but also because of what he has done to reawaken my hope and my once well-guarded heart. 

I was asleep when I met him. Only looking for attention after feeling like I was nothing.  I found out quickly that Jesse is not like other men I've known. Sure, he is only human and he isn't perfect but its the good and the imperfect things about him that made me fall in love with him. It was also the way he gives my pain a voice. He doesn't try to fix me or change me, but instead accepts me for the broken woman I am while having hope that I will mend. I have rarely met someone who hears what I've gone through, who doesn't use it against me but loves me for it. He knows that it is part of who I am but not all of me. He does something that almost no man ever has---He lets me voice and feel the pain of it while supporting me. Jesse feels my pain as much as he can for someone who has not been through it himself.  When I tell him how wonderful he is he always says he is no one special, that he is just a man and nothing else. Yet he doesn't even know what I see and feel when I look at him...When I hear him say my name or when he comes here to read my blog (on his own even, without me asking). I think that he is best thing that has happened to me and while I love him for reasons that have nothing to do with me or him loving me, I also selfishly love him for how he makes me feel about me....The way I feel when he looks at me is all I need when I am down. He is one person who can make me laugh straight from crying! He looks at me and in his eyes I actually see myself for a moment the way he sees me...Worthy, pretty, smart, loving and lovable. He makes me want to be more and do more and yet he never wants me to change. And on top of all of that he tells me that as painful as it would be for his heart, if I were to find happiness without him he would let me go. I believe he would. Because of Jesse I feel loved like I have never known and I feel love like nothing I've never felt.  No one can promise the future for us so there is no way to know if we will be together for sure, yet I know its what I want. I know also that if for some reason tomorrow I were to die or he were to leave that I would have known enough love from him and in me to carry me through to forever. So, while I know that I must be happy with myself, by myself and through myself, I am finally able to see that I am worthy of love because of what Jesse has given me. Real, true Love. I only hope I can give back to him all the love and respect he deserves...I want to make him smile everyday while filling his life and heart with endless love. I want to be able to share with him my life and love. After all, he is the one helping to teach me that I am worthy.. I love you Jesse now and forever and back again.
~Stacy J Roosa 
5/16/2011

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