~I Will Not Apologize For Being Me ~
~I am a pretty honest,open person when it comes to my experiences. At times when I have shared my pain about my loss, feelings of abandonment of abuse as a child I get two different reactions.Some people are very supportive. They will write and tell me that they feel better about their own situation because I was open about mine.When I receive e-mails telling me that I write the way that person feels it is a huge compliment. It makes me feel like I am doing something greater than simply writing my thoughts down. All I have ever wanted as a writer is to touch a persons heart,to make them feel that they are not alone in this world. As a person all I've wanted is to be understood. The two things do not always go hand in hand.
~The second response that I've received is that I am too open. Once I was told by an acquaintance on Face Book to "take it to a talk show". I felt bad for that person because it seemed to me that not only are they uncomfortable with other people's honesty regarding their emotions but they most likely are doubly uncomfortable with their own. I do not criticize nor want to admonish another human's right for privacy. Yet I also don't want to be censured. I would not dream of pushing someone to talk about their feelings if they are uncomfortable with doing so nor would I push mine onto them.Still,I have the right to to my voice.
~What I have dealt with in my 36 years has been difficult to say the least. I understand that some people have dealt with "more" than I have including events and circumstances that I have never dreamed of. Still, who can or would dare compare? What has happened in my life may have been nothing to one person compared in their mind to what they have endured but may have meant a nervous breakdown to another. How we react to our own struggles is based on so many things including how we have been taught to handle them, the way in which our minds and hearts work and many other intricate things. I have suffered post traumatic stress, anxiety and agoraphobia because of what has occurred over my life and in the past 3 or so years. I will not apologize to anyone for how I am because that would be like saying I am sorry for who I am. If someone is uncomfortable with my voice then they don't have to be in my life. I need friends who are both supportive and loving.I also want to give back those gifts two-fold. I am not simple.I am a many-layered person who has been molded into who I am by what I have experienced. I treat others based on what I have learned. Some times I learn my lesson the first time after I have messed up and other times I continue to get beat down but still go in for more. It's all in the passion of what I want, need and desire. Its also in what I believe the way things should be...I am going to fight for a person or cause that I believe in and care for.I'm sure I can come off as intense at times but its for a greater cause.
~In my life I have many things I would like to do and have. The top things are so simple yet so important to my happiness~Other than peace and the things I want for humanity, I want my children to continue to be sympathetic and empathetic towards others while still being able to not give up all they want and believe in for those same people. I want them to be happy,healthy and always know that no matter what they do I will forever love them more than life itself. I want to be able to show my friends, family and loved ones all the love and affection I have in my heart for them. I would love to be able to give them solace and anything I can when they are in need. Also, selfishly, I want to be loved.Not just for what I can give or do but for who I am...I want to be respected as well as adored for my entire life,until my last breath, by a man who I love just as much. I want to be spoiled with love and attention by him and be able to enjoy our time together as well as our time apart and always feel safe knowing that our love and passion for one another will never waver. I want to live with him in complete honesty. At the same time I want to know that although he may not love poetry or some other thing I enjoy, he finds himself intrigued by what I love and want to be a part of it in some way even if it's small. I would be so content seeing that he wants to see inside my heart and mind and that he's interested in what I have to say...Maybe he will even be influenced to read more works of writing by others because he is influenced by my words.
~I may have issues with my self-esteem that I am working on but I know this- I want to live in a world surrounded by friends and family who may not agree with each other or me but respect the rights of every other person to disagree. I have been taught in so many ways that if I disagree then I must be wrong. Its time to relearn this. I will not change my way of being -not for my kids or the man I love. Unless what I am writing is specifically about them and causes them pain, I have the right to be open and free with what is inside of me. I want to be able to share my experiences, both good and bad,with whoever will listen and hope that I can give others a feeling of belonging and the realization finally that if they were abused they were not to blame.I want them to find that they are not victims of their bad experiences anymore but instead survivors.When I can touch a person and make them feel better I have done all I've ever set out to. The rest,~the kids,love and all, will come in time and with my own growth.
~Stacy J. Roosa
~The second response that I've received is that I am too open. Once I was told by an acquaintance on Face Book to "take it to a talk show". I felt bad for that person because it seemed to me that not only are they uncomfortable with other people's honesty regarding their emotions but they most likely are doubly uncomfortable with their own. I do not criticize nor want to admonish another human's right for privacy. Yet I also don't want to be censured. I would not dream of pushing someone to talk about their feelings if they are uncomfortable with doing so nor would I push mine onto them.Still,I have the right to to my voice.
~What I have dealt with in my 36 years has been difficult to say the least. I understand that some people have dealt with "more" than I have including events and circumstances that I have never dreamed of. Still, who can or would dare compare? What has happened in my life may have been nothing to one person compared in their mind to what they have endured but may have meant a nervous breakdown to another. How we react to our own struggles is based on so many things including how we have been taught to handle them, the way in which our minds and hearts work and many other intricate things. I have suffered post traumatic stress, anxiety and agoraphobia because of what has occurred over my life and in the past 3 or so years. I will not apologize to anyone for how I am because that would be like saying I am sorry for who I am. If someone is uncomfortable with my voice then they don't have to be in my life. I need friends who are both supportive and loving.I also want to give back those gifts two-fold. I am not simple.I am a many-layered person who has been molded into who I am by what I have experienced. I treat others based on what I have learned. Some times I learn my lesson the first time after I have messed up and other times I continue to get beat down but still go in for more. It's all in the passion of what I want, need and desire. Its also in what I believe the way things should be...I am going to fight for a person or cause that I believe in and care for.I'm sure I can come off as intense at times but its for a greater cause.
~In my life I have many things I would like to do and have. The top things are so simple yet so important to my happiness~Other than peace and the things I want for humanity, I want my children to continue to be sympathetic and empathetic towards others while still being able to not give up all they want and believe in for those same people. I want them to be happy,healthy and always know that no matter what they do I will forever love them more than life itself. I want to be able to show my friends, family and loved ones all the love and affection I have in my heart for them. I would love to be able to give them solace and anything I can when they are in need. Also, selfishly, I want to be loved.Not just for what I can give or do but for who I am...I want to be respected as well as adored for my entire life,until my last breath, by a man who I love just as much. I want to be spoiled with love and attention by him and be able to enjoy our time together as well as our time apart and always feel safe knowing that our love and passion for one another will never waver. I want to live with him in complete honesty. At the same time I want to know that although he may not love poetry or some other thing I enjoy, he finds himself intrigued by what I love and want to be a part of it in some way even if it's small. I would be so content seeing that he wants to see inside my heart and mind and that he's interested in what I have to say...Maybe he will even be influenced to read more works of writing by others because he is influenced by my words.
~I may have issues with my self-esteem that I am working on but I know this- I want to live in a world surrounded by friends and family who may not agree with each other or me but respect the rights of every other person to disagree. I have been taught in so many ways that if I disagree then I must be wrong. Its time to relearn this. I will not change my way of being -not for my kids or the man I love. Unless what I am writing is specifically about them and causes them pain, I have the right to be open and free with what is inside of me. I want to be able to share my experiences, both good and bad,with whoever will listen and hope that I can give others a feeling of belonging and the realization finally that if they were abused they were not to blame.I want them to find that they are not victims of their bad experiences anymore but instead survivors.When I can touch a person and make them feel better I have done all I've ever set out to. The rest,~the kids,love and all, will come in time and with my own growth.
~Stacy J. Roosa
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