~A New Day~

~I have decided to change what I blog about....For the most part I usually do write about my life but now as I am struggling with the issues of my divorce, moving and being without financial stability, I will try to chronicle my steps through the process of getting on my feet.I hope to be able to see hope in my own writing,to find a strength in myself and to write through the pain and anxiety. Bear with me though as I could lose internet service at any moment or any day so I might have to write from a friends house or a cafe or whatever has internet. I would love someday to be able to be in a much better place and to be able to read back on how scared and alone I felt...I hope too that I can help other struggling people to see their way clear of their own self doubt and pain....So,here goes nothing but I am really praying that its something.I would hate to have my life end someday having given up on myself. I am really my only true friend--the only person who will be here for me no matter what. I can either chose to like it or fight it all the way. I am choosing to begin a chapter of my life that is not full of self-loathing, doubt and misery. I can't promise I will always be upbeat or positive because,well, life sucks right now and I am not a person who was born with those personality traits.Yet I do promise myself to try to fight through all this hurt and change.I hope you will come check in once in awhile and give me some time. Maybe I will surprise us both :)

July 11, 2011
2:30 pm

Comments

  1. AnonymousMonday, July 11, 2011 12:06:00 PM

    I think putting feelings into words is wonderful therapy. Fear not...I have been homeless, without a job and dragging along 2 small children. I am now happily remarried to the most wonderful man on the planet, own our own home. Life is sometimes still a struggle only now more with medical issues. (both my children have a life threatening disease) But, we are happy because we choose to laugh as often as possible! We feel if we ever stop laughing we will cry forever. Laughter really is the best medicine for us! I wish you laughter.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Have something to add?

Popular posts from this blog

Reaching out is the most difficult part

Apparently in spite of all the good things in my life I am currently caught, again, in the tight grip of depression. While I've experienced it most of my life, I can't always recognize that is has me until I'm well imprisoned by it's firm hold. One minute I'm laughing and enjoying the little things in life, the next I'm struggling with ugly, broken thoughts. And like pieces of glass in my head, the thoughts cut into the flesh and leave me bleeding only darkness. When I am in a depressive state I am not sad all the time. There isn't some large black cloud that follows me everywhere. If we are to compare it to weather, which I usually do not, I honestly feel soothed by the darkness because the sunshine is too much a reminder of what I should or could be. Depression for me is eating to try to fill the empty spaces inside. It's denying the sunshine by closing all the blinds. It's sitting at the dining room table with Jesse's family and my own dau...
Read more

~Your loss, My Gain~

Image
Okay, so its over. I wrote you an e-mail along with the blog, asked you to consider working through our problems to get back to our friendship but you have gone unseen and unheard. I should not be surprised. In fact, I should be relieved as I feel that I am the one who fought for us while you just rode the waves. I am a woman, lost at times, full of self-doubt and feelings of abandonment. Sadly, having issues like these can make maintaining a long-distance friendship hard. Even more difficult is when the other person goes along fine,it seems, but is never honest about their feelings like I believe you weren't. It's very possible that all that we went through was my fault and that I made it a mess from day one but you won't voice your emotions so how can I see anything but my side? I really wanted to see yours but I couldn't, you wouldn't let me. My last e-mail I asked you to come chat, to talk about what happened, or didn't happen, to cause me to think tha...
Read more

~ The Silencing Of An Abused Voice ~

When you go through life feeling almost everything that happens around you, it can be very difficult to separate your heart from your mind and what you feel from what you know.  Most thoughts are rooted in emotions when you feel so much.  Your perception of the world and how it views you is influenced by your own self-worth. Perhaps over feeling everything has to do with being abused~ At least for me. Sexually, mentally and physically~ All forms of abuse can eat away at the core of self worth and become so overwhelming that in time it's all one can do to not pick everything apart-even compliments-for some hidden insult. It's exhausting, to say the least, and it can put a lot of distance between yourself and others.  As if you aren't lonely enough in that dark and cold place, you become a victim of your own thoughts, doubts and worries. You feel shame for the abuse because in your heart, you wonder what you did to deserve it, to cause it. Your brain tells you that these...
Read more