~My Story~Part 2
~There is something that happens in that moment when a person, an animal, takes his or her power and uses it against a child.That child once so innocent and having no knowledge usually about sex, changes. Its like they're taking a flower's gorgeous and velvety petals in their hands with a sweet touch then turning violent and ripping them off. Of course I cannot speak for every child who has been through sexual abuse. I can only speak for the little girl inside of me that in one awful moment went from being a loving, giving and trusting 7-year old who was in love with the world to a broken, scared and ruined girl who had to figure out what I did wrong to deserve the pain.
~Imagine in one clear,happy moment you are looking at the world with such loving and trusting eyes-You say hello to everyone and share your smile like its a gift for all. You have no reason to think that bad exists and even though you know someday you will deal with pain and letdown as readily as you will breathe, you can't imagine that any person could imagine you in a way that is anything sexy or sexual. I was all about friends, stuffed animals and sleep overs. I loved my family and my friends.I feared very little but what I did worry about was normal...I never wanted to hurt another person and I made sure I tried very hard not to. Also, I was quite sensitive and empathetic as a child. I would cry over things that other kids would not even notice-No, not because someone simply hurt my feelings or because I didn't get my own way, but because I genuinely hurt for another human or animal. I can remember crying for our pet bunny who my parents promised was safe out in the cold of winter. I would change his water 5-6 times a day because it would freeze and my mind would be obsessed with his plight. Except for arguing with my siblings or other normal things, I was a good kid. I only really wanted to be liked and I loved the world. I really truly wanted to please others. Writing those words now I see that I was the perfect victim. He preyed on the fact that I was young, uneducated about my own body and about sex and I wanted to make my friend happy. If she was okay being on her Grandpa's lap, why wouldn't I be?
Now almost 30 years later I suffer from such deeply rooted self-esteem issues that what I see in the mirror makes me cringe at times. My low self-esteem show in my face, in my body and in the choices I make. For example, anyone who sees my profile pictures can plainly see that I am struggling and that I need validation. Why one moment I am comforted and flattered by a message from a man complimenting my looks and then in the next moment how I get frustrated,confused and angered by any man who dares say hello. Why do I put up a picture of myself that is revealing and gives off the feeling that I am looking for a man then take it down to put up a picture of something else entirely? Then I put the other one back...Why do I continue to allow myself to attract men who only have one thing on their mind when I don't want to be treated that way? Its not as simple as taking the picture down. If it was I would have kept it off of face book all together or kept it down one of the 30 times I've changed it.
People who really care and respect me,who know what I have been through and that I am not looking to pick anyone up, tell me that my picture is attracting all sorts of trouble and will never bring me any attention that I want..They say I am too special and beautiful to be seen by strangers and others as some kind of sexual object. So,what if I do like it sometimes?? What if I am so down on myself that once in awhile it is just nice to have a man tell me I am sexy? Its been true for years that women who have been raped either turn toward being an introverted and cold person or become someone who is seen as easy with no concern for their self. I have never been easy. Then I think what if I am just comfortable with myself, am used to showing a little more and am not looking for anything?? Either way I know that it doesn't matter to this certain kind of person I am referring to whether I am putting myself out there because I want to or because I am confused. That kind of person will look and find what he wants regardless of my reasoning..
I could go the other way, use a picture of a kitten or my kids and I won't have to deal with any come ons concerning my picture. That is where I feel so confused because I also can't stand the idea of not being attractive. Its such a horrible tug of war inside of me. I am not one to walk around half dressed so why give that illusion out here? For as much as I do know about the way my mind works there are a thousands things I don't understand. I will need to spend some real time with a therapist sorting through my emotions and my very own actions to figure out the inner workings of my abused and damaged self-esteem. I'll bet though that its all going to come back to self-respect and self-worth. Since that day I have felt like less, like someone used and damaged that no one will want. I was to this man a vulnerable child, a mere girl whose body he wanted to control. I hate feeling beautiful,hate feeling ugly but even more I hate feeling vulnerable.And yet, true to my messed up and warring soul inside, here I am laying it all out for anyone to read,dissect and, lets face it, use.
Where does the confusion end so the healing can begin?? one day you might see my smiling face on my profile instead of these pictures I have now. On that day you will know and I will finally feel that I am okay with what I see in the mirror and inside of me.
~Stacy J Roosa
2/21/2011
~Imagine in one clear,happy moment you are looking at the world with such loving and trusting eyes-You say hello to everyone and share your smile like its a gift for all. You have no reason to think that bad exists and even though you know someday you will deal with pain and letdown as readily as you will breathe, you can't imagine that any person could imagine you in a way that is anything sexy or sexual. I was all about friends, stuffed animals and sleep overs. I loved my family and my friends.I feared very little but what I did worry about was normal...I never wanted to hurt another person and I made sure I tried very hard not to. Also, I was quite sensitive and empathetic as a child. I would cry over things that other kids would not even notice-No, not because someone simply hurt my feelings or because I didn't get my own way, but because I genuinely hurt for another human or animal. I can remember crying for our pet bunny who my parents promised was safe out in the cold of winter. I would change his water 5-6 times a day because it would freeze and my mind would be obsessed with his plight. Except for arguing with my siblings or other normal things, I was a good kid. I only really wanted to be liked and I loved the world. I really truly wanted to please others. Writing those words now I see that I was the perfect victim. He preyed on the fact that I was young, uneducated about my own body and about sex and I wanted to make my friend happy. If she was okay being on her Grandpa's lap, why wouldn't I be?
Now almost 30 years later I suffer from such deeply rooted self-esteem issues that what I see in the mirror makes me cringe at times. My low self-esteem show in my face, in my body and in the choices I make. For example, anyone who sees my profile pictures can plainly see that I am struggling and that I need validation. Why one moment I am comforted and flattered by a message from a man complimenting my looks and then in the next moment how I get frustrated,confused and angered by any man who dares say hello. Why do I put up a picture of myself that is revealing and gives off the feeling that I am looking for a man then take it down to put up a picture of something else entirely? Then I put the other one back...Why do I continue to allow myself to attract men who only have one thing on their mind when I don't want to be treated that way? Its not as simple as taking the picture down. If it was I would have kept it off of face book all together or kept it down one of the 30 times I've changed it.
People who really care and respect me,who know what I have been through and that I am not looking to pick anyone up, tell me that my picture is attracting all sorts of trouble and will never bring me any attention that I want..They say I am too special and beautiful to be seen by strangers and others as some kind of sexual object. So,what if I do like it sometimes?? What if I am so down on myself that once in awhile it is just nice to have a man tell me I am sexy? Its been true for years that women who have been raped either turn toward being an introverted and cold person or become someone who is seen as easy with no concern for their self. I have never been easy. Then I think what if I am just comfortable with myself, am used to showing a little more and am not looking for anything?? Either way I know that it doesn't matter to this certain kind of person I am referring to whether I am putting myself out there because I want to or because I am confused. That kind of person will look and find what he wants regardless of my reasoning..
I could go the other way, use a picture of a kitten or my kids and I won't have to deal with any come ons concerning my picture. That is where I feel so confused because I also can't stand the idea of not being attractive. Its such a horrible tug of war inside of me. I am not one to walk around half dressed so why give that illusion out here? For as much as I do know about the way my mind works there are a thousands things I don't understand. I will need to spend some real time with a therapist sorting through my emotions and my very own actions to figure out the inner workings of my abused and damaged self-esteem. I'll bet though that its all going to come back to self-respect and self-worth. Since that day I have felt like less, like someone used and damaged that no one will want. I was to this man a vulnerable child, a mere girl whose body he wanted to control. I hate feeling beautiful,hate feeling ugly but even more I hate feeling vulnerable.And yet, true to my messed up and warring soul inside, here I am laying it all out for anyone to read,dissect and, lets face it, use.
Where does the confusion end so the healing can begin?? one day you might see my smiling face on my profile instead of these pictures I have now. On that day you will know and I will finally feel that I am okay with what I see in the mirror and inside of me.
~Stacy J Roosa
2/21/2011
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