~Taking Back Control Of My Life~

~I have had a very long,sleepless night of thinking. After a volatile fight with my ex-husband-to-be I see that I and I alone am the only person that can and should control my own happiness. Its been years of me giving into other peoples control as well as trying to make other people happy- Men mainly. I will no longer allow my molester, rapist, husband or any other man, even a man who I may believe truly means well, to have power over me. It ends now.

~I am a person, a woman--a smart, talented and worthy woman...I said it and I mean it. And if you know me well you know that its hard for me to make that statement. I am worthy of love, of respect and worthy of a man who will not count my imperfections while trying to make me feel like I am lucky that he loves me to spite them.  No one is perfect. We all have traits and baggage that make us at times hard to deal with. I have been difficult as of late but that doesn't mean I should settle for any man who looks my way. Why wouldn't I be hard to handle? I've been dealing with the death of my Mother, the break up of my siblings as well as the truth that I have spent the last 17 years of my life fighting for a man who gave up the day I said "I Do". I have been so lonely and unhappy as I gave up my own interests and jobs to live my life around him. Its my own fault, I will no longer blame my husband. I am not giving him that power anymore. I was a big girl, I should have felt the first sting of his hate and ran for safety. I should have but I didn't. But I am here now and I am strong. I am no longer going to let the past dictate the way I look toward the future except to take from it the important things I've learned that are invaluable.  If I were to let the way he treated me influence the future then I should be hiding in a cave somewhere so my heart can never again get broken. I refuse. If I make a mistake tomorrow-if I have fallen or will fall head over heals for a man whose only intent is to break my heart, then I will have to live with it.I will live through it. And to spite how it feels, I will live.  I've been through worse, I'm enduring it now...I certainly can't live life this way being  bitter, resentful and full of worry all the time. Its already taken too much of my time and my stomach lining.
~Of course I am happy to say that while the last few months have been overwhelming and sad, they have also brought me much happiness. I am a lucky Mom of two wonderful kids and I am in love with a man who has done nothing but love me through all my imperfections and bad moods. Will he stay? I would like to think so but no one really truly knows. I am not going to dwell on the questions anymore---If I spend my life alone because I cannot be with a man who respects and loves me then I will be happy alone. I've spent too much time worrying about what might happen and have probably even caused a lot of the negativity I've had in my life by being so down on myself. I can only believe that being positive is the way through the rest of my life. I don't expect everyday to be perfect but I do believe that only I can make each day worth while. So, that's it. I imagine I won't be great at it immediately. I bet I will fall down a few times and become my own worse enemy here and there, yet I know that its in my own hands to make it work and to feel truly happy.

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