~It's Been Awhile~
~It's been over 2 weeks since last I blogged. Guess I had some stuff going on inside that even I couldn't explain. Trying so hard to make sense of my world and all I get is more confused. Is anybody out there listening? Sometimes I feel so alone and so misunderstood. It doesn't matter...I don't need anyone to witness my self-loathing.
I don't work outside the home. Since my semi-nervous breakdown when I had to decide between working and being the Mom that I wanted to be, since Mom died and things just plain old changed with my family, I have not been able to face the world with my real face.My husband,Kevin, says he understands. He says he is patient and wants me to get better at my own pace. When he comes home to half-folded laundry or my making an easy dinner instead of his favorite meat and potatoes dinner, he says it's okay. Still, the minute we argue he doesn't understand what I am going through at all. Why can't I just get over it and leave the house to work, shop and do all the things "normal" women do...Why can't I sleep at night and not nap during the day? Why am I woken up a dozen times at night with night terrors? If I would just go to the damn doctor, he snaps, I would get sleeping medication and all would be fine. If I would just come to bed. And work, and shop and do all the things I did before (to make his life easy). Today he told me that he knows he loves me because no one would stay in this "miserable life unless they loved you like I do. No one would put up with it."
I said it, its out there. And for him, he tried to recant the moment it slipped out. (By the way, I am not afraid to write this or worry about him being mad because he doesn't bother to read this blog, or any of my poetry,unless I make him pause the T.V. for me to literally read it to him. My writing doesn't interest him. If someday I have a book published or someone pays me to write THEN (maybe) he will find it worth his time. Yet, rewatching the same 10 movies is sooo worth his time...
Sorry, its not fair to go on about him. He is not here to stick up for himself... He says I spend all my time on the computer.It's true, I do. Mostly I play farm ville where I can rearrange my gardens and houses and make a world where I am happy. It's sad. I just want to be me again but I don't know how to get back.
I have lost so much over the past 2 years. I know, I know...Boo hoo me. I get it, people lose their parents to death all the time and people have their father use them for all their work then never speak to them again, and people have memories of people,mainly men, always abandoning them, and people get molested and raped like me...I know I am not special,. I do not have the market of sorrow cornered...There are people out there who are dying of cancer or have lost their entire family who have more appreciation for life and are happier than I am. Well, sorry to say, it's not about what happened to me, who died, how many people abandoned me, how many times I suffered...It's different for each and every person...I would NEVER judge someone else for how long they took to "get over" someone's death or to "deal with" a problem. I am not here to explain it anyway and I don't know why I am trying. It's funny though that I have brought myself to this place because no one of any real importance in my life has ever questioned my depression/anxiety...until today that is. Still, remembering that he was mad, that he wanted to hurt me and knew that saying those things to me would definetly do the job, I am not going to go there right now.
It's me that is mad and is questioning me. Why the hell can't I just "get over it", get ready, go outside and get on with my life?Why can't my mind get clear, my back stop hurting so and my attitude change to happy? Sometimes at night, like now at 2:30 am when I am at my most awake point and I start to feel hopeful, I begin to plan the next day. I will get showered,dressed, go outside and garden, get in the car and go shopping, visit Mom's grave, visit my friend for coffee, and on and on and on. Then I wake up and I can't figure out how to get from my bed to the living room. Every thought in my head is gray and bleak. Forget leaving the housse, I am not sure I will be able to leave my pajamas. It's not a choice,damn it, it's a dark,heavy,depressed liquid that is pumping through my veins. Like molasses it seeps slowly but if fills every crack and crevice.
It's time to do something more than trying. It's time to get help. I am about to lose everyone I love because I am sick. If I had cancer, they would feel bad, offer their help, coddle and spoil me. And although I wouldn't want them to do these things, at least I would feel their belief and sorrow. Right now I just feel like a great big annoyance to everyone.
sorry, I am trying to end this on a positive note but its not in me. Too many tears to see the light. I hope tomorrow will be better.I won't bother sharing this on face book. I doubt anyone reads anyway.
I don't work outside the home. Since my semi-nervous breakdown when I had to decide between working and being the Mom that I wanted to be, since Mom died and things just plain old changed with my family, I have not been able to face the world with my real face.My husband,Kevin, says he understands. He says he is patient and wants me to get better at my own pace. When he comes home to half-folded laundry or my making an easy dinner instead of his favorite meat and potatoes dinner, he says it's okay. Still, the minute we argue he doesn't understand what I am going through at all. Why can't I just get over it and leave the house to work, shop and do all the things "normal" women do...Why can't I sleep at night and not nap during the day? Why am I woken up a dozen times at night with night terrors? If I would just go to the damn doctor, he snaps, I would get sleeping medication and all would be fine. If I would just come to bed. And work, and shop and do all the things I did before (to make his life easy). Today he told me that he knows he loves me because no one would stay in this "miserable life unless they loved you like I do. No one would put up with it."
I said it, its out there. And for him, he tried to recant the moment it slipped out. (By the way, I am not afraid to write this or worry about him being mad because he doesn't bother to read this blog, or any of my poetry,unless I make him pause the T.V. for me to literally read it to him. My writing doesn't interest him. If someday I have a book published or someone pays me to write THEN (maybe) he will find it worth his time. Yet, rewatching the same 10 movies is sooo worth his time...
Sorry, its not fair to go on about him. He is not here to stick up for himself... He says I spend all my time on the computer.It's true, I do. Mostly I play farm ville where I can rearrange my gardens and houses and make a world where I am happy. It's sad. I just want to be me again but I don't know how to get back.
I have lost so much over the past 2 years. I know, I know...Boo hoo me. I get it, people lose their parents to death all the time and people have their father use them for all their work then never speak to them again, and people have memories of people,mainly men, always abandoning them, and people get molested and raped like me...I know I am not special,. I do not have the market of sorrow cornered...There are people out there who are dying of cancer or have lost their entire family who have more appreciation for life and are happier than I am. Well, sorry to say, it's not about what happened to me, who died, how many people abandoned me, how many times I suffered...It's different for each and every person...I would NEVER judge someone else for how long they took to "get over" someone's death or to "deal with" a problem. I am not here to explain it anyway and I don't know why I am trying. It's funny though that I have brought myself to this place because no one of any real importance in my life has ever questioned my depression/anxiety...until today that is. Still, remembering that he was mad, that he wanted to hurt me and knew that saying those things to me would definetly do the job, I am not going to go there right now.
It's me that is mad and is questioning me. Why the hell can't I just "get over it", get ready, go outside and get on with my life?Why can't my mind get clear, my back stop hurting so and my attitude change to happy? Sometimes at night, like now at 2:30 am when I am at my most awake point and I start to feel hopeful, I begin to plan the next day. I will get showered,dressed, go outside and garden, get in the car and go shopping, visit Mom's grave, visit my friend for coffee, and on and on and on. Then I wake up and I can't figure out how to get from my bed to the living room. Every thought in my head is gray and bleak. Forget leaving the housse, I am not sure I will be able to leave my pajamas. It's not a choice,damn it, it's a dark,heavy,depressed liquid that is pumping through my veins. Like molasses it seeps slowly but if fills every crack and crevice.
It's time to do something more than trying. It's time to get help. I am about to lose everyone I love because I am sick. If I had cancer, they would feel bad, offer their help, coddle and spoil me. And although I wouldn't want them to do these things, at least I would feel their belief and sorrow. Right now I just feel like a great big annoyance to everyone.
sorry, I am trying to end this on a positive note but its not in me. Too many tears to see the light. I hope tomorrow will be better.I won't bother sharing this on face book. I doubt anyone reads anyway.
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