~If You Wonder Why~
~Someday down the road you might just stop in the middle of a thought and wonder, "How did I lose her, my wife of 14 years? Why did she go?" My own words might even come to you too and maybe this time you will listen unlike the other hundred times you didn't...
~I am leaving for the same reason that I am sitting out here alone writing to a computer-because all the pain and joy that is inside of my heart went unheard by you. I tried so many times, even tonight, to reach out to you. I explained in every way I knew how to that I feel alone. There were and are no magic words to say. I wasn't even looking to you for an answer. All I really wanted all those many times was to have you reach out to me, to take me in your arms and tell me that I am going to be okay and that you will always stand beside me. I truly don't understand why those words were so difficult for you to say. I've even told you on many occasions the words I was searching for. But how many times was I going to cry and wrap my own arms around myself while you-only a few short feet away-said you didn't know what to say? How many television programs, fire and EMS calls, or useless hours away were you going to hide behind before you suddenly thought to yourself. "All she wants is me to hold and love her!"?
~I don't believe that I am a difficult person to please. Never have I longed for things we couldn't afford or anything that you had to buy. I didn't ask you to give up any of your many hobbies even when they took entire days away from me and your kids. All I ever wanted was for you to look up from whatever was so important and say a simple "Hi baby." Maybe even tell me I look pretty when I got all dressed up to go to your many fire department or work gatherings. I wanted to feel like I was someone special to you.
~And you knew going in that I am broken. I told you all about my being abused. All I asked was that you continue to be a friend I could talk to and someone who would help me see past the darkness that my depression suffocated me with. It didn't mean that you had to do anything more than be you-Offer me laughter when I wanted to cry or simply listen. When I needed you most you would tell me to get over it, to move on or you would throw up your hands and say you didn't know how to fix me. Never EVER did I ask or expect you or anyone to "Fix" me. I wanted that man I married to be there for me-Not during commercial breaks or between fire calls but when I needed you! I wanted you to protect me when my past walked right in our home and stood there threatening my very sanity.You turned from me! You left me alone time after time. I remember those days feeling like I had been raped all over again yet this time because you couldn't figure out how to "deal" with it. You often treated me like an over dramatic child throwing a fit over not getting her way instead of your wife who simply needed you to protect her!
~When I said "I do" to you I started toward a life that I thought was going to be wonderful.I never expected it to be perfect. I knew we would argue at times and that I would have moments when I would question certain things. Never did I think I would wonder why I had ever bothered. In those days I remember thinking we had so much to look forward to. We were in love, we laughed and played, we respected one another and we were already welcoming one of our children into our lives.You would look at me with such love and longing. I thought you pretty much walked on water. You were open and loving as well as romantic and adoring. I never thought twice about waiting on you hand and foot or being the kind of wife that was always stroking your ego and trying to make your life as easy as possible. As time went on you changed. You became withdrawn, angry and even resentful. You seemed to only know anger or happiness and shied away from any and all other emotions in between.
~So, here we are. I am leaving and you are not fighting, not arguing and,as far as I can tell, not feeling anything. I just want you to know that I love you. I never want to hurt you nor do I wish to see you do anything but have a wonderful life. If one day you think of me don't wonder when I stopped loving you because I didn't....Ask yourself when it was that you stopped loving me. I know I wonder all the time. Often I wonder what I did wrong..What did I do to you to make you so angry and disrespectful? It will be some time before I can put my own self esteem back together. I don't know that I will ever truly feel whole again since I gave you my entire heart but I am damn well going to try...You haven't wasted a moment moving on. Why should I? I have so very much love to give a man. All I ask for in return is to be loved back. I am tired of feeling like I am asking the world of you by wanting that.
5/6/2011
~I am leaving for the same reason that I am sitting out here alone writing to a computer-because all the pain and joy that is inside of my heart went unheard by you. I tried so many times, even tonight, to reach out to you. I explained in every way I knew how to that I feel alone. There were and are no magic words to say. I wasn't even looking to you for an answer. All I really wanted all those many times was to have you reach out to me, to take me in your arms and tell me that I am going to be okay and that you will always stand beside me. I truly don't understand why those words were so difficult for you to say. I've even told you on many occasions the words I was searching for. But how many times was I going to cry and wrap my own arms around myself while you-only a few short feet away-said you didn't know what to say? How many television programs, fire and EMS calls, or useless hours away were you going to hide behind before you suddenly thought to yourself. "All she wants is me to hold and love her!"?
~I don't believe that I am a difficult person to please. Never have I longed for things we couldn't afford or anything that you had to buy. I didn't ask you to give up any of your many hobbies even when they took entire days away from me and your kids. All I ever wanted was for you to look up from whatever was so important and say a simple "Hi baby." Maybe even tell me I look pretty when I got all dressed up to go to your many fire department or work gatherings. I wanted to feel like I was someone special to you.
~And you knew going in that I am broken. I told you all about my being abused. All I asked was that you continue to be a friend I could talk to and someone who would help me see past the darkness that my depression suffocated me with. It didn't mean that you had to do anything more than be you-Offer me laughter when I wanted to cry or simply listen. When I needed you most you would tell me to get over it, to move on or you would throw up your hands and say you didn't know how to fix me. Never EVER did I ask or expect you or anyone to "Fix" me. I wanted that man I married to be there for me-Not during commercial breaks or between fire calls but when I needed you! I wanted you to protect me when my past walked right in our home and stood there threatening my very sanity.You turned from me! You left me alone time after time. I remember those days feeling like I had been raped all over again yet this time because you couldn't figure out how to "deal" with it. You often treated me like an over dramatic child throwing a fit over not getting her way instead of your wife who simply needed you to protect her!
~When I said "I do" to you I started toward a life that I thought was going to be wonderful.I never expected it to be perfect. I knew we would argue at times and that I would have moments when I would question certain things. Never did I think I would wonder why I had ever bothered. In those days I remember thinking we had so much to look forward to. We were in love, we laughed and played, we respected one another and we were already welcoming one of our children into our lives.You would look at me with such love and longing. I thought you pretty much walked on water. You were open and loving as well as romantic and adoring. I never thought twice about waiting on you hand and foot or being the kind of wife that was always stroking your ego and trying to make your life as easy as possible. As time went on you changed. You became withdrawn, angry and even resentful. You seemed to only know anger or happiness and shied away from any and all other emotions in between.
~So, here we are. I am leaving and you are not fighting, not arguing and,as far as I can tell, not feeling anything. I just want you to know that I love you. I never want to hurt you nor do I wish to see you do anything but have a wonderful life. If one day you think of me don't wonder when I stopped loving you because I didn't....Ask yourself when it was that you stopped loving me. I know I wonder all the time. Often I wonder what I did wrong..What did I do to you to make you so angry and disrespectful? It will be some time before I can put my own self esteem back together. I don't know that I will ever truly feel whole again since I gave you my entire heart but I am damn well going to try...You haven't wasted a moment moving on. Why should I? I have so very much love to give a man. All I ask for in return is to be loved back. I am tired of feeling like I am asking the world of you by wanting that.
5/6/2011
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