Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

~Working on myself lately and delving into the deep part of my sub-conscious and the many layers that are me, I have started to learn what a fool I have been. Blind for so long as to how much life I have been missing out on including my husband, children, friends and the world moving around me. Instead I have surrounded myself with beliefs that were grounded in fear and more lately, the mindless world of electronics and cyberspace. I have missed out on the gifts of real human contact simply because I was afraid to be hurt but found more hurt than ever. ~In one way I was reaching out for human interaction more than ever by blogging. No one that I know can truly empty out onto a screen every intimate detail of their lives including my history with abuse without it coming from a real place and creating honest emotions. Still, I was missing out on sharing my pain face to face with a person who could look into my eyes, offer a shoulder to literally cry on, or give me a hug. There is n...

I want to love like I've never been touched by love before ...and feel in his touch a truth that is warm, sweet and uncontrollable. I want to swing into the day in his arms and into night, sneak into his dreams. Live there in his mind like a far away star that no one else can reach but him, no one can ever steal my light but he can live in it. I want to be all that is beautiful. real and all that is love. I want him to feel my yearning for him, my adoration and love inside of me looking out from my eyes, and sweet in my kisses. I need him like I need air, want him like I want the day to never end and love him like no love I have ever known. And when the day is done and we are laying in each other's arms I want no one else on my mind or his but each other. Living to make him happy, spoiling him with my endless love and giving him anything he desires. I want to love.

I wonder how it feels to have someone you care for fight for you...How it would feel to push someone away, as I do so often out of fear, and have just one person refuse to go.Other than being abusively held close, forced to stay, I can't tell you the last time I pushed a person away and they begged me not to go.Even when I told my own father to go so that I could stop trying to save him he went...Still, he is not who my heart mourns for today. I walk around with such a deep sense of doubt inside of me and a low self esteem that what I believed to be true about a person in one moment can be turned in my head in the next. When a good friend of mine told me that they couldn't imagine their life without me I was thrilled. I felt elated, loved and needed. Then weeks went by with no words from them, nothing. My feeling of warmth and sureness for what we had was snatched away and replaced with doubt and the feeling that I had been lied to. Suddenly the person that I had grown to tru...

~I have written a letter 10 pages long full of how I feel and how sorry I am but that letter has gone unsent...I have written a blog that I don't feel like publishing because the words are meant for only your eyes..Still, here I am again. I don't want to have to e~mail you because I feel like you will respond just because you feel like you have to. That is not what I want. I want to say this to you and you know who you are.. ~We are friends. No matter how much time goes by with nothing said between us, our friendship still goes on.I wish that I had realized that long ago so I wouldn't have pushed you away in the first place...Still, good times and bad, misunderstandings and unintended hurting of each other...Friends weather the storms and bask in the sun. I can either feel guilty for pulling away from you or I can say that I am sorry.I choose to say I AM SORRY . I was scared of getting hurt but in the end I hurt both you and myself. Now I don't get to know how you...

I am so tired tonight. After a long day of shopping and cleaning I was folding laundry as my husband began cooking dinner. Potatoes in the oven and more than three-quarters done, the veggies ready and the steaks on the grill what else could happen but Kevin's pager going off. I swear that almost every Sunday night this happens. We are about to eat when his pager starts beeping and making racket calling him to come rescue someone.   Our town has a volunteer fire and ems department and no calls are mandatory...This doesn't mean that he should not go, it just means that when we are walking out the door or almost to a park to play with the kids (or eating), it would not be the worse thing if he took a breath to see if enough people were responding before letting us all down just to respond to a call that has more than enough people...Please, don't get me wrong. I am not without concern. It was the town's fire department and EMS crew that came to try to help my Mom the nigh...

I received a lot of response regarding my last post. I am grateful for the people who wrote to me expressing their understanding of what I have been going through. It's sad to think how many of us don't truly believe that we deserve love so we ruin every chance to achieve happiness with another human being. When I think about men and the part that they played in my life for so long it doesn't surprise me that I have become almost indifferent to the entire race. Don't get me wrong, I love men and I could not be happy with someone of the same sex, but when almost every man in your childhood was intimidating, abusive and less than respectful it isn't a stretch to have the next decade of my life be filled with confusion and fear. Today a childhood friend messaged me on face book. She was helping her family member to deal with the billing for his small company that I deal with. She was e-mailing me to straighten out a payment that I had made. Anyway, I found myse...

I was all ready to blog about relationships and how so many people have let me down when a thought occurred to me. I had written a good 1,000 words when I got up to tend to the kids and there it was...The realization that I have played a big part in the ending of many of them... While many of my relationships did end because of me feeling that the other person let me down the truth it that, (and this is truly a big revelation for me so read carefully), many of the relationships never stood a chance because of the high expectations that I put on them. Wow, that being said I feel a mixture of both relief and embarrassment. I don't consciously put goals on people. Let's face it, unless you live under a rock, its common knowledge that most of things we do as humans, and the reasons behind them, are more a surprise to ourselves but are done out of fear. I consider myself to be pretty in touch with my own emotions. Still, I used to be better at it but with time, loss and feeling ...

Ripped up paper laying about the table. The wind breathes through the window, teases and scatters the paper.. . A mess to you, garbage.  Gather it up and throw it away. I bled out my every emotion for you on that paper. I captured my love, my entire heart, and bled it so carefully, thoughtfully, from my pen. I spent hours curving long my love, line by line... My emotions so strong  and deep as the core of my soul. I wrote every word, latched every thought, my own veins running thick  with my yearning for you. Will you read? Will you ever really (truly) see me,feel me? Read me aloud, taste me on your lips, feel what I feel like in your mouth. Am I sour, Sweet? Feel me dripping and moving inside... Just words to you, a thought, perhaps that got away from me and made a life of its own... Yet simply everything inside of me torn out and plastered on a piece of paper for you about you. How easy for your eyes to drink it, for your hands to crumple up or shred till t...

I haven't been blogging as much lately but believe me, that is a good sign. I have been getting out of the house, shopping, visiting and doing things that I usually try to put off indefinitely. On Friday morning I woke up to find that our tax refund had been deposited. Finally! We have been so strapped for money lately that just a trip to the  store to buy cleaning supplies was not in the cards. Not someone who can stand the feeling of money burning a hole in my pocket I showered, dressed, did my hair and make up then stood there trying to not let all the demons in my head, the doubt, talk me out of my outing. I was starting to get warm, my forehead was dampening...My stomach was tumbling but I was fighting it. I got ready and got my keys and left. There was a nice breeze so by the time I walked into the store I wasn't as bad as I started. I decided to  make my first trip be to Yankee Candle. I worked there for a few winter seasons and although the people I worked with are...

I Was a leaf on a tree hardly holding onto its branch. You were the wind that tiptoed in, that snuck up behind me and caressed me with your warmth and your hope. You flirted with me, you gave my dry and  torn body something to touch and to feel other than the winter that stuck and froze me... You started gently~ slowly and rhythmically moving me then over time your movements became stronger and more fluid-like. You danced me, twirled me, pulled me with your flirting till my stem snapped from the branch. A branch that once loved and adored me, swayed and supported me but that for so many years had only held on for the sake of its own nutrition... This dried and crunchy leaf  was caught suddenly in your breath, ensnared in your onward movement. I went with you. Once you picked me from my safe yet chilly tree you started to swirl me in your unseen yet strong arms. You ...