~Strong~

Sometimes after I've written my blog I receive e-mails and comments from friends whose opinion of me is that I am brave and strong.  Honestly, I have stopped publishing their opinions in my blog comments because to me I feel like a girl who is anything but strong or brave. I feel scared as hell all the time. I worry about my kids and how this divorce is affecting them. I worry that I am the reason for my marriage ending, (not just the decision but the problem causing the decision to start with). Most of the time my ulcer is burning and my head hurts because all I seem to feel anymore is worry, doubt and fear..

The worst part is that I've met the best man who I would love to spend everyday of my life with...A man who actually cares about me. Yet I feel like I am always one bad mood away from ending it all with him. When I am away from him I feel like I miss him, like I am suffocating because I need him and when I am "with" him I feel like I should not be because I don't want him to endure my mood swings and self-doubt. I need constant reassurance from him. No matter how many times he tells me he loves me and that he wants to be with me, I tend to hear and take more from what he isn't saying. I can mess it all up so easily it seems.My friend tells me that if he loves me that he wouldn't allow me to mess it up, that he would understand that the doubt and insecurity that I am expressing is all part of me moving on from a bad marriage. Yet I don't think for a minute that it will be him giving up on me. If we end our relationship I fear it will be me as I overreact to something he does or doesn't say that in any other time of my life would never had bothered me either way.

I try so hard to explain myself to other people...It really shouldn't matter to me who knows what and whether they understand. I realize that I shouldn't feel like I have to explain anything to anyone. When I finally get to a strong place where I can be true to and love and respect myself, I should be able to see that I am worthy of Love and that real love is not simply being who the other person wants me to be but really being me. I have grown tired of feeling like I have to explain why I do this or feel that. No one who truly loves me for me will never ask me to give reasons for my feelings and never would they want me to forsake my own happiness to make them happy.

Thats why I do get so frightened of pushing away this one man. He is not asking me to change or to pretend. He sees my imperfections and my beauty and all he asks is that I be happy. And by being happy he feels he will be too.

I know what I have to do to get emotionally healthy. I am aware of the steps I need to take as well as how dealing with my past and letting go of the anger will make me a happier person. It's time for me to let it all go~All the hurt and pain and blame. It isn't getting me anywhere.  All its done so far is to make me resentful, fearful of trusting others and self loathing. Its time for me to find a reason to live that has nothing to do with anyone but me, to work on my self esteem and to find a way to live in this world with or without someone loving me and still feel like I am worthy of love.

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