~ Jealousy ~

~What is this feeling that has taken over? Like the anger of a knife against my head,it makes me flush with such heat! It is a sharp,warm feeling but it also makes me feel cold and shaky. And then I am almost relieved because I know when I experience its pain I am alive! And its such a silly thing that controls me-Simply when I see or hear another woman call you "sweetie",or "honey" it starts... The  knife stabs me in the head, body and heart!

~Then just as I feel like I can't take that blade even another second and every breath I pull into my lungs hurts my body, it melts into the angriest, hottest lava-like liquid.  This jealousy and anger fills every curve,crevice and part of my body then explodes in me all at once. I am so vulnerable that it feels like my heart is wide open to this disease,this cancer-   Like its a precious baby naked and lying in the open of a 1,000 foot drop...Then after its exploded  the liquid anger fills me once more,this time with even more venomous anger.It flows to my toes, taking with it all the feelings that were once good.

I feel unguarded, angry but I also feel strangely intrigued. It makes me feel like I need to fight for you. Then again my lack of self-esteem at times also makes me feel like I want to go away and leave you to what seems at the moment to be something I cannot be part of ,I may ignore it when we talk again or,if I am very comfortable, I may tell you how I feel.  I know when I feel so overwhelmed like this though that at least I am living.  I want to take that feeling, that incredible,uncontrollable emotion and put it into something else that is good for me. I want to turn it into something to show you  that my absence would make you feel something too. I want to know that every and any other woman's voice pales in comparison to mine. I need to have their beauty be a pale moon to my blazing sun. I want to put such passion into every touch and word so that you cannot hear or feel any other woman's words.Yet I know that I cannot show my hurt or else I will push you away. So I decide that I can either let the anger eat away at my hope and smile or use those overwhelming feelings to work on what I might mean to you. I would rather live with that awful taste in my mouth than share it with anyone and it is a great way to make me work on being a better person.Jealousy doesn't have to be as angry and bitter as it feels.It can also be an emotion we draw from to become the best person we can be.

So, the next time I see or hear another say your name or something I cannot compete with I might be jealous and it might hurt but at least I will also we pushed to shine my brightest.Yet, If you don't like me for who I am then its not you I need anyway.

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