~Without Love I am Nothing~

When will I be loved?  It seems like forever ago that you held me in your arms just to feel me there and told me you love me. It seems like a million miles away from the day we met and then the day we married. Its a lonely place here without you,and sadly,even when you are here. I am your wife,their Mom but I am no one's world.No ones reason to be anymore.

I wonder what day it was that you fell out of love with me? Was it something I said or did? Is it because I am sick? No amount of tears or pleading is going to bring back that love. Sometimes I don't know if I'd still want it. I sit here a shell of myself longing for you but forever find my arms empty. You tell me its work,that we need money but what will we need money for if we aren't together?? You literally sit 2 feet away from me but you might as well be a million miles away.

The one person who could make sense of all of this and truly cared for me is gone. She was taken two years ago today. And like God was punishing me and everyone who was lucky to know her, I feel like His anger keeps coming at me.So afraid to get close to anyone because He will take them from me just like Mom,Dad,Skylar and Kevin. I swear now if my kids are taken I will have no reason ever again to breathe.

I don't know where to go from here. Do I continue this charade out of fear of change or do I continue to nag you will my needs? No one in this entire world knows how I feel or seems to truly care. The attention I get is only skin deep and for my looks. Do you know how that makes me feel? I feel like I am nothing but that 17-year old who was no good to anyone except as someone to rape. I feel like if I stop being sexy I stop being.That I will just be forgotten and I'll melt into nothingness.That would be worse than death.

~Stacy J Roosa
2/10/2011

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