~The Truth~
I am a woman, a wife, a mother and friend as well as a daughter and sister,writer and poet,lover of animals and nature. I truly live my life aspiring to help others. Whether through writing,or by talking it out with another human,I feel that my place in this world is to at least try to soothe anothers concerns and fears.
There are people in the world that,while they are not all bad,they have had things happen,people coddle them or simply have learned to make only themselves number one. I am not sure why, or when the moral voice in their head died,but they seem to view the world and the people in it as only a stepping stone to what they want. They may lie and steal, they may threaten and fight, but at the end of the day when the sun has snuggled into the mountains and then away and all that is left is darkness what voice is left in that place where there used to be a conscience?
I wonder this and have since I was old enough to know what a conscience was. Like most people I worried about my family and stressed out over things that I had no control over.What was worse was that when I couldn't fix other people's problems I would try anyway. Too invested and over the top often,I have been lost and sad when I found myself fighting another person's fight and they had stopped. Why do I try to save others when I only need to listen to help?
I want to say that I have no hate inside of me for anyone.Accept for the times when I was a kid being wrestled with by my older,stronger sibling or have tried to show my emotions by slapping a sibling,I have never lifted a finger to anyone. That is not to say that I haven't wanted to. With only 2 people in my life I have allowed their actions and lies to cause my anger to grow bigger than I knew I could have. Like a balloon being filled with more air than room, I might have "popped" too but I have instead used my verbal skills to talk through my possible aggression. Most people have instances where they think about doing something that in reality they would never do. Control is the answer.That is why wise people know that no one can make you do something or make you feel someway.A person who is in control of themselves,who can keep both their ego and emotions in check will not allow another person,no matter who they may be, to pull anger,agression and even a loss of their own self-esteem. I am not all the way there yet.I admit I have allowed people to penetrate my thin skin to wreak havoc with my not-so-balanced self-esteem. I am no longer giving out to anyone the control over my self-worth and emotions.
~When making any plan it seems that we need to state our goal then follow up by listing worse case scenarios. I am a list maker. I am definetly a woman who needs to put in black in white what could be the most horrible thing I can imagine.Sadly, I don't need to imagine, I have already had a so-called loved one make my list for me. So, with that work done now I need to decide what I will do to not allow people who want to hurt me to not do so.
~Sadly,sitting here I would love to ask why? Why would someone who I have known my entire life, a person who I have loved, who I thought loved me, want to make me believe that they already have or will go to the police to report me falsely for stealing? Why, no matter how this other person feels, would this person want even one person to believe anything but what is the truth about me? Does this person not realize that while he/she is spreading around lies about me that he/she is only making themself look like a gossiper at the least and a liar at the most? Even if another person in this world believes what he/she is saying about me, that they believe that I Stole items from my parent, any person that I care about and know well would not hate me for it, they would want to understand why. That is if anyone I know would even believe the slanderous things that this person is telling. Since only that person has been caught doing what he/she is saying that I did, and since he/she has admitted to their mistakes before, why does it makes since to him/her to now try to put it on me?? Here is the deal about all these questions. They don't matter. I may never know the answers, I will never be able to understand their motives and even if they are found to be mentally ill, I will have to keep myself and my family and friends safe from this person.
~ I get alot of feedback when I write and I truly do appreciate it.Many people tell me they are sorry for what is happening, some people thank me for voicing these events because they have gone through them too and are relieved to know they are not alone.Then there are people who tell me to pray. I don't wish to go into all of this now but let me say this; I have been a catholic my whole life. I have been baptized,received communion and went onto have all the other religious ceremonies that follow. I do not go to church weekly although I want to. I don't have to stand in a church to believe. My religious beliefs are important to me and while I have struggled with both the idea of God and the sad, broken course of life that has met my feet, I do not wish to blame anyone else nor completely give up control of my life to another power. Maybe I should but that is for me to decide and come to.We all get to the places we go on our own and in the time it takes. To say that I should talk to God or that if I do I will have happiness is a striking and wonderful as it is a kind of scary idea where it makes me feel I have no real power over my own happiness. It is important to hear my friends tell me they found Him and how He has helped them but its also important that I find Him and not be forced. I know that my wonderful,religious friends have never tried to force Him on me so I know they will also understand that when I am ready He will be ready for me.
~Then there are the people who say that I should just forgive the other because I should have unconditional love and forgiveness, that I should be the big person and smooth the road the other cracked. It is not my intent to ever live a life where I don't apoligize first or say that I was wrong.Anyone who truly knows me knows that I will admit when I am wrong and I will say I am sorry first.I do it more than most do it for me. I have NOT decided that i don't love the person or that I will never forgive but I will not allow them the power anymore to hurt me and my family, This crisis situations,these lies and slanderous words have happened for over 30 years. I no longer,for my own sake and health, can give myself up to another's hurtful game playing. I will forever love this person,they are my family and they will always be whether I like it or not, but I will not open my heart, mind and life to them for further damage. Does this make me a hateful,unforgiving person? Would finding God make me change my mind and with it cause me to put myself in harms' way again? All I know is that I have the right to be happy, to live free of someone using me,telling lies about me, and putting me in a position where I could go to jail. I am not their rag doll to take all their anger and hate out on. No one who loves me would want me to continue to have my own family do what they are doing. No one who is related to me or who is friends with me who sees with their own two eyes what is going on agrees with the other. They pray for them,they hope that they stop trying to hurt and use me and my parent but they are not believing his./her lies. I guess in the end the truth is all that counts but why does it hurt so much? Why do I,my husband and kids have to struggle and defend ourselves why the other sits there lying and maybe even continuing to steal themselves,acting like they own the kingdom.
There are people in the world that,while they are not all bad,they have had things happen,people coddle them or simply have learned to make only themselves number one. I am not sure why, or when the moral voice in their head died,but they seem to view the world and the people in it as only a stepping stone to what they want. They may lie and steal, they may threaten and fight, but at the end of the day when the sun has snuggled into the mountains and then away and all that is left is darkness what voice is left in that place where there used to be a conscience?
I wonder this and have since I was old enough to know what a conscience was. Like most people I worried about my family and stressed out over things that I had no control over.What was worse was that when I couldn't fix other people's problems I would try anyway. Too invested and over the top often,I have been lost and sad when I found myself fighting another person's fight and they had stopped. Why do I try to save others when I only need to listen to help?
I want to say that I have no hate inside of me for anyone.Accept for the times when I was a kid being wrestled with by my older,stronger sibling or have tried to show my emotions by slapping a sibling,I have never lifted a finger to anyone. That is not to say that I haven't wanted to. With only 2 people in my life I have allowed their actions and lies to cause my anger to grow bigger than I knew I could have. Like a balloon being filled with more air than room, I might have "popped" too but I have instead used my verbal skills to talk through my possible aggression. Most people have instances where they think about doing something that in reality they would never do. Control is the answer.That is why wise people know that no one can make you do something or make you feel someway.A person who is in control of themselves,who can keep both their ego and emotions in check will not allow another person,no matter who they may be, to pull anger,agression and even a loss of their own self-esteem. I am not all the way there yet.I admit I have allowed people to penetrate my thin skin to wreak havoc with my not-so-balanced self-esteem. I am no longer giving out to anyone the control over my self-worth and emotions.
~When making any plan it seems that we need to state our goal then follow up by listing worse case scenarios. I am a list maker. I am definetly a woman who needs to put in black in white what could be the most horrible thing I can imagine.Sadly, I don't need to imagine, I have already had a so-called loved one make my list for me. So, with that work done now I need to decide what I will do to not allow people who want to hurt me to not do so.
~Sadly,sitting here I would love to ask why? Why would someone who I have known my entire life, a person who I have loved, who I thought loved me, want to make me believe that they already have or will go to the police to report me falsely for stealing? Why, no matter how this other person feels, would this person want even one person to believe anything but what is the truth about me? Does this person not realize that while he/she is spreading around lies about me that he/she is only making themself look like a gossiper at the least and a liar at the most? Even if another person in this world believes what he/she is saying about me, that they believe that I Stole items from my parent, any person that I care about and know well would not hate me for it, they would want to understand why. That is if anyone I know would even believe the slanderous things that this person is telling. Since only that person has been caught doing what he/she is saying that I did, and since he/she has admitted to their mistakes before, why does it makes since to him/her to now try to put it on me?? Here is the deal about all these questions. They don't matter. I may never know the answers, I will never be able to understand their motives and even if they are found to be mentally ill, I will have to keep myself and my family and friends safe from this person.
~ I get alot of feedback when I write and I truly do appreciate it.Many people tell me they are sorry for what is happening, some people thank me for voicing these events because they have gone through them too and are relieved to know they are not alone.Then there are people who tell me to pray. I don't wish to go into all of this now but let me say this; I have been a catholic my whole life. I have been baptized,received communion and went onto have all the other religious ceremonies that follow. I do not go to church weekly although I want to. I don't have to stand in a church to believe. My religious beliefs are important to me and while I have struggled with both the idea of God and the sad, broken course of life that has met my feet, I do not wish to blame anyone else nor completely give up control of my life to another power. Maybe I should but that is for me to decide and come to.We all get to the places we go on our own and in the time it takes. To say that I should talk to God or that if I do I will have happiness is a striking and wonderful as it is a kind of scary idea where it makes me feel I have no real power over my own happiness. It is important to hear my friends tell me they found Him and how He has helped them but its also important that I find Him and not be forced. I know that my wonderful,religious friends have never tried to force Him on me so I know they will also understand that when I am ready He will be ready for me.
~Then there are the people who say that I should just forgive the other because I should have unconditional love and forgiveness, that I should be the big person and smooth the road the other cracked. It is not my intent to ever live a life where I don't apoligize first or say that I was wrong.Anyone who truly knows me knows that I will admit when I am wrong and I will say I am sorry first.I do it more than most do it for me. I have NOT decided that i don't love the person or that I will never forgive but I will not allow them the power anymore to hurt me and my family, This crisis situations,these lies and slanderous words have happened for over 30 years. I no longer,for my own sake and health, can give myself up to another's hurtful game playing. I will forever love this person,they are my family and they will always be whether I like it or not, but I will not open my heart, mind and life to them for further damage. Does this make me a hateful,unforgiving person? Would finding God make me change my mind and with it cause me to put myself in harms' way again? All I know is that I have the right to be happy, to live free of someone using me,telling lies about me, and putting me in a position where I could go to jail. I am not their rag doll to take all their anger and hate out on. No one who loves me would want me to continue to have my own family do what they are doing. No one who is related to me or who is friends with me who sees with their own two eyes what is going on agrees with the other. They pray for them,they hope that they stop trying to hurt and use me and my parent but they are not believing his./her lies. I guess in the end the truth is all that counts but why does it hurt so much? Why do I,my husband and kids have to struggle and defend ourselves why the other sits there lying and maybe even continuing to steal themselves,acting like they own the kingdom.
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