~Losing A Loved One Yet Never Losing The Love~
~Today on face book I came across the status of a woman who is an acquaintance.It's funny that of the many people that I have added over the last year, it's not my relatives,friends or schoolmates that I share true emotional dialogue with but perfect strangers...People I've added to FB or have added me solely based on the fact that we play the same farm game or support the same research for diseases. I'm not sure if I am more sad that the people I grew up with take little notice in my day to day dilemmas or if I am more thrilled that people who I hardly know from all over the world reach out to me without a second thought.
~This acquaintance was speaking about the loss of her own Mother in 1994 and the sadness she felt as she realized that her Mother was no longer around to help her see her way through life. I reached out to her, told her that I was sorry for her loss and that I, too, know what its like to want to go to my Mother for advice but hear only my own sad voice calling out to her. As I've said many times, I talk often to my Mom out loud while I do dishes or when I want to pray. With everything that has happened I would normally pray but I am walking a fine line of belief in God. I believe in Mom. Right now that is all I can give of myself and my faith.
~It is the fact that the world I knew so well is a mess at my very feet that makes believing in a higher power difficult. If Mom is in heaven, if after only a short 58 years on earth she is among the other people we have lost like her own Mother and Father, her own friends and family, and if she has the ability to see over us down here on earth, then she would finally see the truth as it is, not as she wants it to be, right? I don't know. What I do know is that while she was alive, everyone who was close to my Mother had this unspoken need to protect her. Don't get me wrong, My Mother was not someone you might look at and take pity on. Quite the opposite it true. From what my own eyes saw and what other people told me,friends and strangers alike, Mom carried herself very graciously as well as strongly. Mom was not only beautiful inside so that people would move to be close to her and want to hear her, but Mom was gorgeous on the outside too. No, not in the awful way that magazines and television teaches that beauty is...Mom was never tall and thin. Like me she stood a whole 5 foot 2 inches tall. Growing up Mom would often hide herself behind clothes too big. After her first heart attack at only 42 and congestive heart failure later,Mom tried to make healthier food and she would exercise. Still, Mom could have looked awful and yet her smile,her personality and her love of the world would have always surpassed that.
~Here it is almost 2 years and she is gone. Buried along side her own Mother, Mom is but a cemetery stone to visit now. I admit,when Mom first died I visited her almost every single day. In the spring I made her a long window box of flowers and set decorations of her favorite things like lady bugs and butterflies. Now with my own health suffering, I have not been out to see her in a while. Not that I am not with her in my mind. I still want to pick up the phone to call her when things happen but I imagine I will do things like that for a while.
~What hurts the most and makes me feel like I want to give up on others is the idea that when my Mother passed away the things she wanted slowly went too. Not by me. I want to do what she asked not only in the home we grew up in but with the things that meant so much to her. Although I doubt that a soul in heaven is bound to earth and the people they left by objects, I do think that when they go what they told us they wanted is all we have. The sound of their voice, the pictures in our mind and the things that Mom shared with me will forever be a part of my soul. No one can sell or take those memories away from me. Yet, I'll never EVER forget my Mother's voice,crying and begging me to make sure that I never let another person have her beloved items...A few items in particular along with one person in particular. Yet here I sit and every item Mom begged me to keep safe, to hide from this other person and to save for her 4 Grandchildren is in danger of being taken and sold for pennies on the dollar.More importantly over the money, it will never be ours to hold again, to feel against our skin and know that Mom held it,loved it, and wanted to keep it safe.
~I wish Mom had had a will but she didn't. More than that though, I wish her family(not all, but a few), would show their love for her now even when they don't get anything back for it. Is it that they just don't care and that the money they get in return is worth more? I just cannot bring myself to believe that. Is it that they are so scared to see it because the loss that they feel when they touch the items make them sad? I know one may feel that way but the other seems to only keep what she wants. She isn't selling everything it seems, just the items that I feel close to.Little does she know that the items that I feel closest too she doesn't even know exist. They are not pieces of jewelry or clothes.they are not furniture or pieces of land...I have a few papers with Mom's writing on them(one is a list for hot dogs that she had been taking so she could place an order). What means the most to me is not automatically worth anything in this money-hungry world....Its value is emotional. The items that do have money value are only valuable to me because my Mom loved them so. Whether paper with her writing or a bracelet full of diamonds, one does not mean more than the other to me. I cannot express or explain what is going on in the world of Mom's other loved ones. Some of them just don't make any sense to me. They are selling her possessions like they meant nothing.Then other possessions they are hiding from me and others so that we have no chance to hold them. This is when I wish we could have a simple museum for Mom, a place to put her favorite things so that we can visit where no one can sell them out from beneath each other. Why is everyone but me in a rush to get rid of her???
~I never thought no matter how selfish people have been that My Mother's death would come down to all this. If I had my own way we would have never touched a thing,never taken it or moved it.That isn't realistic,especially since my father wants to sell the very house we grew up in. He can't afford the cost financially or emotionally of keeping the house. Its too bad. That, though, is not the saddest part. For me,what keeps me up at night, is the idea that Mom is looking down on us and seeing the way everyone is acting. I hope that going to heaven makes a wise person even wiser,that it imparts a sense of reality that is not bound to the heart but only the mind.I'll tell you this though~ The way Mom loved, the way we tried to love and protect Mom, the way certain people swore that Mom was their best friend, I have not seen one moment of any of that in them. All I've seen is "me me me". I will always have the memories and hugs and love that Mom gave me so wonderfully. I will always remember her smoky perfume and the way her smile stretched across her face. I will never forget the way she and dad were when I gave birth to Bailey, their first Grandchild...Then later the way she would watch me and my children while I would lay on the bed nursing them and the look in Mom's eyes as she stroked my babys' hair and sang songs in their ears. Her laugh~I will forever hear that sound ringing out like a gorgeous song in the air and when she cried....Oh my God, I will never forget how much it hurt my heart when she was hurt or sad. It would make me cry just to see her cry...
~All I ever wanted to do was to protect my Mother. Why,though, does the one thing you wanted me to keep safe,have to be worth money to others. Why couldn't it be a box of pictures or something else other than jewelry??? See, because other people want to sell it and it has value to the world, my fight to keep it appears to be over the cost. It is ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING other than the value in the world that it has. I'm truly sorry, Mom, I let you down. I did not protect the things that Dad gave you...I can't even save it from him. He wants to get rid of it as much as the other. And when he got sick, when his memory failed him and he went to the other woman,you tried to hide the gifts he gave you and keep it safe so that when he got better he would not kick himself for getting rid of it, I was not able to do that. Anyone who knows you knows so well that you weren't trying to hide the jewelry because of its worth in a store but because of the cost for Dad to give it to you and what it meant...I tried so hard but at least I am keeping safe your memory, keeping your smile and laugh,memories and love alive within Bailey and Tessa. No one can take,steal or sell what you gave us in memories and what really counts...Your Bailey-Bear and Tessa-Teddy think of you everyday. They have been taught by you and us the true meaning of love...It wasn't what you wore or how much your life cost that they is remembered, it was what you are worth to us now and forever. They and I love their Nana Chris forever and ever and ever.
~This acquaintance was speaking about the loss of her own Mother in 1994 and the sadness she felt as she realized that her Mother was no longer around to help her see her way through life. I reached out to her, told her that I was sorry for her loss and that I, too, know what its like to want to go to my Mother for advice but hear only my own sad voice calling out to her. As I've said many times, I talk often to my Mom out loud while I do dishes or when I want to pray. With everything that has happened I would normally pray but I am walking a fine line of belief in God. I believe in Mom. Right now that is all I can give of myself and my faith.
~It is the fact that the world I knew so well is a mess at my very feet that makes believing in a higher power difficult. If Mom is in heaven, if after only a short 58 years on earth she is among the other people we have lost like her own Mother and Father, her own friends and family, and if she has the ability to see over us down here on earth, then she would finally see the truth as it is, not as she wants it to be, right? I don't know. What I do know is that while she was alive, everyone who was close to my Mother had this unspoken need to protect her. Don't get me wrong, My Mother was not someone you might look at and take pity on. Quite the opposite it true. From what my own eyes saw and what other people told me,friends and strangers alike, Mom carried herself very graciously as well as strongly. Mom was not only beautiful inside so that people would move to be close to her and want to hear her, but Mom was gorgeous on the outside too. No, not in the awful way that magazines and television teaches that beauty is...Mom was never tall and thin. Like me she stood a whole 5 foot 2 inches tall. Growing up Mom would often hide herself behind clothes too big. After her first heart attack at only 42 and congestive heart failure later,Mom tried to make healthier food and she would exercise. Still, Mom could have looked awful and yet her smile,her personality and her love of the world would have always surpassed that.
~Here it is almost 2 years and she is gone. Buried along side her own Mother, Mom is but a cemetery stone to visit now. I admit,when Mom first died I visited her almost every single day. In the spring I made her a long window box of flowers and set decorations of her favorite things like lady bugs and butterflies. Now with my own health suffering, I have not been out to see her in a while. Not that I am not with her in my mind. I still want to pick up the phone to call her when things happen but I imagine I will do things like that for a while.
~What hurts the most and makes me feel like I want to give up on others is the idea that when my Mother passed away the things she wanted slowly went too. Not by me. I want to do what she asked not only in the home we grew up in but with the things that meant so much to her. Although I doubt that a soul in heaven is bound to earth and the people they left by objects, I do think that when they go what they told us they wanted is all we have. The sound of their voice, the pictures in our mind and the things that Mom shared with me will forever be a part of my soul. No one can sell or take those memories away from me. Yet, I'll never EVER forget my Mother's voice,crying and begging me to make sure that I never let another person have her beloved items...A few items in particular along with one person in particular. Yet here I sit and every item Mom begged me to keep safe, to hide from this other person and to save for her 4 Grandchildren is in danger of being taken and sold for pennies on the dollar.More importantly over the money, it will never be ours to hold again, to feel against our skin and know that Mom held it,loved it, and wanted to keep it safe.
~I wish Mom had had a will but she didn't. More than that though, I wish her family(not all, but a few), would show their love for her now even when they don't get anything back for it. Is it that they just don't care and that the money they get in return is worth more? I just cannot bring myself to believe that. Is it that they are so scared to see it because the loss that they feel when they touch the items make them sad? I know one may feel that way but the other seems to only keep what she wants. She isn't selling everything it seems, just the items that I feel close to.Little does she know that the items that I feel closest too she doesn't even know exist. They are not pieces of jewelry or clothes.they are not furniture or pieces of land...I have a few papers with Mom's writing on them(one is a list for hot dogs that she had been taking so she could place an order). What means the most to me is not automatically worth anything in this money-hungry world....Its value is emotional. The items that do have money value are only valuable to me because my Mom loved them so. Whether paper with her writing or a bracelet full of diamonds, one does not mean more than the other to me. I cannot express or explain what is going on in the world of Mom's other loved ones. Some of them just don't make any sense to me. They are selling her possessions like they meant nothing.Then other possessions they are hiding from me and others so that we have no chance to hold them. This is when I wish we could have a simple museum for Mom, a place to put her favorite things so that we can visit where no one can sell them out from beneath each other. Why is everyone but me in a rush to get rid of her???
~I never thought no matter how selfish people have been that My Mother's death would come down to all this. If I had my own way we would have never touched a thing,never taken it or moved it.That isn't realistic,especially since my father wants to sell the very house we grew up in. He can't afford the cost financially or emotionally of keeping the house. Its too bad. That, though, is not the saddest part. For me,what keeps me up at night, is the idea that Mom is looking down on us and seeing the way everyone is acting. I hope that going to heaven makes a wise person even wiser,that it imparts a sense of reality that is not bound to the heart but only the mind.I'll tell you this though~ The way Mom loved, the way we tried to love and protect Mom, the way certain people swore that Mom was their best friend, I have not seen one moment of any of that in them. All I've seen is "me me me". I will always have the memories and hugs and love that Mom gave me so wonderfully. I will always remember her smoky perfume and the way her smile stretched across her face. I will never forget the way she and dad were when I gave birth to Bailey, their first Grandchild...Then later the way she would watch me and my children while I would lay on the bed nursing them and the look in Mom's eyes as she stroked my babys' hair and sang songs in their ears. Her laugh~I will forever hear that sound ringing out like a gorgeous song in the air and when she cried....Oh my God, I will never forget how much it hurt my heart when she was hurt or sad. It would make me cry just to see her cry...
~All I ever wanted to do was to protect my Mother. Why,though, does the one thing you wanted me to keep safe,have to be worth money to others. Why couldn't it be a box of pictures or something else other than jewelry??? See, because other people want to sell it and it has value to the world, my fight to keep it appears to be over the cost. It is ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING other than the value in the world that it has. I'm truly sorry, Mom, I let you down. I did not protect the things that Dad gave you...I can't even save it from him. He wants to get rid of it as much as the other. And when he got sick, when his memory failed him and he went to the other woman,you tried to hide the gifts he gave you and keep it safe so that when he got better he would not kick himself for getting rid of it, I was not able to do that. Anyone who knows you knows so well that you weren't trying to hide the jewelry because of its worth in a store but because of the cost for Dad to give it to you and what it meant...I tried so hard but at least I am keeping safe your memory, keeping your smile and laugh,memories and love alive within Bailey and Tessa. No one can take,steal or sell what you gave us in memories and what really counts...Your Bailey-Bear and Tessa-Teddy think of you everyday. They have been taught by you and us the true meaning of love...It wasn't what you wore or how much your life cost that they is remembered, it was what you are worth to us now and forever. They and I love their Nana Chris forever and ever and ever.
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