~From Tears To A Smile~
In such a short amount of time my baby will finally be here with me. I cannot wait to hold him in my arms and feel his arms around me. For so long its as if I have been holding my breath waiting for the chance to be in the same room with him. And soon we will have two weeks together-Just Jesse and me. I imagine the many moments we will share from the feelings we will have as we talk to each other in the same space instead of through a microphone on line to being able to hold each other.I know that we still have so much to learn about one another that being on line couldn't fulfill. Don't get me wrong, we both know how lucky we are to be able to see each other through a camera. We have spent so many hours every single day for over 6 months talking about everything from the weather to our most personal feelings, hopes and fears. I have learned more about him in this time than I have any other man because there has been nothing to distract us like what would in the "real world". Sure, we still get distracted by things like having to finally sign off and live in the reality of me being a Mom and Jesse being a Dad and Grandfather, yet if we lived near one another like most people I don't think we would be as close as we are now...Its funny but because we couldn't reach out and hold one another or do what most people close to each other would do to express their love, we have had to show each other our deepest emotions through words. Because of that our communication is so much better than I've ever known with anyone.
I have found the man I want to spend my life with but I have also found a best friend in Jesse. I have felt safe with and close to him so that I have been able to talk in such length about my childhood abuse, my failing marriage and my lack of self-esteem. I have shared things with him that I have never told anyone else. I tell him almost every day that I don't know what I would do without him and honestly, its true. He has helped me to face my fear of leaving the house even to the point where I have been able to go to my daughter's elementary school to read my poetry in front of over 60 6th graders! Jesse has helped to keep my very important doctors appointments as well as other events that usually I would have found an excuse to bail on. Unlike so many people in my life who meant well but enabled me to stay sick, Jesse has pushed me to face my fears. No, I am not "cured": I still have times when I am out in public where I feel overwhelmed and anxious but I think of him and it calms me. I know that its up to me to do the work yet with him at my side supporting me, how can I fail? And I've realized that even if I do mess up, true failing would be me not doing what I need to in order to be healthy and sociable.
Yes, I will admit that it scares me to imagine that when we meet somehow our connection won't be there as strong as it is now. Still, I don't believe that it will happen, I think we will be just as close as we are now and maybe even more so. I do think of the reality of things though. I know he does too. We both worry that we won't live up to one anothers "expectations". All I know is that I am in love with Jesse. Nothing will change that...His humonguous heart, his brain, his empathetic soul and the way he respects me and cares for me.... I think Jesse is the most handsome, sexy man I've ever met. I feel like I am so lucky that he "saw" me...That even in the beginning when I was anything but open to him after being the one to first contact him,that Jesse hung on in order to get to know the real me. From the first day I saw him on face book there was something about him that both intrigued and scared me....What it was I really can't explain well but there was something in him that pulled me his way...the way his smile spreads across his face then blossoms up into his strikingly gorgeous eyes...The way he was always so sweet to me even with things as random as farm ville game requests...He was one of few men that didn't hit on me but actually was respectful...And on top of all that, he would put statuses on face book that blew me away! He wrote with his heart about the loss of his wife and the sadness he still felt after many years without her, his parents and his sister too.I have known so few men that could write from such a beautiful and deep place. My whole life most men were too macho and whatever to talk about their feelings. Jesse is empathetic and loving while still being the strongest man I know. An Army Vet, a father of two gorgeous daughters, Grandpa to two beautiful Grandkids and a wonderful, close brother to many brothers and sisters....There is so much love and giving in Jesse that its a wonder that I was lucky enough to find him single at all.
I love that his daughters and sister adore him so much that they wrote to me expressing their concern over him and the possibility of me hurting him. Honestly, I worry that I will be the one with a broken heart, that I will not be worthy of his great heart....I don't worry that he will hurt me by anyway that so many people have warned me that internet men can do,(lol) but that he will not find fulfillment from my love. Whatever it is that I do, or whatever it is I am, he loves me too.There is nothing standing between us except ourselves if we were to allow it.
I could go on and on raving about My Baby but there isn't enough time. I just wanted to tell the world that I am head over heals in love and that no one and nothing can get between two people who love each other the way Jesse and I love each other. I feel bad for anyone who tries because honestly if they care for him or I they wouldn't want to try to get in the way of our happiness anyway...Jesse and I have been through so much already thanks to my divorce and the distance between us yet we just keep getting stronger with every bump and hole in the road. Its taken me a long time to realize it but thanks to Jesse I see now that love is NOT about perfection or things going smoothly all the time. Love is about coming across the problems, finding a way through and over them and coming out stronger than ever. I can say that even after a long 14-year marriage to another man, having two of the most beautiful and wonderful kids in the world and having had the best Mom a woman can ask for, I am so very blessed to finally feel what loving and being truly loved feels like. Until the days I met my two kids and then Jesse I didn't know how very big my heart could fill and grow--or how deeply and strongly I could love someone! I love Jesse with all my heart. I adore him, I look up to him and I feel so completely loved by him.Even though I still feel the sting of a sad and sometimes hurtful divorce from my husband and there is fear inside for my future, all I need is to hear Jesse's voice and see his gorgeous smile and I know somehow that its going to be okay....Jesse is the only person I've known that can take me out of the deepest of sadness straight into the biggest smile. I want nothing more in the world than to be with him and to have my kids part of the amazing love that he and I share. Nothing else in the world means more to me than the my three Loves!
June 19, 2011
I have found the man I want to spend my life with but I have also found a best friend in Jesse. I have felt safe with and close to him so that I have been able to talk in such length about my childhood abuse, my failing marriage and my lack of self-esteem. I have shared things with him that I have never told anyone else. I tell him almost every day that I don't know what I would do without him and honestly, its true. He has helped me to face my fear of leaving the house even to the point where I have been able to go to my daughter's elementary school to read my poetry in front of over 60 6th graders! Jesse has helped to keep my very important doctors appointments as well as other events that usually I would have found an excuse to bail on. Unlike so many people in my life who meant well but enabled me to stay sick, Jesse has pushed me to face my fears. No, I am not "cured": I still have times when I am out in public where I feel overwhelmed and anxious but I think of him and it calms me. I know that its up to me to do the work yet with him at my side supporting me, how can I fail? And I've realized that even if I do mess up, true failing would be me not doing what I need to in order to be healthy and sociable.
Yes, I will admit that it scares me to imagine that when we meet somehow our connection won't be there as strong as it is now. Still, I don't believe that it will happen, I think we will be just as close as we are now and maybe even more so. I do think of the reality of things though. I know he does too. We both worry that we won't live up to one anothers "expectations". All I know is that I am in love with Jesse. Nothing will change that...His humonguous heart, his brain, his empathetic soul and the way he respects me and cares for me.... I think Jesse is the most handsome, sexy man I've ever met. I feel like I am so lucky that he "saw" me...That even in the beginning when I was anything but open to him after being the one to first contact him,that Jesse hung on in order to get to know the real me. From the first day I saw him on face book there was something about him that both intrigued and scared me....What it was I really can't explain well but there was something in him that pulled me his way...the way his smile spreads across his face then blossoms up into his strikingly gorgeous eyes...The way he was always so sweet to me even with things as random as farm ville game requests...He was one of few men that didn't hit on me but actually was respectful...And on top of all that, he would put statuses on face book that blew me away! He wrote with his heart about the loss of his wife and the sadness he still felt after many years without her, his parents and his sister too.I have known so few men that could write from such a beautiful and deep place. My whole life most men were too macho and whatever to talk about their feelings. Jesse is empathetic and loving while still being the strongest man I know. An Army Vet, a father of two gorgeous daughters, Grandpa to two beautiful Grandkids and a wonderful, close brother to many brothers and sisters....There is so much love and giving in Jesse that its a wonder that I was lucky enough to find him single at all.
I love that his daughters and sister adore him so much that they wrote to me expressing their concern over him and the possibility of me hurting him. Honestly, I worry that I will be the one with a broken heart, that I will not be worthy of his great heart....I don't worry that he will hurt me by anyway that so many people have warned me that internet men can do,(lol) but that he will not find fulfillment from my love. Whatever it is that I do, or whatever it is I am, he loves me too.There is nothing standing between us except ourselves if we were to allow it.
I could go on and on raving about My Baby but there isn't enough time. I just wanted to tell the world that I am head over heals in love and that no one and nothing can get between two people who love each other the way Jesse and I love each other. I feel bad for anyone who tries because honestly if they care for him or I they wouldn't want to try to get in the way of our happiness anyway...Jesse and I have been through so much already thanks to my divorce and the distance between us yet we just keep getting stronger with every bump and hole in the road. Its taken me a long time to realize it but thanks to Jesse I see now that love is NOT about perfection or things going smoothly all the time. Love is about coming across the problems, finding a way through and over them and coming out stronger than ever. I can say that even after a long 14-year marriage to another man, having two of the most beautiful and wonderful kids in the world and having had the best Mom a woman can ask for, I am so very blessed to finally feel what loving and being truly loved feels like. Until the days I met my two kids and then Jesse I didn't know how very big my heart could fill and grow--or how deeply and strongly I could love someone! I love Jesse with all my heart. I adore him, I look up to him and I feel so completely loved by him.Even though I still feel the sting of a sad and sometimes hurtful divorce from my husband and there is fear inside for my future, all I need is to hear Jesse's voice and see his gorgeous smile and I know somehow that its going to be okay....Jesse is the only person I've known that can take me out of the deepest of sadness straight into the biggest smile. I want nothing more in the world than to be with him and to have my kids part of the amazing love that he and I share. Nothing else in the world means more to me than the my three Loves!
June 19, 2011
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