Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

Thousands of miles separate my Love from Me~ Yet a million times over I would swim that great wide Sea. Wild Tides ebbing in, tumbling and crashing... Out toward him and back over and over Hope continues splashing. For every Tide going out one must come back in. My heart is holding out for our Love to finally win. I'm calling out, pleading, to my Love somewhere far off and Lost. While my body wading in the shallow ocean's waves is swayed and tossed. My voice carried upon the gentle wings of a bird... But sadly my Love has never heard even a breathless word. A billion or so tiny grains of spiteful sand lay between me finally holding my Lover's hand. I pull my hand up through the sand and watch it sift through my fingers. It burns my eyes but its in my Heart where the real pain Lingers. I know if I could make my way across this distance with a swim, I'm sure a single touch of my lips would seduce and ease him. In a moment I'd gently touch his hand...

Someday soon I will see your photo and it won't hurt me to breathe. One day soon I will witness your name and it won't strike right through to read. Someday, somewhere, I will run into you and I will easily find the steps away but for now when I see anything you leave I feel my heart tear and fray. There's a place for my heart in this world with a friend who will believe. A place where I can be wrong but my love won't so simply leave. I gave you all I had and then I gave you more. Yet you took it all and said nothing before you walked out the door. I have lost all hope where you and I ever breathed. Where my love for you once was its now a sigh I relieve. I cannot make you love me nor can I make you ever turn back. If I could I would forever yearn for the wish that you lack. I am here where you left me, living one day at a time. I am waiting no longer for your soul and mine to rhyme. Either you love me and can't see your way without me or you'r...

~If I am sad, it's because you never put faith in me. If I am hurt,it's because you gave up. If I am gone it's because you barely waved goodbye but if I am to live, its for me that I must breathe and never on love I should depend.~ SJR ~ I haven't been around much to blog. I realize that part of blogging is writing daily and I apologize for not being a good blogger. See, I am starting my journey, I am living~Not always because I want to but because I have to. My kids need me so I swallow back the huge lump in my throat and attempt to appear normal as I feel my insides go to jello. Last night it was my daughter's night. She was playing in a series of skits in her school play. As usual I woke up sick with a stomach ache and fever and put off the first performance. I knew her father would be there so I promised her I would attend the night show. Not what I would have wanted, as I would have liked to go to both. Still, what I would like and what I can do are two...

What time I have wasted missing you~ Missing our talks, our laughter and the way you could put my mind at ease. You had a way of making everything okay. Now I wonder what did I have at all that now I have nothing in you??  From you ... A man whose love was neither boundless nor unconditional. You loved me when I was beautiful, easy, sweet... Yet when I was tough~ when I asked to take a peek into your heart you pulled away and when I wanted to know your mind your feet took off running, I became hard work for you. Love is not work but relationships are. Love is not supposed to hurt yet everything that you have said and done has hurt me from the day I loved you. I promised to love you until the moment that I die, and I will. I will love the you that you wanted me to see... Adore the you that you allowed to be seen by my loving and searching eyes. In a small way I will forever yearn for the man whose own words spoke of gentle, sweet...

Where were you? ...Not on the other end of here or savoring the words I wrote only for you. Were you always looking eyes closed, listening ears blocked? And when you tasted my desire and I tugged on you to hold me what did your taste buds experience? I remember you excited then playing it cool. I recall your ego growing great big inside your head and the way you stated the truth... Joking, promising, what-if-ing while all along you were living inside of a safe place where my love and desire could not penetrate you. Or did it? You took every chance to be there, took in every word and lived in it... You disappeared when I told you to go, to stop playing games and finally leave me alone and when I asked you to give me a chance to explain.... You stayed away. If I didn't affect you then you would have at least said hello. You could have said anything but saying nothing? It appears I hurt you and the only way for you to pay me back is to hurt ME b...

Never felt real love until I tasted the sweet pulp of loving you. Was unsure of my own heart,unable to recognize the difference between wanting and needing and this uncontrollable tug of war inside of me called desire... Was walking the world a shell, an unfeeling, lack luster shadow of myself, until your heart kissed my heart. Suddenly loving you became my destiny. And I never felt time's so slow and gluttonous appetite devouring in its teeth every moment I was forced to breathe without you. I hardly felt the rain, the way it made my body feel so warm and supple and finally beautiful and desired as I laid next to you in the grass. What I was missing, what was not in my grasp before you was like a constant thirst, or a hunger, a longing I could not fill or name since it was always there until you. My eyes never as green as when they gazed upon you, my lips never as full as when they pursed to kiss yours and my breath in my breasts never so full as wh...

Sitting here listening to the Oprah Winfrey show, they are discussing how people use food to fill the emptiness or coat the pain. I know I do that. Its chocolate. Yet the idea that I am trying to hide my feelings is ludicrous, right? I deal with every emotion that comes my way, right? Guess not. I find myself several times a day trying to find something else to fill my loneliness. Forget what the loneliness is from. It doesn't matter really. I imagine for the rest of my life there will be an empty hole in me~But what I do to fill it, with food, with coloring, do I do it with blogging to? Am I faking being in touch with my own emotions by writing this when really, maybe, there are bigger, deeper, and tougher painful things that I suppress?? I know right at this very moment I am holding back an emotion that is hurting me badly. I want to let it out but I am afraid. So, I am forcing it out... I thought that I shared real love and friendship with this person. I didn't? I thou...

~Hello, world. Its just me again. I am sorry if you are an avid follower and I am not as avid about blogging. I truly believe that when I don't blog its because there is something inside of me that I  am pushing back but I don't realize. Something that is too honest and real to face so like a person who suspects they won't like what they see, they keep away, far away, from any mirror or object that might threaten to show a reflection. When I used to see a psychologist and there was a day that I didn't want to go, my Mother would say that was day I absolutely should . Mom reasoned that something was bothering me that I didn't want to face but that by pushing it away I was doing more to hurt myself. ~So, here I am..I feel kinda empty of anything to share, like my mind is sleeping, but instead of doing some mindless face book gaming or immersing my brain into the television I am pushing myself to write, so bear with me. ~I am thinking how sad it must be to not be a...

It's a relief to find how strong I am when I have no choice. Losing Mom, my Father and being lied to and let down by new "friends" was all I could take...At least I thought. I sat here wondering what I was doing wrong to deserve such unloving and unthoughtful people in my life...People who would say that they cared, promise me their life and time and say that they understood all that I was going through.I have learned something as of late~Its not me, its the people I try to  push to fit into my life. If they don't want to be here than I don't want them to be here either. I wanted an escape from reality, a place to go where my life could be a distant and sad memory. That is not possible. What I need is to surround myself with people who love me no matter what I look like, no matter how crazy I can get, no matter what things I might do...I am worth people who will understand that my life has been ripped from a straight and safe road to a windy and unsure venture....

Okay, so its over. I wrote you an e-mail along with the blog, asked you to consider working through our problems to get back to our friendship but you have gone unseen and unheard. I should not be surprised. In fact, I should be relieved as I feel that I am the one who fought for us while you just rode the waves. I am a woman, lost at times, full of self-doubt and feelings of abandonment. Sadly, having issues like these can make maintaining a long-distance friendship hard. Even more difficult is when the other person goes along fine,it seems, but is never honest about their feelings like I believe you weren't. It's very possible that all that we went through was my fault and that I made it a mess from day one but you won't voice your emotions so how can I see anything but my side? I really wanted to see yours but I couldn't, you wouldn't let me. My last e-mail I asked you to come chat, to talk about what happened, or didn't happen, to cause me to think tha...